marriage – FYI Divorce

Avoid Relationship Escapes By Embracing the Drought

Friendship with benefits, also known as a relationship escape, is pure foolery; it did not work back in the day and it does not work now. It’s unimpressive child’s play while playing along is only amusing for a time, but destroys any hope of a true monogamous relationship. Post-divorcees be warned, the escape feelings come on when you least expect it; don’t fill the void with a camouflage relationship. Identify patterns in people that will negatively impact your life so that you don’t use a new relationship to escape from the mundane singleness you find yourself in (psst… it is crucial to your CONTENTMENT). Additionally, by identifying these patterns it is easier to detach from the “feelings” involved that make attention seeking necessary from the WRONG people.

It takes time to recover from a broken marriage. Allow yourself time to recover. Relationship escapes never work. Marriage is designed to foster life in people (at least a healthy marriage is). Getting caught up in a new pseudo relationship so soon can seriously diminish the sufferings that are intended to make you grow as a person preparing you for your future mate. It also increases the risk of making a mistake a second time around. No one wants that! Once you come to this conclusion it will make a huge difference in accepting the reality of being single. Additionally, it’s important to analyze every weakness. There is very little time to do this once you are back in the driver’s seat of a relationship, because a relationship requires time and attention. By proactively analyzing your weaknesses you can respond appropriately in spontaneous situations minimizing mistakes and maximizing love (I can’t wait to test this theory). Plus, once in a relationship this self-reflection should be added to the calendar at least once a year without meeting up with an old fling if you get my drift.

There have been at least 3 encounters of relationship escapes since the Big D five years ago. The first stemmed from online dating, the second budded from friendship and the third sprouted from familiarity and physical chemistry. None of them worked, because they filled a single-void rather than fulfilling what the Lord designed for marriage. The Lord’s timing is perfect versus taking control and manufacturing a new life to replace the one that is lost. Embracing the relationship drought is tough, but required for the next chapter to have a happy ending in marriage. Patiently waiting in anticipation.

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. – Proverbs 4:23

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Coronavirus Quarantine: Dreaming of Marriage in Divorce Loneliness, Here’s a Rose

The divorce isolation has never been so acute as it is now in quarantine life, but somehow roses make it better. Longing for a spouse is greater now than it has ever been, because without “the person” all that thought time rests in the inadequate self and menial activities versus a stimulating connection with another human. The fact is, loneliness is the wrong motivation for a spouse entirely. A spouse shouldn’t be there to pacify loneliness or act as a security blanket. A spouse is there to be a partner in life, working with their partner in unison to accomplish life’s goals together in all quadrants (health, spirituality, intellect and community). Satisfying the desire for a romantic touch or gesture does not satisfy all the quadrants essential for an “ideal” marriage relationship to thrive in the hard-cold world and the quadrant grid must be firmly drawn on character lines of course.

Somehow inspired by roses, meeting of the minds and hearts is a fantasy that occupies daydreams of marriage in divorce loneliness.

Divorce loneliness longs to watch a relationship fantasy launch with only a look making sparks fly after decades of familiarity. A mere touch of the hand gives support that could be compared to the engineering stability of the Golden Gate Bridge. Some words of encouragement that sustain like a 4-course meal. A thoughtful act which warms your soul even when the outside temperature is below freezing. After all this, chemistry collides with bodies, and the groundwork is laid for a heavenly intimate experience only possible because God designed it. Does this exist for some marriages? It must or I am a hopeless romantic! This has to be the definition of finding the one and only (the peanut butter to your jelly, the lock to your key, the cookie for your filling, etc.)

What destroys the love fantasy experienced above? When people turn into Jekyll and Hyde or emotions flare-up with no resolution or acknowledgement from the unresponsive spouse (this is divorce loneliness while married – unmet emotional needs and a lack of communication); however, a validating spouse loves the other through these turbulent moments like giving a rose to someone who is crying. They do not make things worse with manipulative reaction abuse to somehow get the perceived upper hand in the situation. In the imaginary romantic world of marriage, those tough hard times should create deeper intimacy and love, because that’s the outcome when disagreements turn into compromises and roses are given instead of ridicule. When marriage becomes a dictatorship or bulldozer with no resolution, the connection starts flickering slowly, oh so dreadfully slowly.

Connection with life is flickering slowly with this quarantine too. It feels like a dying marriage lately. The pervasive Coronavirus has infected everything not just human bodies; marriage, divorce, family life, children, etc. Going to the grocery store is one place where there should be life; however instead, life is flickering. Everyone has a mask on, everyone maintains some distance, and no one is making pleasant conversation or meaningful eye contact. Now everyone gets to experience the courthouse at the grocery store. Even the happy couples are distant. One man suggested to his wife, “do you want some roses?” and her answer was “no, I don’t think we need them.” The words fell like a great weight to the bottom of his heart. Couldn’t she have said, “what a lovely idea dear;” “roses sure would brighten the mood;” “roses smell so good, OK”?

They are simply roses and the lady could not make the leap, to “yes.” The quarantine made her response 10x drearier than any other day though, because it was mechanical and a rose is a symbol of life, love and happiness – something that everyone desires right now with this quarantine. Divorce loneliness is better with roses than without. I wish I could share my roses with him now and reverse the mechanical damage. What a difference a correct response makes in creating love for the one you call LOVE. Dreaming of marriage in divorce loneliness is a reality check, the desire for marriage is still there, but loneliness cannot be the main reason. Look for that special someone that says, I understand you’re lonely, here’s a rose.

Marriage & Divorce: Whatever you do, do not marry a male masturbator

Did you know that according to Psychology Today, “In the 19th century, Jean-Etienne Esquirol, an eminent psychiatrist and physician-in-chief at the Salpêtrière Hospital in Paris, declared in his classification of mental disorders (1838) that masturbation is ‘recognized in all countries as a cause of insanity.” In the same article, the mental classification was only changed in 1968! The article then explains there are “benefits” to masturbation. Does anyone else see propaganda here? There are few real benefits to masturbation especially while in a relationship. This newfound idea in 1968 is false and most likely a movement towards preventing pregnancy or STDs in young people.

Whatever you do DO NOT marry a male masturbator (a.k.a the frog always on the toilet), because marriage is a union that is created for sexual intimacy, societal constructs, family and commitment. If any of those four are not in a person’s plan, marriage simply is not for them and they may not even know it.

First and foremost, let’s dive into what a masturbator is. It is not simply a person who masturbates. It is so much more (10 years of experience with one). A masturbator masturbates frequently. Masturbating is not an occasional occurrence that only happens when he cannot get satisfaction from his wife. A masturbator typically learned to masturbate in his teens or earlier and it is part of his existence and something he engages in at least twice per week whether he is sexually active or not. That means he regularly engaged in the practice before he met his sexual partner. A female needs to be very careful of this type of male (females masturbate too; however, commenting on female masturbators is speculation without backing at least in this write-up); because, he appears like the perfect catch and preys upon religious or women of propriety (he assumes these women want less sex and typically are more submissive than the average).

A male masturbator will also be very respectful with sexual boundaries, because they will masturbate before an encounter with a woman or after an encounter with a woman (without fail). Masturbators do not have self-control, they have “sex alternatives.” Masturbators like using sex to manipulate their partner. They use sex to punish their partner and they use sex to shame their partner. A masturbator IS NOT someone who masturbates occasionally (let’s say roughly 12 times per year give or take 5), but I repeat someone who masturbates regularly is a “masturbator.” Now that we are on the same page with what a “masturbator” is, let’s dive into why you do not marry a masturbator.

Now let’s get into the heart of the matter, you do not marry a masturbator because marriage was created for sexual intimacy. Since the beginning of time marriage was created for a man and a woman to have monogamous sex.

A male masturbator will be happy with sex once a week and may even say sex is not important in a marriage.

Throughout history the definition of marriage has swayed from here to there because of cultural shifts; however, do not be fooled. The original marriage construct is the most fulfilling no matter what people say and things only change to make people feel better about their habits or to prevent judgments. It is amazing how deviancy is accepted the more widely people are convinced deviancy is normal. If you desire sexual intimacy in marriage you will not have sexual intimacy if you marry a masturbator. A masturbator is a self-trained pleasure seeker. The years and years of programming in place cannot be undone merely from a love encounter. Additionally, a masturbator will be addicted to pornography on some level.

In a masturbator relationship, the other person is ALWAYS replaceable by masturbation and pornography.

This is also why it is impossible for a masturbator to be vulnerable and let himself need you. It is a way for him to have COMPLETE CONTROL. Someone that cannot be vulnerable will not fulfill the marriage vows in the sex department. If he is upset, he will withhold sex. If he wants to drive you crazy he will withhold sex. If he wants to tout his dominance in the marriage, he will withhold sex. While all along he will not withhold sex from himself. You heard the WARNING here first, because no one else seems to talk about it.

Do not marry a masturbator, because marriage was created for societal constructs not for “show.” What does this mean exactly? A societal construct helps people thrive in community, because everyone lends a helping hand especially when there are children. A masturbator’s number one concern is HIMSELF. Masturbators like to look good and most likely all are narcissists. Someone who is selfish above all things like the masturbator is incapable of fulfilling the responsibility that a societal construct requires. They like to look like they are doing work, but they do not actually enjoy doing the work. If they are working, their internal dialogue is constant grumbling (text messaging, behavioral analysis & response, emails… are all a good way to measure internal dialogue projections). They will grumble and they will feel like they are being made to do whatever they are doing. It could be as simple as washing the dishes for the family or something more time consuming like participating in community events. A negative internal dialogue is detrimental to marriage and will most definitely occur when societal construct responsibilities surface during the relationship with a masturbator.

Do not marry a masturbator, because marriage was created for family. Family can include children or not. Family means the family unit comes first before people outside the family unit. This is a fundamental quality in someone that is good marriage material, they put immediate family before all others to secure the bond, build trust and keep things stable. A male masturbator does not put family first. The foundation of this person’s makeup is himself and then next his is extended family; so self-preservation is priority number one! If the masturbator is making waves at home, he will disappear, he will vent to others and he will make sure that others are on his side by embellishing stories or making things up from scratch. It all ties in with masturbation (sex by yourself), because sex is the bond between husband and wife and without it that bond is non-existent especially if there is no physical impairment preventing sex other than masturbation. Masturbation helps minimize any conscience he has, because he is king of the hill and no one else really matters (the physical bond is replaceable). This type of behavior is not productive or loving in a marriage. This type of behavior is a perfect storm for divorce or an unhappy sexless marriage.

Do not marry a masturbator, because marriage was created for commitment. Once a masturbator has secured his catch or mate, there is less challenge and mystery. Throw in children and voilà; this immediately gives the masturbator reason to replace the missing spice with his wife with other relationships. It could be co-workers or friends but getting away from his wife appears to be the answer to all his problems and he can physically do so for some time, because he masturbates and basically does not need her. A masturbator will always resort to masturbating if he has struggles in any area of his life. Masturbating is a coping mechanism. His commitment on his wedding day is long forgotten. In sickness and in health, becomes trivial and intimacy with his wife is labeled “just sex” in his brain. Commitment in the long-term has no meaning to a masturbator, because the only bond he is comfortable having is the bond with himself (me, myself & I).

Do not settle for a masturbator’s excuses like convenience, arousal, endurance or better sleep. No wife can compete with a pro male masturbator, why? A wife has less practice and cannot comprehensibly know how to arouse her husband the same way he knows how to arouse himself. In a masturbator’s world, sex has always been an isolated event and the programming in place is practically impossible to re-circuit without the masturbator being fully on board. Whatever you do, do not marry a masturbator. Ladies, staying away from these men in marriage will save you from a lot of heartache and discontent. Ask the right questions during the courtship and/or friendship, because long-lasting marriage includes, sexual intimacy, societal constructs, family and commitment. Make sure your future husband has the qualities for the duration, not just for the first mile.

Marrying A Military Man Is A Risk

Something needs to be done about family education in society and the military. Every immediate family member that is exposed to military personnel with traumatic experiences in their history is at risk for abuse. The government is taking no responsibility, the military branch is taking no responsibility and schools are taking no responsibility. This is not only a PTSD issue, this is a human issue. It is a lack of concern for another human being from the start of their military service. It begins when young men/women are recruited, it continues when they are serving their country and it continues still when they come home and try to integrate back into civilian life. Family law profits off this discord that military service cultivates in families. It is a chain reaction and I wish I knew about it before I got married.

Before you start a relationship know the history of the person you are marrying, because as I have experienced, it can come back to haunt you especially if abuse was not acknowledged and/or identified in the nuclear family that served in the military. Even a person who wasn’t in the military, but exposed to military parents can suffer in adulthood. Be fully aware of the indicators by asking a few questions:

1. Did siblings have any developmental issues growing up or unusual behavior?

2. Has the family faced any government authority before?

3. What is the history of the parents and their experiences?

Only recently have people become more acquainted with PTSD. I have heard that admitting any mental flaw or struggle in the military can set the person up for failure instead of success, this was especially true I assume in the 1970s after the Vietnam war which lasted from 1955 to 1975. See History.com for more on the Vietnam War timeline. Soldiers who served in Iraq from 2003 – 2011 will hopefully have a better chance now that counseling is becoming more accepted.

Counseling should be mandatory for every military person that has served during wartime or who has been exposed to someone who has served during wartime. When these courageous men and women come home they need support and their families need emotional support, not for a year for the life of the retired soldier. Every person is impacted by their overseas and wartime experiences whether it is acknowledged or not.

Signs to look out for if your spouse is triggered:

1. Nightmares

2. Sudden change in character

3. Sudden change in friends

4. Withdrawing and/or stonewalling

5. Increase in alcohol consumption or marijuana use

6. Strange behavior with children and/or defensiveness

7. Absent and/or not coming home

8. Mood swings

9. Depression

10. Gas-lighting

Note: I am not a psychologist or therapist. Signs are purely from experience and online research.

The person who divorced me did not want to own up to the trigger list. He preferred to keep everything buried and locked away (similar to his parents who are still married to this day). He divorced me, because I was not afraid to point out the abuse that was festering and for some reason he couldn’t make it stop. He would try on his own, but then fall right back into the same patterns. The abuse to this day remains cyclical. He divorced me to save face and protect himself from jail, so far his strategy has worked.

Confronting a jaded past is difficult for anyone, confronting the past when there is abuse is almost impossible unless the person who was abused is strong enough to face it and heal; however, if you have children you must stand up for what is right and stop the crazy cycle. I made the mistake of confronting him before recording the behavior on tape or video. Do not make my same mistake if there is abuse in your home get it on video. Turning a blind eye is not what is best for your family. Do what you can to educate yourself on abuse and raising a family with the right parenting style, an authoritative approach from both parents. Remember, marrying into a military family is a risk especially if someone served during wartime; please understand the possible consequences.

The Dichotomy of Darkness in Light

When you get married you are making a commitment. Marriage is not this endless love nest or dating on steroids (it can feel that way in the beginning though). It can take years before you really know a person, for me it took my relationship 6 years, before my other half turned to the dark side. In my analysis, this switch was triggered by our first born, but anything can trigger it if the person you are married to has a trigger. In my situation, maybe he didn’t know what love is, maybe he couldn’t wrap his head around the flaws, maybe he just did not want to put the effort into the marriage to make it work, maybe he still wanted to be married to the young girl he could control or maybe he let his guard down and darkness entered his heart replacing the love he had for me with love he had for himself instead. The last four years with him were an unforgettable abuse whirlwind . He gradually became a different person or he gradually revealed his true person starting at the birth of our daughter (trigger event). Either way it triggers a discussion that has been floating around in various social media circles, the belief that darkness and light can simultaneously be in the same place at the same time. Scientifically it is impossible; but metaphorically it is possible.

This is the challenge between the realist and the idealist, the dichotomy of darkness in light existing all at once like the yin and yang from the Chinese belief system of the Tao (even though it does in fact represent duality); however, I think looking deeper the symbol sums it up nicely; there’s not one portion of the symbol that is gray (mixture of light and dark). Each section is separate, there is no blending of black and white. Also, if ever there is imbalance like a mixture of light and dark (my interpretation) or too much dark for example, they call this vacuity in Chinese medicine, there’s an actual word that describes the consequences of becoming confused. This tipping of the balance is also known as a depressed state of being. My other half seemed to be bit by the Existentialism bug. Wikipedia sums it up nicely, “people who face the emptiness and accept responsibility aim to live ‘authentic’ lives.” Ah ha! The answer is clearer now than ever.

There is no such thing as darkness within light or light within darkness; however, if you are the type of person who likes to color outside the lines I think this metaphorical way of thinking helps you rationalize the things you feel guilty about. This is not about shame, blame or judgment. It’s about calling a spade a spade. This faulty way of thinking is damaging relationships everywhere, not only in marriages. This way of thinking throws off the balance of life. A person who aims to live by their authentic sinful self throws morality to the wind and embraces immorality as a characteristic of living. Guilt is not a disposable feeling. Guilt has a purpose. When you throw away a purposeful feeling that is only associated with human beings, is not that regression instead of progression?

I have two children and I’m facing this Wild West court system alone. If you read or get ideas from my original content please donate any amount on PayPal and send money to info@fyidivorce.com.

Thanks for supporting an unbiased divorce opinion blog at FYIDivorce.com

Don’t Let Divorce Happen to You

There are many words circling in my brain. Disillusionment, frustration, duped, disbelief, hurt, shocked, sad and empty. Emotional stages of divorce vary for everyone. Since separation, acceptance was the immediate response to the tragedy of my divorce considering the abusive history that ensued once the first child was born. The feeling was mutual when I received the papers. Was the first born a trigger? It felt like the first born ignited something. The change was gradual at first. After having a baby, the woman goes through a major transition physically and emotionally, I was no different. I was not myself, no woman is; however, no amount of stress is any excuse for abuse. He was not himself either. Men do not have the babies; however the change can impact men in unknown ways. It could be the laws of nature, it could be genetics or it could even be the environment that fosters the change; whatever it is, the abusive spouse is not justified in their poor treatment of the other. When you get married, you are supposed to work through difficulties like speed bumps, so I thought.

If your spouse has unacknowledged abuse in their past, brace yourself you will be facing roadblocks as tall as mountains adorned with caution tape and floodlights, that’s what happened and why I find myself getting divorced.

As a little young thing, I did not pay attention to any of the signs during courtship. Young people, are accepting of flaws in others, because they lack the experience to discern otherwise. That was me. I bought his story hook line and sinker. He fell in love with a girl who hung on his every word and did whatever he wanted to do. He became her ideal mate, not because those characteristics were apart of who he was, but because he desired to be that person for her. It sounds like an everyday love story. Both people should make each other better. That sounds good. It sounds RIGHT. It is like some famous quotes, “You complete me” from Jerry McGuire or “It’s always better when we’re together” from singer songwriter, Jack Johnson. This understanding of companionship is downright false and misleading. It is imperative that each person in the relationship is who they say they are. Do not change to be “better.” Do not put on airs. Do not try to be anything for your partner other than yourself.

If you use any other strategy for love your relationship will end and if you make the mistake of getting married it will end in divorce. Do not let divorce happen to you.

After, the makeup second child, he decided to finally end it when the makeup child was incubating in my womb. I was so angry after I found out I was pregnant and that he reverted into the same pattern/person that he was before we made up, so much so, that the second child conception was the last time we were together. It was dreadful. He was bent on acting like everything was okay publicly; however, at home the emotional abuse ran rampant and there was no end to conflict. After the baby was born, he filed for divorce.

That little bundle immediately became my silver lining. I was incredibly thankful that I had this little parting gift, but the pain inside was just as riveting because I knew the baby and my oldest would not experience the nurturing environment I had while growing up.

The relationship spun out of control. It became so wound up after the first child, the reset button remained blinking, begging to be pushed. Words and actions gradually ate away at the marriage stronghold. The person that committed his life to me, all the sudden forgot who he was and what we were about. All that mattered was his way and objections would be met with avoidance and/or rejection/conditional love. My vision was clouded. The constant changing person before me left me off-balance unable to regain my footing. My emotions got the best of me. Divorce was not even in the picture before children; however, children changed the family dynamics and conflict can ruin a marriage.

Do not pretend to be someone else. Do not let conflict ruin your marriage. Do not be anyone, but yourself. Talk about everything. Practice forgiveness daily. Poor into your marriage like it is the very thing that gives you life. Compromise.

I have two children and I’m facing this Wild West court system alone. If you read or get ideas from my original content please donate any amount on PayPal and send money to info@fyidivorce.com.

Thanks for supporting an unbiased divorce opinion blog at FYIDivorce.com

Family Law – The Desert for Raw Emotions

If you’re considering divorce, please reconsider. Make your spouse a priority, work on your marriage and above all avoid the Family Law desert, especially if there is no abuse in your marriage.

The best deterrent to ending your marriage is the Family Law system. Family Law itself is the greatest punishment inflicted on married couples in their lifetime. Of course, married couples don’t realize the doom that awaits until they decide to divorce. The person looking for the divorce wants to immediately end whatever disruption that is in the marriage by severing the relationship with the other person; however, this feeling to separate to end the pain of the relationship does not justify the divorce, but demonstrates that person’s inability to cope, adapt, change and most of all forgive and bounce back. In cases of abuse it is much different. Often the one being abused doesn’t divorce, because they are controlled by their abuser or they think it is against their religion. The brave punching bags (people that are at the mercy of their spouse’s fists or flying objects, verbally abusive words, psychological games and abuse, neglect or isolation or withholding stimulation such as conversation for extended periods of time), these people are extremely tough victims that have the courage to file for divorce.

Abusers rarely file for divorce because they like controlling their victims and divorcing defeats their sick passion for control or domination. If they divorce there is no one left to control, belittle and put down to make themselves feel better (abusers have low self-esteem). In some cases, the victim can convince their abuser to divorce them if their abuser is extremely concerned with public perception or the abuser is hiding something they do not want public. The abuser will sometimes file to have perceived control over the outcome of divorce thus giving them the upper hand or saving their reputation. Many states have adopted no-fault divorce to keep the situation surrounding the divorce quiet; however, if you’re married to an abuser they will be sure to use their abusing tactics whether or not the state is no-fault, so be forewarned, abuse does not go away in a divorce or during the separation process it just takes on a different form. Liberal states do not care about abuse in a divorce case unless there are criminal cases attached and the abuser has a criminal record.

The Family Law system is incredibly broken. Some states like Mississippi still do not have no-fault in their divorce proceedings; however, recently they passed a Domestic Abuse Reform bill according to The Clarion Ledger – Part of the USA Today Network. However, even this amendment doesn’t account for numerous kinds of abuse that occur in families (neglect, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, etc.). Additionally, what if there is ongoing abuse of the children within the relationship by one spouse? In liberal states, the courts do not care unless it is so bad there is a criminal case and conviction. Best interest of the child doctrine is only used loosely in liberal states and IS NOT LAW. Because best interest of the child is not law, judges are not required to follow it. Absurd, right? Child Protective Services or Child Welfare Services or all the other state variations that name the agency that steps in to supposedly prevent child abuse (every state and even county have a different child abuse prevention agency), will only get involved if the situation is bad enough to remove the children from both parents. The general consensus is, “keep the children in the home, because the foster care system makes things even worse.”

Men, if your wife is deranged and you can see your children have been neglected; however, your wife has no criminal background you will not get sole custody of the children. Women, if your husband is abusing you and the children and there is no criminal documentation of the incidents you will not get sole custody of the children. Men and Women who have zero abuse in your relationship, please DO NOT go to court and claim there is abuse. One of the main reasons men and women in abusive relationships are not protected by the system, because people are notorious for lying and duping the system to one-up their spouses. DO NOT be these people, you are hurting others indirectly and you are hurting your children if you have children. Divorce elicits a number of jungle emotions that are unhealthy for a family which is another reason why divorce should be your last resort if there’s no abuse.

If you’re considering divorce, please reconsider. Make your spouse a priority, work on your marriage and above all avoid the Family Law desert, especially if there is no abuse in your marriage. If you are in an abusive relationship, get out. There are many resources online that can help you define whether you are in an abusive relationship; Family Services is one of many. Some abuse can be mended with counseling; however, unless the abuser truly finds God or there’s an act of God that makes the abuser change, like they get struck by lightning or have a near death experience the likelihood of change on their own will either be a trap (manipulation) or behavior modification that will only last for a season.

I have two children and I’m facing this Wild West court system alone. If you read or get ideas from my original content please donate any amount on PayPal and send money to info@fyidivorce.com.

Thanks for supporting an unbiased divorce opinion blog at FYIDivorce.com

Divorce Strategy, Petitioner or Respondent?

There are some advantages for the person who files for divorce, also known as the petitioner, but the advantages do not compare to the internal turmoil that results which is why you should consider being the respondent instead. The thought of divorce starts brewing when there is conflict percolating that goes unresolved. One person avoids confronting the other, so the internal grumbling gets pushed off to another day and that seed of discontent resurfaces when something else goes wrong. If you have young children you are in a pressure cooker, because both of you aren’t getting any sleep, you have less time to talk than you did before little ones, you are now in a position of disciplinarian and/or correcting daily and one person is usually more of the care-taker which means less caring for the other person and less caring for themselves in general (this is a season, don’t lose track of your end game). If your relationship didn’t break with young kids, after the period you either do not rebuild your relationship or you continue in the same negative relationship patterns that evolved during that time. Long-term relationships are demanding work! Marriages with children require even more work! If you’re lazy, do not get married. Like anything in this life, relationships require maintenance and upkeep for them to thrive.

If a thriving marriage seems nowhere in sight and you are considering divorce as a petitioner, it would be folly not to mention the immediate 5 advantages of this position in the divorce.

The petitioner has the most time to find the right attorney. You can interview as many attorneys as you like and there will not be one single attorney that recommends you stay married. They aren’t marriage counselors. They are marriage destroyers. Family law is their life and they will be eager to agree with whatever story you unload at their office as cause for the divorce.
You, as the petitioner, are paying into the Family Law system upfront. The other person has zero skin in the game; however, as the petitioner you are already making the investment in controlling the outcome of your divorce settlement. This is also somewhat of an illusion, because every state and county has rules and laws at which settlement is derived; however, you are the one steering the boat and it is your timetable and your timetable only. Your spouse has zero say. Even if your spouse wanted to file online, your spouse is stuck doing things your way through the court no matter what.
You can take advantage of the loopholes in the system. There are certain deadlines, disclosures, et cetera that are required throughout the process; however, the petitioner will often surprise the respondent in court like delivering declarations at the hearing instead of beforehand like documentation requires (attorneys are not reprimanded for engaging in this type of courtroom scheming). The purpose is to put added pressure on the respondent whether the respondent has an attorney or not so that the respondent will yield to what opposing council desires.
A conniving petitioner has the advantage of hiding assets and cash. The court does not automatically order financial discovery. Due to this fact, the petitioner has a monetary advantage unless the respondent chooses to enlist a financial discovery team; however, no team can explore offshore bank accounts. Domestically they will only find something that the respondent has generally already discovered, but needs more backup. For example, if the petitioner decided to open a bank account a year before they decided to file for a divorce and kept it a complete secret from the spouse. Hiding assets is a crime; however, people will do the craziest things in a divorce and shockingly some get away with it.
Finally, the petitioner has the first opportunity to engage in vengeful rhetoric aimed to break the respondent. The person who files is usually the person who is harder to please in the relationship. They keep track of every single grievance either by literally writing it down or making mental notes throughout the relationship. The petitioner could also be someone who wants to hide something that could damage the petitioner’s reputation, so the goal is to make the respondent sound like a bad person whether it’s true or not. The court never verifies the story from either side.

Emotions in a divorce are nothing like you’ve ever experienced. Divorce creates an emotional jungle which is why being the petitioner is more hurtful to the person petitioning than they realize. All the reasons why they file for divorce are relived repeatedly during the process from the start. If there isn’t abuse involved, being the petitioner is essentially giving up. The person who files is rarely the person that’s happy after it’s over. Their emotional state is likely to remain unchanged longer than that of the respondent. As the respondent, the emotional jungle is still something to be dealt with; however, it is not all consuming like it is for the petitioner (this could be false, if there are other factors involved like alcohol dependency, drugs, disorders, etc.). The respondent is faced with rejection; however, the petitioner undoubtedly left clues of dissatisfaction throughout the relationship so it’s not like the respondent can claim they were blindsided. As the respondent, there are more mental advantages than monetary advantages and power plays.

The respondent does not harbor bitterness which can slowly deteriorate and infect other relationships. This is huge, because when going through a divorce the lives of both people are turned upside down and maintaining friendships is critical to remain somewhat of a balanced person. If you have children keeping your mind free of negativity helps you to parent wisely and recover from rejection.
The respondent can make better decisions, because they aren’t steering the boat. As the respondent, you can focus on what really matters instead of past grievances or what the attorney(s) conjure up.
If you’re the respondent, you know that you weren’t the one that gave up on your marriage. By definition, you are the more optimistic partner. If you were given a choice in the matter, you probably would have gone to great lengths to save the marriage if you could.
Being the respondent means you are more willing to be flexible and you are less selfish than your partner. You are relinquishing control to the other person by default.
Finally, choosing to respond to a divorce filing rather than initiating a divorce filing means you take your wedding vows more seriously and commitment is something you honor. Even with all the conflict that made the other person file, you decided that filing for divorce would cause more harm than good. As the respondent, you are taking the high road.

A long-term relationship is challenging work! Marriage is no exception; add in children and the work is that much greater. However, working through conflict, practicing forgiveness and honoring marriage unlocks the door to relationship contentment. As the petitioner, you’re giving up and you’re letting your emotions drive your actions; as the respondent, you can find the eye of the storm and find peace through it all. Yes, as the petitioner there are monetary and power play advantages, but as the respondent, you have a mental advantage. Money is temporal and power plays damage the soul, neither is much of a win. Choose respondent, go to great lengths to save your marriage now. Do not wait for the other person. If the other person files, at least you know you did your best.

I have two children and I’m facing this Wild West court system alone. If you read or get ideas from my original content please donate any amount on PayPal and send money to info@fyidivorce.com.

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