Divorce is Devastating – Attorneys with a conscience are difficult to find

When you are thrown into a divorce situation you expect people that are acquainted with the process to uphold a certain standard.  You expect judges to judge rightly. You expect lawyers to know the law, understand financial obligations and have empathy concerning custody.  Newsflash!  There is no standard.  I have read about certain judges in family law that have intervened in court when the attorney or attorneys steamroll their clients; those judges are a rare and dying breed.  The public has no idea what awaits them if divorce comes knocking on their door which is why things are the way they are.  You don’t know what you don’t know.  It’s impossible to discuss family law without talking about the people that make family law possible – the country’s representatives.  There have been only two US presidents with divorces in their past, both celebrities, Ronald Reagan and Donald Trump (no attempt to tackle family law so far).  The divorce list is quite expansive for the run of the mill politician in the senate, congress or city government.  It is surprising that family law is operating like the Wild West when so many of our supposed leaders have experienced this corrupt system, because they too are divorced.  Did they reveal the problem to the last US president, Barack Obama, who identifies with lawyers since he was one?  Lawyers are excellent politicians.  He could have done something to impact positive “change” for family law “change” was his campaign message after all, but he didn’t come near family law with a ten foot pole.  Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against lawyers only something against a system that allows lawyers to take advantage of others.

Going through a divorce destroys the fabric of family.  Divorce is devastating to society because it causes so much turmoil in the nuclear family, extended family and other relationships.

Divorce is necessary in some cases; however, filing for divorce lately has become as easy as selecting and purchasing something online.

America is so busy with vices a sort of forgetfulness sets in when it concerns the government until presidential elections of course, that’s when everyone is fired up about their “ideal” candidate and all the sudden they are a political expert. Americans also regain consciousness about the government when terrorists decide to kill American lives…  I wonder what Abraham Lincoln would say if he looked at the United States government as it is now.  It’s too bad more politicians do not think about America’s early predecessors while they are in office.

Family law is a fairly new practice.  It developed around the time Franklin D. Roosevelt was president (it is uncertain if FDR influenced current practices in anyway).  The New Deal wasn’t the only thing that happened during his presidency, Mr. FDR also had an affair.  When ideals are lowered in any government it ricochets across the country and impacts the people within it.  These various fractures happen because government is a source of leadership for a country.  It provides governing structure.  It provides infrastructure.  It provides protection against threats. It provides its constituents a certain way of life.

Government is no different than any place in society, it is a place where mistakes are made.

The concern is when those mistakes are covered up, stamped out, ignored, avoided and life continues without a reset button or a corrective action.  Status quo is no longer an option, the health of society is at stake.

There are some people that understand the health risk of divorce on society.  These people try to change things for the common good in government; however, their efforts often get squashed by the opposition, because it destroys everyone else’s system or change is limited by state (it appears Senator Jeremy Ring from Florida understands part of the problem, but can’t get a bill to address it).  That’s why no one in family law with a conscience speaks up.  By speaking up they destroy their career, their connections and their life.  Some in family law that have a conscience will either leave family law and go with another career after they’ve witnessed too much pain or they will eventually become complacent and accept how things are by limiting their contribution to the problem or try to balance things out.  Others, the formidable others, will capitalize on people’s pain without remorse.  I hope if you must be in a divorced situation with attorneys, you come across a lawyer with a conscience, because that truly is your only hope if attorneys are involved (see also: Going Pro Se in an Attorney’s World).

I have two children and I’m facing this Wild West court system alone.  If you read or get ideas from my original content please donate any amount on PayPal and send money to info@fyidivorce.com.

Thanks for supporting an unbiased divorce opinion blog at FYIDivorce.com

What do you do about parental alienation?

Parental alienation is an unfortunate outcome of divorce.  If at first your divorce is amicable and then suddenly turns sour due to attorney involvement (attorneys can plant the seed of alienation even if it is not happening) or the jungle of emotions that naturally occur with divorce can inadvertently make the children pawns.  Sourness can happen, no divorce is immune.

Parental alienation will not happen if both parents are invested in seeing their children persevere through their divorce.

In some situations, one parent can be the extremist and abduct the children or constantly miss visits and taint the children’s ears with lies and/or truths that negatively impact the other parent in the children’s eyes (this occurs on both sides: custodial and non-custodial).  This emotional abuse, will lead to the child or children externalizing or internalizing problems.  The most bitter and vengeful parent will use anything in their arsenal to punish the other parent (this could be the same behavior that existed before the divorce – poor married behaviors become exaggerated in divorce).

No matter what, your children need both of you.  They need to know you are listening.  They need to know that you care.  Constant conflict between divorced parents hurts the relationship on both sides.  Once your children are in college, you don’t want to be the parents that only get phone calls for money.  Know what to do when you are the custodial parent and when you are the non-custodial parent if a form of alienation is happening.

If you are invested in seeing your children persevere through your divorce YOU NEED TO DO the following if you are the custodial parent:

  1. Follow the court order. The courts are flawed on many levels and mistakes can happen in the courtroom without a doubt; however, if you are the custodial parent it is your JOB to be the RESPONSIBLE one.  No excuses.  If the order is wrong you must get it corrected before you change anything in the schedule and you MUST get the other parent’s permission if it is a one-off change.
  2. Do not engage when the non-custodial parent is mudslinging. It is your JOB to be the RESPONSIBLE one.  No excuses.  Children can pick up on this right away.  Remember children are the smartest in the room.
  3. Be unbelievably consistent. It is your JOB to be the RESPONSIBLE parent since you have physical custody.  If the other parent misses a visit, act as though it was planned or turn it into a better situation by doing something special with the children.  If the non-custodial parent has trouble remembering the schedule, remind them constantly with traceable documentation (email, text and/or mobile divorce app) – so there are no surprises.  That way if it is the day before your vacation they can’t say, how come you didn’t tell me sooner or I didn’t agree to that.
  4. Silent coyote when the children are present. Remember, it is your JOB to be the RESPONSIBLE parent.  That means no specifics on the other parent while your children are present.  Schedule time to get together with friends while the children are in school or make sure the children are occupied in another room out of earshot if you are discussing your feelings about the divorce situation (this goes for family too while you are not present).
  5. Reverse the damage. If the non-custodial parent is alienating the children from you, address it right away.  Do not wait for a better time.  Do not rationalize.  Do not make excuses for them.  Tell it as it is and then move on.  Reinforce your love. You are the custodial parent, it is your JOB to be RESPONSIBLE and that includes safeguarding your relationship with the children without engaging in the same scheming tactics as the other parent.

If you are invested in seeing your children persevere through your divorce YOU NEED TO DO the following if you are the non-custodial parent:

  1. Follow the court order. If it is wrong or you feel there has been an injustice, fight to get it changed, but DO NOT disrespect authority by terrorizing the custodial parent.  If the custodial parent is being irresponsible it is your JOB to be the RESPONSIBLE one.  No excuses.  Custodial is skipping your visitation days, be gracious and then GO TO COURT (get legal advice to steer you in the right direction).
  2. Do not engage when the custodial parent is mudslinging. Your children need you to be the RESPONSIBLE one, it is your JOB especially since the custodial is stooping to low levels to gain control or punish you.  They are not punishing you; they are unknowingly punishing the very people they should be protecting, the children.  Take the high road, because your children will notice and when they are old enough they will request to live with you or it could be sooner if you present a strong enough case before the judge (DO NOT manipulate the children to request anything, be kind only and hope for the best).
  3. Be unbelievably consistent. If the custodial is missing visits, find a way to have constant contact with your children.  If your children are in school, do something special for them each week and visit them there.  If your children see their grandparents and you still have a relationship with them, try to see them then.  It is imperative that you be RESPONSIBLE by maintaining contact.  It is your JOB to undo everything the alienating parent is doing and you MUST be relentless.
  4. Silent coyote when the children are present. If you can’t say something nice do not say anything at all.  Children will replay everything that is mentioned in front of them in their heads.  Even if the custodial parent has said horrible things, be silent.  If the children ask about the things that are said, explain them, refute them, fill their ears with good things and your love and leave it at that.  By setting the example you are doing your JOB and being RESPONSIBLE. Document everything.
  5. Reverse the damage. Since you have less time with them, it is more difficult for this to occur.  You must keep fighting to get a court order that gives you time with them.  Every time you are with them it MUST be more POSITIVE than negative especially since you see them less.  You have less time, so there is no room for stupid mistakes like checking your phone constantly while you are with them.  Be grateful for the time you have and show your children you will persevere in adversity.  Your strength will encourage them, because you are showing you are RESPONSIBLE and putting your parent JOB as top priority.

Whether you are the custodial or non-custodial experiencing parental alienation, follow the court order, do not engage in mudslinging, be unbelievably consistent, silent coyote when the children are present and reverse as much damage as possible.  Coparenting and even parallel parenting requires BOTH parents be RESPONSIBLE.  Being a good parent is hard work and being a divorced parent is twice as hard, so take it seriously.  Being a parent is as important if not more important than any JOB or career that exists.  Being a parent is a privilege.  Do not squander the role and most of all DO NOT alienate the very person that your children love the most and DO NOT claim alienation when it is not happening.

I have two children and I’m facing this Wild West court system alone.  If you read or get ideas from my original content please donate any amount on PayPal and send money to info@fyidivorce.com.

Thanks for supporting an unbiased divorce opinion blog at FYIDivorce.com

No-Fault Divorce vs. Fault Divorce – Which is Better?

It is understandable why people say “stay together for the kids.”  Staying together seems like common sense, especially if the reason for divorcing is “I’m just not happy,” also known as no-fault divorce.  All states are now “no-fault” states, meaning you can file for divorce under the reason “irreconcilable differences” or something similar.  There are some states that still allow you to file for a specific reason otherwise known as “fault divorce”; however, a specific reason is not required.  Some more conservative states do give more weight to the spouse that files a fault divorce when dividing assets; however, it really depends on the judge.  Family law is a system that capitalizes on people’s misery and it is very questionable how attorneys and judges can maintain their sense of humanity while practicing family law under 21st Century conditions (one very good reason to avoid divorce if you do not have a good reason for filing a divorce).  If there is truly no-fault on the other party, file no-fault and follow through during divorce proceedings.  File online if you have a short marriage, no assets and no children.

A no-fault divorce was created for several reasons (this is opinion, not fact).

#1 Money making engine – Divorcing without cause increases earning potential for everyone in the divorce industry.  Couples who are parents have more stress on their relationship than other couples, so divorcing without a real reason is more common.  There is no such thing as a fast divorce when children and assets are involved, because emotions run high concerning loved ones and money – attorneys do not put on the brakes especially if they know your income.  Couples that are empty nesters lack the glue of the family unit and are more likely to become discontent without a real reason as well.  Empty nesters are a goldmine because they have accumulated more wealth than the young families.  Attorneys gotta know what they are working with.  You are their livelihood and they want to get paid $$$.

#2 Keep things private – Divorce information is available to the public.  First, anyone can attend a divorce hearing and second, anyone can request anything on a specific divorce.  By filing “irreconcilable differences” the run of the mill person cannot access the details unless you disclose them through the process (remember emotions run hot in divorce especially if the attorneys add fuel to the fire to guarantee a good payout).  You may want to keep things private; however, if you lack self-control through the process or ruffle the feathers of your spouse, privacy and frivolous motions or request for orders or even declarations can and will ruin your life at least temporarily.  Going to court is worse than going to the DMV.

#3 Increase the number of people divorcing – Less people are marrying and less people are divorcing.  In any business if the number of your customers decrease, the business owner must downsize or create demand.  Having a no-fault divorce makes it easy for people to call it quits.  In fact, if you have any enemies and you are married, better guard your marriage and run your business wisely; because you could be a target for the money hungry hippo.  The unknowing spouse may even become a target which is outside your control.

A fault divorce or grounds for a divorce means there is a defined reason for the divorce.

The reasons for divorce vary by state and are not strictly governed by a moral code.  It is uncertain how each item makes the list.  A common reason is adultery (some others include: imprisonment, domestic violence, disability, alcoholism, etc.)

If one of these is occurring it is best to disclose it, especially if there are children in the household.  If one of these is not occurring, any decent human being should file a “no-fault” divorce, because divorce is extremely painful.  You add insult to injury if you falsely claim anything and you are hurting those divorce cases that really have a legitimate reason like domestic violence.  Family law is not criminal law, it should be called creative family law, often cases that have real problems get overlooked, because so many people have taken advantage of the system (a system that is run by people and paperwork).  A system run by people means mistakes happen, bias does occur and poor judgements can be made.

Family law was only conceived in roughly the last 100 years and the moral standard varies by state and county and practicing judicial procedure is only enforced when there is accountability.  There is less accountability when there is less money available for the courts to run which enables corruption.  Some attorneys and/or judges are not corrupted, but choose to deal with the system without changing it because it could negatively impact their practice (family law is a closed network and the people divorcing are only passing through).  Others actively leverage the corruption to further their career or increase their standard of living and others use it as a tool for dominance, control, revenge or payback.  It should be unlawful for any mediation divorce to go to court and there should be a cap on expenditures for those who have a somewhat amicable divorce or make under $100k (value of assets excluded from determination), family law is the Wild West. If there is truly no-fault on the other party, file no-fault and follow through during divorce proceedings.

I have two children and I’m facing this Wild West court system alone.  If you read or get ideas from my original content please donate any amount on PayPal and send money to info@fyidivorce.com.

Thanks for supporting an unbiased divorce opinion blog at FYIDivorce.com

10 Questions to Ask Before Marriage

Divorce is looming for anyone that jumps into marriage without asking the right questions. Know thyself and know thy future spouse.

I’m compelled to write in the first person this time around.  Divorce emotions are coming out in full force and what needs to be written needs to be personal.  A drawn out contested divorce such as mine is difficult.  My responsibility has tripled since separation (my youngest was one month old).  It is too bad my younger self was not given a heads-up on marriage complications once children come along.  Now that my youngest is almost a toddler and teething; my patience has reached an all time low.  The drool, incessant cries and elevated temperatures come at nightfall and make me want to scream, because I never wanted to face parenting alone and I am so dead tired.  I never thought I could have such negative feelings as I do for the father of my children, not in a million years.  Oh wait, it was even worse when we were under the same roof after my first was born, because of the abuse that ensued once we both went back to work.   (Both parents working is another topic for another blog.)  I stayed quiet about the abuse in all areas of my life, because I thought every relationship has its peaks and valleys – the thoughts of an optimist.  By acknowledging how bad it was then, I already feel better in the present.  I only wish I had been more of a realist than an optimist.  My naïve nature during it all kind of disgusts me now.  If I had been more of a realist and faced the music I probably would not have had a second child from the seed of Jekyll & Hyde.  It hurts my heart severely to reflect on that notion.  I love my children and I wanted four children before the tides changed.

Oh, there is so much advice I have for my younger self.  No one was giving the advice I needed and I knew several newlywed blended families at the time our camouflaged frayed knot was tied.  Do people hold onto their past stories in secret, because they want to maintain a happy image to bury the hatchet or do people temporarily forget the divorce turmoil amid new bliss and love?  I hope it is the latter and not the former.  I also want to be the person that boldly remembers, so that I can help people make good decisions and minimize repeating a history full of mistakes (sometimes mistakes are inevitable and in a strong relationship mistakes make the relationship even stronger instead of destroying it).  FYIDivorce.com aligns with that goal.  If I could write a letter to my younger self, it would go something like this:

Dear Optimist,

You have no idea what you’re doing when it comes to marrying someone, especially if you have known them for less than a decade or even less, only two years.  You should wait and develop your career and goals before jumping into anything.  YOU HAVE TIME.   You have lasted this long without a committed relationship, what is a few more years?  Please try to answer the following questions before you say “I do,” acquire a marriage license and decide to make all your life decisions with someone else steering the ship.

  1. Does the person make you uncomfortable in public situations?  If the answer is “yes.” Please move on and kick this one to the curb before there is a proposal.
  2. Does the person isolate you from others in a group? If the answer is “yes,” please move on immediately.  This is learned behavior from a dysfunctional family.
  3. Does the person talk about themselves most of the time? If the answer is “yes,” this does not mean they’re a good conversationalist, it means they’re self-centered and prideful.  Take a hint, the person won’t change once your relationship is more serious.
  4. Does the person push your physical boundaries?  If the answer is “yes,” they’re indirectly disrespecting you and they will do the same thing in different contexts later.  Do not rationalize the behavior by saying “By doing this it makes things more fun or this is an indicator there will never be a dull moment.”  This is the biggest red flag, do not stay.  End it.
  5. Is the person critical of anyone in your family?  If the answer is “yes,”  stay clear of danger!
  6. Have you asked every question you can think of about their past?  If the answer is “no,”  make a list and start checking them off.  Write down the answers, so you have a record.  The history of a person determines how they will react in the future; it’s in their (nature) and in their learned behavior from childhood (nurture).  Make no mistake, familial ties run deep.  Any questions avoided, run like the wind and do not look back.
  7. Does the person have a busy schedule or are they spending most of their time on you?  If they are spending most of their time on you; they don’t have a real job, they are not living on their own nor do they know how to manage a relationship when real life hits them in the face.  They are only making you feel special, because they don’t have anything else better to do.  Do not be a fool.  Take it for what it is and say goodbye.
  8. Do you get along with the person’s family and do they feel like family?  If the answer is “no,” and all the previous answers direct you to move on, what are you waiting for?
  9. Has the person done illegal things in front of you?  If the answer is “yes,” you should no longer look to the last item on this list!  That qualifies as corrupting.  There is no way this person should even be dating you much less become your spouse.
  10. Do you often yield to that person’s desire?  If you say “yes,” you should know this person is controlling and has no interest in sharing a world, but wants to monopolize your life to feel validated and secure.  Once you show you have a voice, they will turn on you. Get out while you still can!

Please do not take this advice lightly.  You have a life ahead and every decision you make impacts your life.  Granted, even the bad decisions can make you a better person, but please avoid some turmoil by really understanding what it means to marry the wrong person.  Being with the wrong person is worse than being single and truthfully being single can sometimes be better than having a relationship.

With enduring love from your older wiser self ,

Realist

I wish I considered the 10 questions above before marriage.  Do not avoid these questions.  I read so many relationship books it makes my mind spin and I wonder if someone gave me this advice whether it would have fallen on def ears.  It is very possible it could have.  I drank from the love cup, it happens to the best of us.  All the questions above contributed to the demise of my marriage, because they all impact parenting.  When there are only two people in a relationship there is less conflict, especially if one person is always agreeable. I was the agreeable one.

I have two children and I’m facing this Wild West court system alone.  If you read or get ideas from my original content please donate any amount on PayPal and send money to info@fyidivorce.com.

Thanks for supporting an unbiased divorce opinion blog at FYIDivorce.com

Co-parenting with Jekyll & Hyde

Divorce is not pretty.  The more time goes on the more terrible the other person’s character becomes.  It’s scary.  What’s even more terrifying is that you are faced with this new person every time the court forces you to exchange the children.  This ache starts to happen in the pit of your stomach, you get a bad taste in your mouth and slowly you can feel your facial expression change from happiness while being with your children to utter disgust and contempt (See the blog: Divorce? Beware, it’s an Emotional Jungle)  as your feet take you closer to Jekyll & Hyde.  This response is totally natural after any type of abuse has occurred.  Luckily the disgust and contempt does not get plastered on your face as a permanent mask, at least this has not happened yet.  Faith and forgiveness are the only practices that quickly wash these negative emotions away inside and out.

It would be nice if everything could be washed away immediately, but that is not real life.  Imagine having someone verbally assault you every day and then having to face them?  Or even worse, that same person comes back the next day and says, “I just want peace and whatever is best for the children.  Why won’t you work with me?”  The following day the insults come whizzing by your head once again.  Every fiber in your body wants to scream out in agony at the pain those words cause.  Silence; however, is the only loyal friend in this situation.  This silence and limiting communication with the other parent is more accurately called parallel parenting not co-parenting.  Without any vocal words, somehow the other person maintains their cool on the outside and the world for a moment feels safe to the one verbally assaulted at least half the time.  There is absolutely no one to help in this situation, especially after supervised visitation is dissolved.  Side note: qualifications are not required to be a supervisor of visitation other than a simple completion certificate, but the service still costs an arm and a leg to maintain.  Supervised visitation is a story for another day.

Co-parenting with a Jekyll & Hyde type is rough.  When days seem to get better this type of person wheels you back to their shadowy world with very little effort.  Could be like quicksand; although, once quicksand consumes you, there is no coming up for air after.  It is more like a turbulent ocean. On some days the serenity and calmness take you back to a place of peace; however, once the tide changes and the weather shifts things can get quite dangerous and you wonder if you can survive another day of chaos.  Is this the happy co-parenting image that people are preaching about in the divorce industry?  This is what really happens in a high conflict divorce, but I do not hear the courts or anyone else talking about it.  Attorneys and the courts put fuel on the fire.  Be extremely thankful you are not in a divorce with a Jekyll & Hyde person, it’s really difficult. Faith and forgiveness are the only practices that help co-parenting or parallel parenting in this type of relationship.

I have two children and I’m facing this Wild West court system alone.  If you read or get ideas from my original content please donate any amount on PayPal and send money to info@fyidivorce.com.

Thanks for supporting an unbiased divorce opinion blog at FYIDivorce.com

Should you have a Marital Settlement Conference?  5 Reasons it’s a bomb.

The language in family law is so deceiving.  A marital settlement conference (MSC) is not a conference and it is not even a pleasant meeting.  The MSC is just as deceiving as the phrase family law itself.  It sounds friendly, but it really is one of the worst industries that developed in the 19th century and a MSC is no different.  It is not family oriented and there is no mediation involved in a MSC.  Family law’s mission statement should be something like this, “Judicial process to rip families apart physically, emotionally, mentally and financially.  Diminish all dignity of parties involved, especially if it’s a contested divorce.  If there are children, ignore them as much as possible and focus all attention on what the parents want versus what is best for the children’s upbringing, best interest of the children doctrine is only used to be politically correct.”  Family law courts truly do not care about anyone, everyone is a number.  Knowing what family law truly is, try to avoid a marital settlement conference bomb and agree to settlement outside of court, see an attorney for legal language and get it notarized.

There are valid reasons why the marital settlement conference is a bomb.  It is costly.  It is inconsequential. It is long.  It is unstructured.  It is surprisingly legal.  However, there are many things that occur in family law that are shockingly legal, so the MSC is no different.

Take note of the 5 reasons the MSC is a bomb:

#1 It is costly: If both the petitioner and respondent have legal representation it is going to be a hefty bill.  Attorney fees can cost anywhere between $150 – $450 per hour.  That’s $3,600 in one day (an MSA can take 2-4 hours) and there’s no guarantee an accurate decision will be reached.  Attorneys ARE NOT mediators, I REPEAT, attorneys ARE NOT mediators.  Very few attorneys will be conscientious with how they are spending your dollars – yes, every time you are with them they are spending your money.  Once a tentative decision has been reached during the discussion period or attorney manipulation fest, the judge will go along with whatever the attorneys say whether it is accurate or not.  Emotions are intense during this period so neither the petitioner or respondent are thinking clearly – the attorneys take advantage of the situation.  Remember that’s why attorneys are in family law to begin with, they are good at manipulation, they like competition and they have a real knack for confusion especially if it benefits them (disguised as a benefit for their client of course).

#2 It is inconsequential: No final decision is reached.  The MSC does not mean an automatic marital settlement agreement or final divorce decree.  Even the hearing itself cannot be used to finalize asset division with any organization or bank.  The MSC does put negotiations on the record; however, without a signature NOTHING is final, especially if the information is inaccurate.

#3 It is long:  The discussion period happens right before the hearing.  At the hearing, everyone goes before the judge and the attorney(s) will read what was agreed to during the discussion period.  Remember the discussion period is a session of back and forth of no real resolution so near the end both parties are pressured to decide on some aspects of the case whether the decision is in both parties’ best interest or not.  Attention fatigue occurs quickly after 18 minutes to an hour of intense discussion, so neither party is in a state of verifying all the information that is being tossed back and forth after 2-3 hours of discussion.

#4 It is unstructured: Every attorney goes about this their own way.  Each party is supposed to submit an MSA brief which outlines what is supposed to be reviewed and decided on; however, this brief is purely procedural rather than followed.  Asset division should have a template division for common assets and there should be zero confusion as to where and what should be divided in a community property state, but that is not the case.  There is in fact, no structure which allows the attorneys more leeway to do their own thing inevitably adding to the stress of the situation instead of making it better.

#5 It is surprisingly legal:  This is the biggest bomb indicator of them all.  It is legal; however it shouldn’t be legal to have a MSC without a final divorce decree attached or at least some neutral party mediating the discussion and verifying all information.  If the MSC is filled with inaccurate information, the MSC becomes useless and those inaccuracies must be addressed later which takes more time and more money.

It is uncertain how family law exists as it does.  There are many unhappy divorcées from the process; however, everyone complains, but nothing seems to be done.  Many complain about the outcome of their divorce and very few take the time to dissect why the outcome came about and even less go to their senators to get laws changed or to put laws in place.  Whatever you do, AVOID the marital settlement conference.  If you can convince your broken half to go through mediation to get EVERYTHING decided, do it.   The MSC is a costly inconsequential long unstructured process that’s unfortunately legal; stay clear of the bomb.

I have two children and I’m facing this Wild West court system alone.  If you read or get ideas from my original content please donate any amount on PayPal and send money to info@fyidivorce.com.

Thanks for supporting an unbiased divorce opinion blog at FYIDivorce.com

Divorce Agony – The Wild Horse

If your divorce has lasted longer than a year, you will eventually stumble upon divorce agony.  There are so many emotions that are wrapped up in divorce.  I have described them as an emotional jungle and the 5 stages of grief, but once your divorce hits the long-term divorce mark such as over a year you will eventually reach divorce agony.  When you have been in a period of prolonged pain that twists your insides into new shapes, this feeling is agony.  The pain is intensified if the estranged spouse is an abuser (neglectful, emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, etc.).

Divorce agony is like a wild horse confined to a cage and looking out to see a beautiful green pasture beyond its reach; the longing to be free is a desire that goes unsatisfied.  Confinement creates a sense of claustrophobia.  Things are cramped.  Space is closing in.  Turning around and around, but there is nowhere to go, but to stand in the same place looking out from the same viewpoint.  Sweet scents come in on the breeze which provide some minor relief; however, no real resolution to the situation.  There are moments when freedom seems obtainable; maybe someone from the outside looking in gives a glimmer of hope, however the moments are short lived and quenched quickly with reality.

Divorce with children is that reality in a contested divorce.  Divorce with children are those steel bars that do not seem to go away.  Children themselves do not create the steel bars that pin in the wild horse that longs to be free, the courts do.  The divorce industry calls these steel bars coparenting.  These steel bars are the constant reminder of the divorce state of your life.  The issues that caused the divorce in the first place are still active and relived through coparenting and regular interaction with the person that caged you in the first place which creates agony.  Coparenting itself is not the problem; however, the system does not customize coparenting according to relationship challenges.  Happy coparenting cannot and will not exist in a contested divorce, do not be fooled.  Also, it is common for a divorce to morph from an amicable divorce to a contested divorce very quickly when emotions run hot, be very careful there is no way to predict the outcome or plan for this switch.

Everyone will respond to divorce agony in their own way.  If you are susceptible to substance abuse, stay clear of any situation that will expose you or tempt you.  Do not let divorce agony impact your relationship with your child or children.  If you can afford counseling consider it and schedule it.  If you cannot afford counseling find an outlet, so that you are not facing this dreadful emotion alone.  By joining a divorce group, talking with friends, starting a new hobby, writing or journaling you can better cope with divorce agony and tame the wild horse.

I have two children and I’m facing this Wild West court system alone.  If you read or get ideas from my original content please donate any amount on PayPal and send money to info@fyidivorce.com.

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