family court – FYI Divorce

Does divorce really have to be this way?

Divorce has to change. The courtroom drama needs to stop. Placing useless stress on families is having an unseen ripple effect in the community that is impossible to measure. Divorce has not always been the way it is in the 21st Century. The history of divorce goes all the way back to Biblical days; however, back then the only details surrounding a certificate of divorce was essentially a one-time send-off drawn up in one legal document. There was no drawn out process or a specific time of separation. There were no court dates. There were no meetings with attorneys. The certificate of divorce did EVERYTHING (Matthew 5:31). It legally severed the marriage, it divided assets and outlined how both people are to move forward. There is nothing in the Bible that shares how the children functioned in Bible times during a divorce. Going beyond Biblical days, marriage and divorce in ancient Rome sounded like it favored the male ALWAYS. According to Wikipedia, “Under Roman Law, the head of the family had absolute authority.”

Women in the Roman era could leave at any time, but they essentially left everything behind. She left her wealth and her children. I would say those situations were probably abusive situations. No one in their right mind would leave their livelihood and relatives unless they felt forced to do so. In some cases women could leave with their dowry, but still there is no indication how dowry allotment was enforced. Divorce also was considered a private matter, so only family and close friends knew of the personal matter. Divorce registration was not required until 449 CE.

The process as it is now has become a monstrosity for people in high conflict situations or people with a lot of assets. If there is low conflict and you have assets, better get ready for a high conflict divorce. The system as it is now is designed to twist the emotions of both parties so much that neither party recognizes who they are afterwards. Divorce is not pretty and it surely does not solve all the marital issues that surface after children. Why? You have children! If you have children, the other person does not fade into the background like a normal break-up; they are around for everything the children are involved in. They will be at the school. They will be at the children’s events. They will be contacting you still via email or some sort of co-parenting application. They will insist they are involved with the children and that means they are ALWAYS indirectly involved with YOU.

Additionally, if one person in the relationship was abusive divorce with children does not change their abusive tendencies it just morphs the abuse into a different form. This abuse can surface as control and/or abusive words whenever the person is angry or misunderstands something in communication. An extreme case is using the children in their abusive tactics. Divorce court only gives one option for abusive situations… A restraining order. Also very rarely does a restraining order become permanent unless the person has a criminal record, or the abuse led to a crime. Newsflash, if the abusive person is a “good” citizen on paper, the victim has no chance of justice. Please consult an attorney for any legal advice surrounding a restraining order.

Divorce must change. The community needs to take more responsibility in the union and the separation if it comes to that. The marriage and ceremony is designed to be the first public commitment the couple makes; however these days the people attending a wedding ceremony are never consulted if the happy couple all of the sudden decide to call it quits. When people get married they should be given options up front. Something like opt-in to family court or opt-out of family court; that way if a divorce becomes an inevitable solution the couple has a document to fall back on that they both originally agreed to. I would vote for a community private divorce rather than a public family court divorce, because truthfully no one in public court really cares about the people involved and the court system only makes things worse for everyone involved.

A Contested Divorce Revealed

Picture this, a couple made in heaven. Two people that look as though they are made for each other. Their mutual friends call them the dynamic duo. They gaze into each other’s eyes and those moments are enough. They do absolutely EVERYTHING together. The friends they had before they met can’t seem to compete with the newfound love. All the sudden they find themselves in a love-ship and friendship that only dreams are made of. One person spills their guts about past mistakes and the other accepts them for who they are, no questions asked. Future goals align with precision and the possibility of boredom is incomprehensible.

As the relationship continues to blossom separate lives collide at a rapid pace; however, only a few mutual friendships stick in the process. One person has solid relationships and the other person more than willing to partake in those relationships and call them their own. No harm no foul, that happens when two become one. One person 100% themselves, whereas the other person molds themselves to fit the other person’s ideal mate. Not exactly honest, but incredibly self-sacrificing at least for the short-term to win the prize.

One person goes along with whatever the other person has on their agenda. People pleasing? Maybe. Madly in love – definitely. This person is made to be the passenger in more ways than one. At first glance, it’s chivalrous. On second glance, it’s controlling. This person didn’t realize how important it is to recognize the absence of conflict as a red flag after years of experience. Even couples counseling didn’t spotlight the glaring red herring lurking amid pure love.

Love that can only be manifested by starting a family of course. A family in which both people know for certain could make their image complete, because somehow the pure love that was supposed to last forever didn’t seem to be enough after a while. Something must be missing. It must be children.

The couple made in heaven, got a nice heaping dose of reality. Conflict surfaced immediately after children. The bliss came crashing down as if an earthquake hit their inner core. No longer was the controlling person able to control. No longer was the compliant person able to sustain compliance. Equilibrium was off in a big way. The pressure test is the ultimate test of true love. Is the love strong enough to conquer all as fairy tales so triumphantly preach? No. Because for true love to conquer all, agape love must exist and persist. If the pressure is too great for either party, the foundation cracks. Those cracks leave the relationship vulnerable to outside influences that have the power to transform each person in the relationship into someone else entirely. That’s what happened. That’s what’s behind a contested divorce.

I have two children and I’m facing this Wild West court system alone. If you read or get ideas from my original content please donate any amount on PayPal and send money to info@fyidivorce.com.

Thanks for supporting an unbiased divorce opinion blog at FYIDivorce.com

6 Things a Divorce Attorney Won’t Tell You

If you can manage it, get through your divorce with as little family law industry personnel involved as possible. Almost every person that works in the family law industry and even your friends will say, “you need an attorney!” Newsflash, they don’t REALLY know and if they work in the industry, they have ulterior motives. Your friends, family or co-workers only tell you, you need an attorney because it seems to make sense. Initially you feel you are at a disadvantage if your estranged spouse has an attorney and you do not, if you’re working full-time and you have children you will probably have to get an attorney if the children are with you most the time; however, if you have a good support system and your work schedule is flexible, explore representing yourself or filing online. If you find you must start talking with attorneys you need to be aware of these 6 topics that fly under the radar:

#1 The attorney will not tell you to go without an attorney, it conflicts with their livelihood. An attorney knows the system and the divorce system is designed to make money. If you hire an attorney, you still use your time and energy to explain everything to your attorney. Additionally, you must review all paperwork they prepare, because your signature is required on every form. Whether you are the petitioner (the person who filed for the divorce) or the respondent (the person responding to the person who filed); an attorney will not grasp your position as much as you. Every state has rules and regulations on how they do things, your divorce will follow those rules and regulations; you will not be the exception because you hired a good attorney.

#2 The attorney will not tell you they don’t care directly. It’s unimaginable that people can become so calloused; however, they probably did not start out that way. The system grooms people to become desensitized to your situation. It’s only natural. Family law people put on a caring façade to gain your trust (there are some exceptions, but few). The more people they’ve worked with, the less caring they typically are. There is no way they could face their work day without that hard shell, because to be good at what they do, they must manipulate the other side and manipulate you too. Remember they are also charging you an arm and a leg at the same time whether you can afford it or not. Married celebrities, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, discovered this late in the game according to Vanity Fair and finally decided to go with a private judge which minimizes attorney and media manipulation, plus keeps things private from the public.

#3 The attorney will not tell you your story DOESN’T matter to the court. This is huge! If you already have an attorney you are already somewhat familiar with the preparation that is required to file the paperwork or forms with the court. The first declaration forms go to great lengths to set the backdrop behind the reasons for the divorce. Hours upon hours are spent by you and your attorney to arrive at a reasonably true story. If you don’t have a caring attorney, the attorney will input drama where needed and hyperbole to make the story more compelling so the judge finds it interesting to read. What’s worse is that these lies are never refuted at the hearing. The story is filed as fact and then the other person can submit their own declaration (link example is from California) refuting the lies, but there is no consensus.

#4 The attorney will not tell you the judge will make an order or decline making an order as they see fit regardless of your attorney’s performance or the damages that accrued in the relationship. The judge sees numerous cases a day, you are just a number. If the judge had a bad morning and you show emotion, 2 strikes against whatever you think is a fair compromise. All the while, your attorney sits there helpless and you paid them to sit there helpless. Every hearing has an objective set by the judge or opposing council, so if the situation that is rectified before the date on the court’s calendar you cannot replace that objective with something else. The date is removed from calendar and if there’s another topic that needs to be addressed you or your attorney must file a motion to put it back on calendar. What does this do? It prolongs the divorce and keeps the legal tab open.

#5 The attorney will not tell you to always show up in court or the other side will have the advantage. This is a common-sense scenario. From the judge’s perspective if you didn’t take the time to appear in court you automatically have less authority and skin in the game even though you sent your attorney to represent you. If you truly don’t care, this could work for you, but if you truly do care, always appear in court.

#6 If you live in a liberal state and have children, judges & attorneys do not follow “best interests of the child” doctrine. Shocking I know! Family law is like the Wild West. There are very few absolutes and all kinds of grey area. For the court to care about the children in an abusive situation, the spouse in question MUST have a criminal record and/or the abuse must be verified by a professional 3^rd party.

Think twice before seeking an attorney to file for divorce. If you loved your spouse at least for a moment during your marriage, save yourself the stress and heartache that comes along with the attorney representation package. The judge in every divorce case bases their decision on previous case decisions and if the judge breaks the law and favors the other side unjustly you can appeal. If you think your spouse will get an attorney, seek advice from an attorney, but talk to many, because if you go with a calloused one you’ll be in for a long haul.

I have two children and I’m facing this Wild West court system alone. If you read or get ideas from my original content please donate any amount on PayPal and send money to info@fyidivorce.com.

Thanks for supporting an unbiased divorce opinion blog at FYIDivorce.com

Welcome to FYI Divorce, real life divorce tips

Welcome to FYI Divorce, an unbiased resource that’s not tapping into the industry of divorce, but tapping into the heart of the matter; PEOPLE’s LIVES.

You’re reading this now, because you’re thinking about divorce, starting a divorce, going through a divorce or have already experienced the divorce process. There are very few resources on divorce that are truly objective resources. Almost every divorce online resource has the money strings attached, so the perspective of the article or website is skewed. No longer, my friends! Welcome to FYI Divorce, an unbiased resource that’s not tapping into the industry of divorce, but tapping into the heart of the matter; PEOPLE’s LIVES. This is not a place to find legal advice. This is a place to find the real deal; reveal what’s behind the divorce curtain for lack of a better analogy.

Hold onto your hats, because FYI Divorce will be taking you on a wild ride. There will be insight garnered from personal experience (a perspective outside of family law), there will be interviews of divorcées, there will be interviews of industry workers and most of all there will be NO SUGARCOATING. It’s time there is some real talk about what goes on in the courthouse and the courtroom and how the individuals’ experience can be drastically different depending on what state and county the divorce is filed.

There are many different types of divorce. There are online divorces, uncontested divorces, contested divorces, only custody cases in non-marital situations, domestic violence divorces, irreconcilable differences divorces (which covers up the true reason for divorce), short term marriage divorces, long-term marriage divorces and the list goes on. It’s time someone talks about the experience that unravels once you enter this tangled web of family law. DO NOT ENTER the divorce lane without reading FYI Divorce first.

If divorce was simple, there would be no need for FYI Divorce. Divorce is complicated. The state government and attorneys make it even more complicated. It’s not like you can file all the necessary paperwork with or without an attorney and go on your merry way as a singleton. Once you go down this expensive path of family law there is no U-turn. Do I have your attention? Your life matters. Family law does not consider your life. Family law does not care about you, your family or even your kids. Family law is there to accept your dollars, shuffle paperwork and do it all over again the next day. There are those rare few in family law that do want to have a positive impact in the industry, but those people are extremely scarce and busy; good word travels fast. Stay tuned for more real talk on divorce tips and family law.