Tag: want divorce

Considering Divorce From Losing Love Feelings?

Considering divorce during a pandemic is not unusual.  Listen though, following-through with divorce this year is problematic especially if you have children.  Both marriage and divorce change the fabric of your life.  This pandemic IS NOT life; it’s been dreary to say the least.  This pandemic has been a life altering challenge for everyone.  Divorce is not a cheerful experience that will be the magic solution to your happiness – insulting your intelligence is not my goal here, my goal is to get you to stop and wait since the circumstances are unusual.  If your relationship is abusive you obviously cannot wait to separate; however, if the “love feelings” have disappeared and you feel like your spouse is just a “roommate” that excuse is not good enough.  See more about roommate syndrome from Nate Bagley (he has an interesting take on it).

“Losing those love feelings” doesn’t cut it and here’s why:

  1. After seven years or less of togetherness those “love” feelings simmer (the impossible to avoid feelings during the “in-love” phase) when your stomach turns upside down when you see your spouse glance at you from across the room; those passion-filled nights you look forward to after a grueling day at work; or maybe the flirtatious banter that always passed back and forth between you from the time your eyes locked.  You CAN GET THOSE FEELINGS back.  Losing these feelings doesn’t have to be permanent.  It just takes a little work and rewiring habits to feel that unbelievable connection that drew you together in the first place.  Can you do the work…?  THAT IS THE ULTIMATE QUESTION.
  2. If you have children “losing those love feelings” is part of the parenting package.  No one told you?  Well, now you know.  Children have an uncanny ability to redirect either spouses’ attention and when this happens the opportunity to follow-through with a bid of affection decreases.  Parents MUST be intentional with their time.  It’s hard these days.  Our phones (love interference) and life’s responsibilities weigh on the family heavily. “Losing those love feelings” when you have children is a natural progression.  Please please please don’t divorce when you have young children.  As in #1, you can restore what you have lost, but it does take WORK.  Your marriage and your spouse and your family are worth it!  Do the work and you will not regret it.
  3. Divorce impacts more than just you.  Divorce has a ripple effect that stretches further than your family tree.  Don’t believe me?  Friends will divorce you, extended family will be alienated and if you have children, their lives are forever changed afterwards.  The benefits do not outweigh the consequences.  This is the time to think about the big picture and not just your little self.  Salvage your marriage now, it can be done.  You guessed it; it just takes WORK.  Work that eventually becomes habit and fades into renewed love feelings that flow naturally without a second thought.

Thank you in advance for taking the time to reconsider divorce. You count. Your spouse counts. Your family counts. Don’t discount all the value your family holds in your life. Considering divorce at this very moment over “losing those love feelings” is a thought you need to discard immediately. Whatever is creating a rift between you and your spouse; address it, don’t avoid it. Put in the work that is required to reconnect those wires that were sparking uncontrollably when you tied the marriage knot. It’s time to get to work on your marriage relationship; it’s NOT the time to be considering divorce.

Considering Divorce? Read this first!

Circling back through the divorce memories, reveals how unbelievable it truly is.  Divorce is an unknown entity by practically half the population.  Every divorce is unique and every divorce shatters relationships like removing a glass card from the glass house of cards.  If people knew better, they would divorce online, or they would use mediation.  Litigation requires deep pockets and although it looks official to the untrained eye; it is a theatrical play of attorneys playing puppeteer.  In fact, it could be described as the ultimate revenge tool.  Not only is it a revenge tool used by angry spouses, but it most likely is a revenge tool used by rich people as well, people who are not even directly involved in the relationship (this trajectory could develop into a story all on its own).  Oh, the tangled web just keeps getting more complicated.  Only certain people decide to litigate.

People who file for divorce and choose the litigation route can be defined as the following:

1. They have no idea what they are doing or they know the system intimately and choose to use the system for its many pain inflicting levers

2. They want their way no matter what

3. They are impulsive

4. They lack compassion

5. They have secrets they want to protect

6. They are not communicators

7. They do not care about the best interests of the children

8. They will be manipulated by the system whether they know it or not

9. They will use the system to punish their spouse

10. They will try to use every tactic they can to screw over the other spouse, to the extent of submitting false coerced testimony

Understanding divorce is somewhat corrupting in nature.  Innocence and ignorance is a blissful state that has long since died by going through the divorce process (which actually starts the moment the petitioner starts talking with attorneys) – consumers beware.  It is disheartening that the American government does not value its citizens enough to modify and/or do away with the litigation system that is in place.

If you have a heart, do not litigate.

If you have a soul, go to counseling consistently for at least 6 months (don’t settle on a counselor that only one of you likes, find one that is a good fit for both of you).

If you must divorce, do your research and put your broken family first as much as possible.