communication – FYI Divorce

Coronavirus Quarantine: Dreaming of Marriage in Divorce Loneliness, Here’s a Rose

The divorce isolation has never been so acute as it is now in quarantine life, but somehow roses make it better. Longing for a spouse is greater now than it has ever been, because without “the person” all that thought time rests in the inadequate self and menial activities versus a stimulating connection with another human. The fact is, loneliness is the wrong motivation for a spouse entirely. A spouse shouldn’t be there to pacify loneliness or act as a security blanket. A spouse is there to be a partner in life, working with their partner in unison to accomplish life’s goals together in all quadrants (health, spirituality, intellect and community). Satisfying the desire for a romantic touch or gesture does not satisfy all the quadrants essential for an “ideal” marriage relationship to thrive in the hard-cold world and the quadrant grid must be firmly drawn on character lines of course.

Somehow inspired by roses, meeting of the minds and hearts is a fantasy that occupies daydreams of marriage in divorce loneliness.

Divorce loneliness longs to watch a relationship fantasy launch with only a look making sparks fly after decades of familiarity. A mere touch of the hand gives support that could be compared to the engineering stability of the Golden Gate Bridge. Some words of encouragement that sustain like a 4-course meal. A thoughtful act which warms your soul even when the outside temperature is below freezing. After all this, chemistry collides with bodies, and the groundwork is laid for a heavenly intimate experience only possible because God designed it. Does this exist for some marriages? It must or I am a hopeless romantic! This has to be the definition of finding the one and only (the peanut butter to your jelly, the lock to your key, the cookie for your filling, etc.)

What destroys the love fantasy experienced above? When people turn into Jekyll and Hyde or emotions flare-up with no resolution or acknowledgement from the unresponsive spouse (this is divorce loneliness while married – unmet emotional needs and a lack of communication); however, a validating spouse loves the other through these turbulent moments like giving a rose to someone who is crying. They do not make things worse with manipulative reaction abuse to somehow get the perceived upper hand in the situation. In the imaginary romantic world of marriage, those tough hard times should create deeper intimacy and love, because that’s the outcome when disagreements turn into compromises and roses are given instead of ridicule. When marriage becomes a dictatorship or bulldozer with no resolution, the connection starts flickering slowly, oh so dreadfully slowly.

Connection with life is flickering slowly with this quarantine too. It feels like a dying marriage lately. The pervasive Coronavirus has infected everything not just human bodies; marriage, divorce, family life, children, etc. Going to the grocery store is one place where there should be life; however instead, life is flickering. Everyone has a mask on, everyone maintains some distance, and no one is making pleasant conversation or meaningful eye contact. Now everyone gets to experience the courthouse at the grocery store. Even the happy couples are distant. One man suggested to his wife, “do you want some roses?” and her answer was “no, I don’t think we need them.” The words fell like a great weight to the bottom of his heart. Couldn’t she have said, “what a lovely idea dear;” “roses sure would brighten the mood;” “roses smell so good, OK”?

They are simply roses and the lady could not make the leap, to “yes.” The quarantine made her response 10x drearier than any other day though, because it was mechanical and a rose is a symbol of life, love and happiness – something that everyone desires right now with this quarantine. Divorce loneliness is better with roses than without. I wish I could share my roses with him now and reverse the mechanical damage. What a difference a correct response makes in creating love for the one you call LOVE. Dreaming of marriage in divorce loneliness is a reality check, the desire for marriage is still there, but loneliness cannot be the main reason. Look for that special someone that says, I understand you’re lonely, here’s a rose.

Marrying A Military Man Is A Risk

Something needs to be done about family education in society and the military. Every immediate family member that is exposed to military personnel with traumatic experiences in their history is at risk for abuse. The government is taking no responsibility, the military branch is taking no responsibility and schools are taking no responsibility. This is not only a PTSD issue, this is a human issue. It is a lack of concern for another human being from the start of their military service. It begins when young men/women are recruited, it continues when they are serving their country and it continues still when they come home and try to integrate back into civilian life. Family law profits off this discord that military service cultivates in families. It is a chain reaction and I wish I knew about it before I got married.

Before you start a relationship know the history of the person you are marrying, because as I have experienced, it can come back to haunt you especially if abuse was not acknowledged and/or identified in the nuclear family that served in the military. Even a person who wasn’t in the military, but exposed to military parents can suffer in adulthood. Be fully aware of the indicators by asking a few questions:

1. Did siblings have any developmental issues growing up or unusual behavior?

2. Has the family faced any government authority before?

3. What is the history of the parents and their experiences?

Only recently have people become more acquainted with PTSD. I have heard that admitting any mental flaw or struggle in the military can set the person up for failure instead of success, this was especially true I assume in the 1970s after the Vietnam war which lasted from 1955 to 1975. See History.com for more on the Vietnam War timeline. Soldiers who served in Iraq from 2003 – 2011 will hopefully have a better chance now that counseling is becoming more accepted.

Counseling should be mandatory for every military person that has served during wartime or who has been exposed to someone who has served during wartime. When these courageous men and women come home they need support and their families need emotional support, not for a year for the life of the retired soldier. Every person is impacted by their overseas and wartime experiences whether it is acknowledged or not.

Signs to look out for if your spouse is triggered:

1. Nightmares

2. Sudden change in character

3. Sudden change in friends

4. Withdrawing and/or stonewalling

5. Increase in alcohol consumption or marijuana use

6. Strange behavior with children and/or defensiveness

7. Absent and/or not coming home

8. Mood swings

9. Depression

10. Gas-lighting

Note: I am not a psychologist or therapist. Signs are purely from experience and online research.

The person who divorced me did not want to own up to the trigger list. He preferred to keep everything buried and locked away (similar to his parents who are still married to this day). He divorced me, because I was not afraid to point out the abuse that was festering and for some reason he couldn’t make it stop. He would try on his own, but then fall right back into the same patterns. The abuse to this day remains cyclical. He divorced me to save face and protect himself from jail, so far his strategy has worked.

Confronting a jaded past is difficult for anyone, confronting the past when there is abuse is almost impossible unless the person who was abused is strong enough to face it and heal; however, if you have children you must stand up for what is right and stop the crazy cycle. I made the mistake of confronting him before recording the behavior on tape or video. Do not make my same mistake if there is abuse in your home get it on video. Turning a blind eye is not what is best for your family. Do what you can to educate yourself on abuse and raising a family with the right parenting style, an authoritative approach from both parents. Remember, marrying into a military family is a risk especially if someone served during wartime; please understand the possible consequences.

3 Ways to Rise Above Abuse in Relationships, Divorce & Childhood

Abuse is probably more accurately described as the human condition. Relationships and divorce act as catalysts that make the abuse remnants bubble to the surface. People that go through a divorce face the flawed human condition head on. These interactions are cyclical. Past child abuse in whatever the form impacts the developing brain and as adults without mindfulness spills over into all relationships especially those who are close to us. It’s imperative that we ALL rise above relationship abuse, divorce abuse and child abuse.

Rising above something that is difficult to identify personally or something that usually is an involuntary response to environmental stressors is almost impossible to do without help. The brain is one of the most complex organs in the human body and brain surgeons are still stumped by most of its functioning. Do not under estimate the power of awareness; the ability to redirect thought processes, and reprogramming learned (subconscious or conscious) behavior. Eventually everyone is affected by abuse indirectly or directly; know how to help someone when they need help and know how to help yourself. The first step in helping everyone with abuse is acknowledging there is a problem and having the willingness to work together to address the problem (if you are facing life threatening abuse call 911 immediately and extract yourself from the situation). Leave the blame game at the door, shed the negativity jacket and take off your angry shoes. Listen. Talk slowly. Allow others’ input without feeling their input is a put-down or a disrespectful interruption. Rising above is absolutely critical if you are a parent.

Everyone needs to acknowledge there is a problem. Avoiding a problem makes the problem worse. Avoiding a problem seems easier on the surface; however realistically avoidance leads to more dysfunction – the relief you get by avoiding is a lie and only temporary. If avoidance is used as a solution, the problem will manifest itself in a multitude of ways down the road.
Everyone needs to take RESPONSIBILITY. If you have not been abused directly, you will eventually come across and interact with someone who has been abused. If you have been abused directly you will have triggers that bring up past experiences that impact your present relationships. DO NOT LET YOUR PAST control your present (easier said than done). People that have not been abused directly have a responsibility to everyone in their lives to rise above and lead by example. It is your job to be COMPASSIONATE. It is your job to LISTEN. It is your job to CREATE A SAFE PLACE for interaction. People that have been abused, may not remember their past or why they feel the way they do in certain situations.
Everyone needs to check their emotions. Everyone has moments of weakness. It is critical to stop the cycle of abuse by being present and recognize when these moments are unfolding.
- Are you unusually irritable?
- Are you experiencing level 10 anger?
- Are you abnormally tired?
- Do you have a short fuse?
- Do you flinch when certain things happen?

If you or someone articulates they are struggling in the above areas and you recognize it and/or hear them say it, STOP and LISTEN. Neutralize the situation by being calm and sympathetic. Reacting appropriately in these situations creates stronger relationships.

Practicing the 3 ways to rise above abuse in your personal life will break old patterns and restore equilibrium. If you are a parent have your children practice these as well, so they can react appropriately. In some cases, abuse may be extreme and these 3 ways to help will not be enough in your circumstances, do not pacify your situation or explain your situation away. Reach out for help from your local community. Do not isolate yourself from others. Do not only reach out to one person. One person will not have all the answers and it is good to have support in all areas of your life. End the crazy cycle of abuse, you will be a trailblazer in a world where everyone typically lives for themselves, rise above abuse in ALL relationships by acknowledging the problem, taking responsibility and checking your emotions.

I have two children and I’m facing this Wild West court system alone. If you read or get ideas from my original content please donate any amount on PayPal and send money to info@fyidivorce.com.

Thanks for supporting an unbiased divorce opinion blog at FYIDivorce.com

Hard Divorce Fact: It’s not Easy & It’s Brutal for Children

There are countless resources that falsely explain that divorce can be better for the children, because the children won’t be exposed to as much conflict or the children will be shielded from the parental relationship problems or co-parenting strategies minimize the effects of divorce for children. Yada, yada, yada. The ONLY scenario where it’s better for the children is when there is abuse; however if there is no probable cause against the perpetrator, there’s no guarantee of protection.

Relationships are not easy. A divorce relationship with children is probably one of the most difficult relationships that exist. Not only did the divorce happen in a public forum, family court, but the children are unknowingly catapulted into a world that’s ready to feast on their every vulnerability from the experience. The person that files for divorce does not have this insight beforehand, because the person that files is thinking only about their own circumstances and how the divorce will be an instant solution to whatever is going on in their relationship. There are countless resources that falsely explain that divorce can be better for the children, because the children won’t be exposed to as much conflict or the children will be shielded from the parental relationship problems or co-parenting strategies minimize the effects of divorce for children. Yada, yada, yada. The ONLY scenario where it’s better for the children is when there is abuse; however if there is no probable cause against the perpetrator, there’s no guarantee of protection. Any other excuse for the divorce being better for the children comes from rationalization which softens the blow of truth.

It’s a fact, relationships aren’t easy. The people who’ve mastered relationships are good at recovery. The people that have broken relationships struggle to master recovery. Any relationship without some level of conflict isn’t an example of a real relationship with real people. Every person that starts a relationship has a point of reference. Often the point of reference can get lost if you track the point of reference back to childhood. When people experience extreme circumstances they often block it out; who wants to be reminded of bad memories? Human brains don’t, at least not intentionally. In some cases this blocking of memories is defined by psychologists as Dis-associative Amnesia. These bad memories shape how you operate under stress and how you relate to others. When you divorce with children, you are placing them into this dangerous arena. Their brains are chemically changed during a divorce, because they are forced to experience ADULT emotions and deal with ADULT problems. Divorce emotions are a thing to be reckoned with as ADULTS; most ADULTS can’t handle the emotions much less children.

It’s a fact, by divorcing you’re making it that much harder for your children to navigate relationships, plus facilitating a number of side effects. Children that grew up with parents that kept things behind closed doors struggle immensely with conflict resolution as adults. Children in a divorce struggle with the same thing! Children learn by watching, hearing and experiencing. Stripping your children of your relationship takes this opportunity away from them and maybe they will eventually see healthy conflict resolution if someone remarries and STAYS MARRIED; however, the statistics don’t look good for second marriages.

It’s a fact, there is NO WAY to shelter your kids from the divorce storm. There are helpful resources like counseling, communication strategies and so on; however these are no substitute for a loving relationship between the people that your children love the most – you and your spouse. Finding a good qualified counselor is critical. If you don’t see results from going to counseling within the first month, find someone else. Find a counselor that is educated in the Gottman principles of relationships. If you’re considering divorce, but haven’t taken the plunge; please consider counseling. Take it seriously. Act as though the counseling is the next step in a business deal, career advancement, self-actualization discovery, living life to the fullest, whatever it may be. Be an active participant, instead of a spectator – you won’t regret it.

I have two children and I’m facing this Wild West court system alone. If you read or get ideas from my original content please donate any amount on PayPal and send money to info@fyidivorce.com.

Thanks for supporting an unbiased divorce opinion blog at FYIDivorce.com