3 Ways to Rise Above Abuse in Relationships, Divorce & Childhood

Abuse is probably more accurately described as the human condition.  Relationships and divorce act as catalysts that make the abuse remnants bubble to the surface.  People that go through a divorce face the flawed human condition head on.  These interactions are cyclical.  Past child abuse in whatever the form impacts the developing brain and as adults without mindfulness spills over into all relationships especially those who are close to us.  It’s imperative that we ALL rise above relationship abuse, divorce abuse and child abuse.

Rising above something that is difficult to identify personally or something that usually is an involuntary response to environmental stressors is almost impossible to do without help.  The brain is one of the most complex organs in the human body and brain surgeons are still stumped by most of its functioning.  Do not under estimate the power of awareness; the ability to redirect thought processes, and reprogramming learned (subconscious or conscious) behavior.  Eventually everyone is affected by abuse indirectly or directly; know how to help someone when they need help and know how to help yourself.  The first step in helping everyone with abuse is acknowledging there is a problem and having the willingness to work together to address the problem (if you are facing life threatening abuse call 911 immediately and extract yourself from the situation).  Leave the blame game at the door, shed the negativity jacket and take off your angry shoes.  Listen.  Talk slowly.  Allow others’ input without feeling their input is a put-down or a disrespectful interruption.  Rising above is absolutely critical if you are a parent.

  1. Everyone needs to acknowledge there is a problem. Avoiding a problem makes the problem worse.  Avoiding a problem seems easier on the surface; however realistically avoidance leads to more dysfunction – the relief you get by avoiding is a lie and only temporary.  If avoidance is used as a solution, the problem will manifest itself in a multitude of ways down the road.
  2. Everyone needs to take RESPONSIBILITY. If you have not been abused directly, you will eventually come across and interact with someone who has been abused.  If you have been abused directly you will have triggers that bring up past experiences that impact your present relationships.  DO NOT LET YOUR PAST control your present (easier said than done).  People that have not been abused directly have a responsibility to everyone in their lives to rise above and lead by example.  It is your job to be COMPASSIONATE.  It is your job to LISTEN.  It is your job to CREATE A SAFE PLACE for interaction.  People that have been abused, may not remember their past or why they feel the way they do in certain situations.
  3. Everyone needs to check their emotions. Everyone has moments of weakness.  It is critical to stop the cycle of abuse by being present and recognize when these moments are unfolding.
    • Are you unusually irritable?
    • Are you experiencing level 10 anger?
    • Are you abnormally tired?
    • Do you have a short fuse?
    • Do you flinch when certain things happen?

If you or someone articulates they are struggling in the above areas and you recognize it and/or hear them say it, STOP and LISTEN.  Neutralize the situation by being calm and sympathetic.  Reacting appropriately in these situations creates stronger relationships.

Practicing the 3 ways to rise above abuse in your personal life will break old patterns and restore equilibrium.  If you are a parent have your children practice these as well, so they can react appropriately.  In some cases, abuse may be extreme and these 3 ways to help will not be enough in your circumstances, do not pacify your situation or explain your situation away.  Reach out for help from your local community.  Do not isolate yourself from others.  Do not only reach out to one person.  One person will not have all the answers and it is good to have support in all areas of your life.  End the crazy cycle of abuse, you will be a trailblazer in a world where everyone typically lives for themselves, rise above abuse in ALL relationships by acknowledging the problem, taking responsibility and checking your emotions.

I have two children and I’m facing this Wild West court system alone.  If you read or get ideas from my original content please donate any amount on PayPal and send money to info@fyidivorce.com.

Thanks for supporting an unbiased divorce opinion blog at FYIDivorce.com

Hard Divorce Fact: It’s not Easy & It’s Brutal for Children

There are countless resources that falsely explain that divorce can be better for the children, because the children won’t be exposed to as much conflict or the children will be shielded from the parental relationship problems or co-parenting strategies minimize the effects of divorce for children. Yada, yada, yada. The ONLY scenario where it’s better for the children is when there is abuse; however if there is no probable cause against the perpetrator, there’s no guarantee of protection.

Relationships are not easy.  A divorce relationship with children is probably one of the most difficult relationships that exist.  Not only did the divorce happen in a public forum, family court, but the children are unknowingly catapulted into a world that’s ready to feast on their every vulnerability from the experience.  The person that files for divorce does not have this insight beforehand, because the person that files is thinking only about their own circumstances and how the divorce will be an instant solution to whatever is going on in their relationship.  There are countless resources that falsely explain that divorce can be better for the children, because the children won’t be exposed to as much conflict or the children will be shielded from the parental relationship problems or co-parenting strategies minimize the effects of divorce for children.  Yada, yada, yada. The ONLY scenario where it’s better for the children is when there is abuse; however if there is no probable cause against the perpetrator, there’s no guarantee of protection.   Any other excuse for the divorce being better for the children comes from rationalization which softens the blow of truth.

It’s a fact, relationships aren’t easy.  The people who’ve mastered relationships are good at recovery.  The people that have broken relationships struggle to master recovery. Any relationship without some level of conflict isn’t an example of a real relationship with real people.  Every person that starts a relationship has a point of reference.  Often the point of reference can get lost if you track the point of reference back to childhood.  When people experience extreme circumstances they often block it out; who wants to be reminded of bad memories?  Human brains don’t, at least not intentionally.  In some cases this blocking of memories is defined by psychologists as Dis-associative Amnesia.  These bad memories shape how you operate under stress and how you relate to others.  When you divorce with children, you are placing them into this dangerous arena.  Their brains are chemically changed during a divorce, because they are forced to experience ADULT emotions and deal with ADULT problems.  Divorce emotions are a thing to be reckoned with as ADULTS; most ADULTS can’t handle the emotions much less children.

It’s a fact, by divorcing you’re making it that much harder for your children to navigate relationships, plus facilitating a number of side effects.  Children that grew up with parents that kept things behind closed doors struggle immensely with conflict resolution as adults.  Children in a divorce struggle with the same thing!  Children learn by watching, hearing and experiencing.  Stripping your children of your relationship takes this opportunity away from them and maybe they will eventually see healthy conflict resolution if someone remarries and STAYS MARRIED; however, the statistics don’t look good for second marriages.

It’s a fact, there is NO WAY to shelter your kids from the divorce storm.  There are helpful resources like counseling, communication strategies and so on; however these are no substitute for a loving relationship between the people that your children love the most – you and your spouse.  Finding a good qualified counselor is critical.  If you don’t see results from going to counseling within the first month, find someone else.  Find a counselor that is educated in the Gottman principles of relationships. If you’re considering divorce, but haven’t taken the plunge; please consider counseling.  Take it seriously.  Act as though the counseling is the next step in a business deal, career advancement, self-actualization discovery, living life to the fullest, whatever it may be.  Be an active participant, instead of a spectator – you won’t regret it.

I have two children and I’m facing this Wild West court system alone.  If you read or get ideas from my original content please donate any amount on PayPal and send money to info@fyidivorce.com.

Thanks for supporting an unbiased divorce opinion blog at FYIDivorce.com