Considering Divorce? Read this first!

Circling back through the divorce memories, reveals how unbelievable it truly is.  Divorce is an unknown entity by practically half the population.  Every divorce is unique and every divorce shatters relationships like removing a glass card from the glass house of cards.  If people knew better, they would divorce online, or they would use mediationLitigation requires deep pockets and although it looks official to the untrained eye; it is a theatrical play of attorneys playing puppeteer.  In fact, it could be described as the ultimate revenge tool.  Not only is it a revenge tool used by angry spouses, but it most likely is a revenge tool used by rich people as well, people who are not even directly involved in the relationship (this trajectory could develop into a story all on its own).  Oh, the tangled web just keeps getting more complicated.  Only certain people decide to litigate.

People who file for divorce and choose the litigation route can be defined as the following:

1. They have no idea what they are doing or they know the system intimately and choose to use the system for its many pain inflicting levers

2. They want their way no matter what

3. They are impulsive

4. They lack compassion

5. They have secrets they want to protect

6. They are not communicators

7. They do not care about the best interests of the children

8. They will be manipulated by the system whether they know it or not

9. They will use the system to punish their spouse

10. They will try to use every tactic they can to screw over the other spouse, to the extent of submitting false coerced testimony

Understanding divorce is somewhat corrupting in nature.  Innocence and ignorance is a blissful state that has long since died by going through the divorce process (which actually starts the moment the petitioner starts talking with attorneys) – consumers beware.  It is disheartening that the American government does not value its citizens enough to modify and/or do away with the litigation system that is in place.

If you have a heart, do not litigate.

If you have a soul, go to counseling consistently for at least 6 months (don’t settle on a counselor that only one of you likes, find one that is a good fit for both of you).

If you must divorce, do your research and put your broken family first as much as possible.

Financial Discovery in Divorce – 5 Questions to Ask

It’s been so long since discovering evidence that the petitioner had at least one hidden account; almost a year ago now.  After being forced to sell my home with an affordable mortgage (more affordable than rent), I lost my footing.  Everything had a place, and everything was in its place before the move.  After the move, not so much. Because I had to figure things out in 15 days, while caring for two young children and trying to achieve some form of normalcy during the holidays I inadvertently selected movers from a sponsored search ad on Google.  The movers were good at first; however, as the day wore on it became very evident I chose the wrong company.  The end result was chaos and important things went missing.

One important thing that went missing was financial documentation; several bank statements from 4 years ago show transfers between unidentified accounts, accounts the petitioner never identified in his financial disclosure to the court and myself.  (It was no easy task obtaining those statements!  Navy Federal shows partiality to the person who served in the military, so I went to several different branches).  I asked and I asked and I asked for the account numbers to no avail from the bank and petitioner.  Petitioner gave me every excuse in the book of excuses and the bank played dumb.  Once again, having to deal with this lying person that I loved once and other people enabling him in his lying.  Exasperating to say the least! In multiple declarations the mystery account was spoken of; however, going Pro Se or Pro Per means no one cares for the truth if you are unrepresented.  No financial discovery was made at the time.

Before the divorce, our family income was stable and high compared to Census Bureau numbers.  After reflecting on the possible balance of that account today after finding good information on how to perform financial discovery, this is the first time admitting defeat sounds good.  Letting it go must be the best decision.  Over 2 years of petitioner siphoning money there is no possible way the balance of that mystery account is more than $50,000.  Asking these questions helped the decision process:

1. Will opposing counsel or petitioner cooperate without litigation?

2. Do I want further litigation in my case?

3. Is this mystery account worth all the stress that comes from contacting opposing counsel?

4. Will recovering the money give me any satisfaction?

5. Do I need the money to survive?

The answer to all the above questions in my situation is a resounding “NO!”

Decision made.

White flag raised.

It is finished.

No financial discovery needed.

The Depression Cloud of Divorce – Coping During the Holidays

When you have been the one to create holiday traditions in your family and then all the sudden you are forced to be without your children, holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas are not met with the same enthusiasm as previous years.  It is just a fact of life, especially if you are newly divorced.  Difficulty dealing with the situation does not end, but becomes increasingly challenging when the other parent decides to violate the custody arrangement or even worse decides to take the kids during the holidays for an extended period despite communicating that you have plans.  Forget jungle emotions, be ready for an entirely new emotional shift.

This shift is called the depression cloud of divorce and it settles in as you near the end of your divorce case.  There has been so much hurt and pain leading up to finalization, by the time you reach the end you are completely numb from head to toe (which occurs from a high conflict divorce like mine).  Suffering is hard.  Suffering without cause is even harder.  The person that you once treasured has squandered your love and treated you like garbage for a lengthy period.  It happened many times before the divorce; however, when you are a forgiving person you bounce back, and the marriage commitment keeps you grounded.  If that’s you, you have a high tolerance for pain like me.  When you have a hard heart, you file for divorce which was said in scripture way before my time.  God’s word is the only book that acts as a remedy to the human condition.

There is no way to cope during the holidays, that’s the hard truth.

You must face the pain and endure.

You must recognize the cloud of divorce, so it doesn’t consume you.

You must persevere.

The only way that you can keep things straight is relying on the truth of God’s word.

People are going to disappoint.  All people are flawed. You cannot rely on people.  People are just a vapor.  Accomplishments by people die with them.  Inventions by people get used and possibly warped by others after you’re gone.  Every hurt inflicted by people on others reflects their heart condition and it is imperative that you do not give them control over you by accepting the blame, because they need a scapegoat.

Take one day at a time.

* Breathe in and out.

* Be ready for the next wave.

The depression cloud of divorce during the holidays is unavoidable and different for every person.  There is nothing that you can tell someone that will suddenly lift the depression cloud.  Some will not recognize they are in the cloud until it is too late.  Others will see it for what it is and still others may keep the cloud around for a very long time, because that is what they are comfortable with.  Change is difficult in either direction.  Feigned optimism during depression is also an option – DON’T DO THIS – YOU’LL MISS THE POINT OF YOUR PAIN.  Coping during the holidays is something that people will say to gloss over the grave situation that is faced by split, separated or divorced people during a time that should be filled with happy memories.  Do not cope.  Face the pain and endure.  Recognize the cloud of divorce, so it doesn’t consume you.  Persevere.  Take one day at a time.  Breathe.  Life is a vapor and the divorce cloud is not forever, be ready for the next wave.  The holidays are almost over.

I have two children and I’m facing this Wild West court system alone.  If you read or get ideas from my original content please donate any amount on PayPal and send money to info@fyidivorce.com.

Thanks for supporting an unbiased divorce opinion blog at FYIDivorce.com

Rethinking Petitioner versus Respondent in Divorce

The Divorce is not always a drawn-out costly process like the documentary Divorce Corp explains.  However, in some cases when you have a Jekyll Hyde estranged spouse a long divorce is inevitable especially if the petitioner selects litigation over mediation, this is my situation.  Whoever files for divorce has more control over the process. In a previous post, Petitioner or Respondent?, respondent is the ultimate choice from my perspective because there’s a personal hedge of protection mentally and you relinquish control to the controlling spouse minimizing potential abuse (the respondent is more optimistic and thinks counseling could solve the issues); however, if the marriage involves a Jekyll Hyde spouse, the divorce is going to take a very long time and the court system becomes the abuse tool (the court does not come close to the actual abuse, but it is abuse nonetheless).  Jekyll Hyde people cannot decide because of their dual mental state.  Divorce requires a decision maker, which is why I’m rethinking petitioner versus respondent.  Consider the following points when deciding to be the petitioner or respondent:

  1. Identify the pitfalls of your marriage that have led you down the divorce thought path. Are they situations that you can recover from?  Have you had consistent counseling?  Do you still have good memories from the past?  Did a major life event change your love for your spouse?
  2. Identify your pressure level (use a scale 1 – 10). Do you work great under pressure?  How do you know you work great under pressure, have you been tested at work or in your family?  Can you rise above the reactions of your spouse if they respond with venom from the action of divorce or the process?
  3. Identify your spouse. How is your spouse going to handle the pressure?  Do they understand their emotions or ignore them?  If they ignore them, filing before they do by mediation could be your answer.  Is the divorce feeling mutual?  Do you have children together that will be impacted by the divorce?  How will your spouse handle co-parenting?  Has your love for your spouse changed because of an outside factor that’s been impacting your spouse making your spouse behave differently?

Assets and children make divorce extremely difficult, sprinkle the relationship with major adversity such as abuse and it is 10x more difficult.  Abuse can include anything from verbal, emotional, financial, physical, sexual and neglectful actions toward each other or one spouse during the marriage and during the divorce.  If one of the pitfalls of your marriage is: we are just not communicating.  It is probably not a pitfall, but a challenge area that can be worked on and eliminated.  If one of the pitfalls is infidelity: this is a difficult pitfall to recover from, because the one that cheated for whatever reason destroyed trust and must be invested in rebuilding trust for the relationship to survive.  Rebuilding trust takes work.  If your spouse is remorseful and ended the affair immediately after you discovered it, you may want to wait to divorce to figure out if forgiveness could improve your relationship.  Do not be hasty with a divorce decision.

Another factor to consider is your pressure level.  Do you buckle when the going gets tough or do you gain strength from facing challenge?  Divorce will test everything about your personality and it will also measure how you cope with the emotional roller-coaster that accompanies divorce especially if you go the litigation route which I highly dissuade you of pursuing.

People who petition for divorce are usually the former rather than the latter.  Deciding to divorce eliminates ALL responsibility immediately.  The initial pressure of the relationship is lifted.  Divorce appears to be the easy-way out instead of facing the problems that started the conflict in the first place.  If you are a decision maker and the other person is challenged in the decision department, you should probably consider being the petitioner; however, only if you are high functioning under pressure.  Try to limit attorney involvement as much as possible.

Attorneys add to the pressure, they do not relieve it.  Financial strain increases when you have an attorney and an attorney is skilled at rhetoric, so if they need the business they will keep the tab open and file frivolous motions which adds more stress to an already stressful situation, another drawback of litigation.  A divorce will test your pressure level.  If you have little tolerance when it comes to pressure respondent; try to salvage your marriage as much as possible, and do not divorce!  Divorce is ugly and grueling.  If there’s no abuse, I am a huge proponent of salvaging your marriage and working out the kinks.  It is possible.  I have seen it happen.  Be sure to identify the pitfalls of your marriage by asking if it is salvageable, identify your pressure level and carefully assess how the other person will function in the divorce environment before you file and become the petitioner.

I have two children and I’m facing this Wild West court system alone.  If you read or get ideas from my original content please donate any amount on PayPal and send money to info@fyidivorce.com.

Thanks for supporting an unbiased divorce opinion blog at FYIDivorce.com

The Ex Parte – 3 Lessons Learned from Divorce Court

In the beginning of the divorce, there were many incidents that triggered a fight or flight response in me which made me think it was an emergency.  For example, there was a temporary restraining order in place for a real emergency and a few days after (I don’t even know what to call him – Nameless) came knocking on my door and threatened to come in.  One day after church, Nameless broke into the residence by locksmith and took valuable items.  I called the police and filed an Ex Parte, because I felt violated.  Even though Nameless defied the restraining order, nothing happened for his violation.  It was an out of body experience.  All this was unfolding before my eyes and I just watched in disbelief.  Nameless attempted to break in several times after the theft by using a locksmith again, the court did nothing about it.  Nameless still had his license with the home address clearly displayed, so the locksmith had no idea that Nameless had no right to enter the home (one time I was home and opened the door on them – I was shielded by the storm door).  Both Nameless and the locksmith scampered away in embarrassment.  Nameless is really good at covering up his emotions when others are present.  I was really glad the locksmith was there to act as a witness.

In my naivety, I did not file a contempt hearing because I thought the violation was self-explanatory, there was a police report and if orders are broken I thought it was in direct rebellion against the court.  DUMB.  I did not have an attorney, so it did not matter.  In hindsight, if I had filed contempt it probably would not have mattered anyway, because I did not have an attorney.

1st Family Law Lesson: Divorce court does not operate according to what is right and wrong.  They assume everyone is lying and the court processes are leveraged to lengthen decisions as much as possible.

I did not hire an attorney, because I do not make enough money to hire an attorney.  Did I want an attorney?  Yes.  Did I interview attorneys to find one that I could afford?  Yes.  Did I find a great attorney?  Yes.  Did I hire her? No, because her retainer started at $10k upfront.  Did I eventually hire an attorney?  Yes.  Could I afford the cheap attorney that I hired? No.

2nd Family Law Lesson: Good attorneys like to win, if they cannot win they will not accept your case if they are ethical attorneys.  What is an attorney’s definition of winning?  Best asset division, best custody arrangement and deep pockets.

When I hired an attorney, there were zero Ex Parte hearings, mostly because my attorney advised against it, not because there was not a valid reason.  Luckily the attorney I did hire was somewhat ethical and he understood from reading the paperwork my position in the case.  Did I have to eventually self-represent anyway? Resounding YES!

3rd Family Law Lesson:  Once you have an attorney, you must use your attorney – NO EXCEPTIONS.  This rule makes it difficult for the average person to keep an attorney for very long, because the attorney must attend every hearing ($$$).  Plus, if you think the judge needs to hear or be alerted to something important, the attorney must file the paperwork for you (if the attorney doesn’t want to file the paperwork or has another pressing case the attorney will advise against it).

Nameless recently had his attorney file an Ex Parte.  It was not a valid Ex Parte reason; however, Nameless somehow got the ‘Granted’ checkbox checked.  I did not take my own advice from 6 Things A Divorce Attorney Won’t Tell You.  The Ex Parte is full of lessons for the one going pro se.  Remember, Lesson #1 Right & wrong do not matter in divorce court; Lesson #2 Good attorneys like to win; and, Lesson #3 Once you hire an attorney you must use your attorney.  Family law is the Wild West, do not expect anything from a broken system without checks & balances in place.

I have two children and I’m facing this Wild West court system alone.  If you read or get ideas from my original content please donate any amount on PayPal and send money to info@fyidivorce.com.

Thanks for supporting an unbiased divorce opinion blog at FYIDivorce.com

Getting Divorced? Avoid Court or Wear a Gas Mask.

Family Law is truly the black eye of America.  It is a system created by lawyers to leverage domestic disputes for their advantage.  There is no one to hold the judge accountable for the judgments.  If both sides have lawyers or attorneys, they will consume all marital assets.  Their tactics, rhetoric and treatment requires a gas mask.  If you go pro se while the other person is abusive in nature, that person will use up almost all marital assets.  No matter what is done, if the relationship ends because one person is abusive and that person has enough funds to hire an attorney – that person will get their way no matter what.  When one person will not compromise and it is the same person that has filed and/or paid the most money while the other person is responsible by not spending beyond their means, one mistake going pro se will ALWAYS benefit the other person if there is no criminal record or criminal activity.

It is uncertain if things would be different if attorney representation was equal on both sides for my case.

Having an attorney secured financial support in my situation; however, that same attorney allowed the judge to impute income and administer below guideline child support.  Going pro se, the financial support may have been even less.  Shocked?!  It does not faze me anymore.

The only benefit of my current situation is that the abuser is in no way going to be awarded the marital home.

Through all this utter turmoil experienced, there is a silver lining.  There is no way that I will be forced to live under the same roof as the abuser.  Usually the abuser does not file for divorce, in my case the abuser did.  The abuser likes to maintain control and control is impossible without the victim under their watch usually; however, in my case, the abuser was a white-collar male who feared going to jail, because I would not turn a blind eye to his actions behind closed doors.  One time the abuser said to me, if you do not send out the Christmas cards, I will divorce you.  The following year he filed for divorce, but it was not over Christmas cards.

Hindsight is 20/20.  As a person who witnessed abuse and was subject to the abuse myself, videotaping the incidents would have been better than confronting the abuser hoping that the guilt would lead to changed behavior.  Confronting the abuser increased tension and pushed the abuser away preventing any real evidence collection while under the same roof.

Here’s the epiphany, someone who abuses another person either blames the victim or pardons their own guilt as justified.

An abuser cannot change.  They cannot change by extrinsic motivation or intrinsic motivation.  They will repeat the same mistakes, rituals and behavior in other relationships.  Some lessons are learned the hard way.  Do not learn the hard way like me.  If there is no abuse in your relationship go through mediation.  If there is no abuse in your relationship and you hire an attorney, by the end of it you will have a list of abusive interactions to add to the broken relationship as well.  Avoid going to court by filing for divorce first before your spouse (if divorce is truly your only option and your spouse is unpredictable).  Filing for divorce is one serious advantage of being the petitioner (see Divorce Strategy, Petitioner or Respondent).

If you are the respondent, convince the divorce filing spouse to seek mediation.  If you wait too long, the court attorney toxic gas will have already infiltrated all orifices of your spouse and there’s no way of reversing the contamination.

I have two children and I’m facing this Wild West court system alone.  If you read or get ideas from my original content please donate any amount on PayPal and send money to info@fyidivorce.com.

Thanks for supporting an unbiased divorce opinion blog at FYIDivorce.com

 

Divorce is Devastating – Attorneys with a conscience are difficult to find

When you are thrown into a divorce situation you expect people that are acquainted with the process to uphold a certain standard.  You expect judges to judge rightly. You expect lawyers to know the law, understand financial obligations and have empathy concerning custody.  Newsflash!  There is no standard.  I have read about certain judges in family law that have intervened in court when the attorney or attorneys steamroll their clients; those judges are a rare and dying breed.  The public has no idea what awaits them if divorce comes knocking on their door which is why things are the way they are.  You don’t know what you don’t know.  It’s impossible to discuss family law without talking about the people that make family law possible – the country’s representatives.  There have been only two US presidents with divorces in their past, both celebrities, Ronald Reagan and Donald Trump (no attempt to tackle family law so far).  The divorce list is quite expansive for the run of the mill politician in the senate, congress or city government.  It is surprising that family law is operating like the Wild West when so many of our supposed leaders have experienced this corrupt system, because they too are divorced.  Did they reveal the problem to the last US president, Barack Obama, who identifies with lawyers since he was one?  Lawyers are excellent politicians.  He could have done something to impact positive “change” for family law “change” was his campaign message after all, but he didn’t come near family law with a ten foot pole.  Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against lawyers only something against a system that allows lawyers to take advantage of others.

Going through a divorce destroys the fabric of family.  Divorce is devastating to society because it causes so much turmoil in the nuclear family, extended family and other relationships.

Divorce is necessary in some cases; however, filing for divorce lately has become as easy as selecting and purchasing something online.

America is so busy with vices a sort of forgetfulness sets in when it concerns the government until presidential elections of course, that’s when everyone is fired up about their “ideal” candidate and all the sudden they are a political expert. Americans also regain consciousness about the government when terrorists decide to kill American lives…  I wonder what Abraham Lincoln would say if he looked at the United States government as it is now.  It’s too bad more politicians do not think about America’s early predecessors while they are in office.

Family law is a fairly new practice.  It developed around the time Franklin D. Roosevelt was president (it is uncertain if FDR influenced current practices in anyway).  The New Deal wasn’t the only thing that happened during his presidency, Mr. FDR also had an affair.  When ideals are lowered in any government it ricochets across the country and impacts the people within it.  These various fractures happen because government is a source of leadership for a country.  It provides governing structure.  It provides infrastructure.  It provides protection against threats. It provides its constituents a certain way of life.

Government is no different than any place in society, it is a place where mistakes are made.

The concern is when those mistakes are covered up, stamped out, ignored, avoided and life continues without a reset button or a corrective action.  Status quo is no longer an option, the health of society is at stake.

There are some people that understand the health risk of divorce on society.  These people try to change things for the common good in government; however, their efforts often get squashed by the opposition, because it destroys everyone else’s system or change is limited by state (it appears Senator Jeremy Ring from Florida understands part of the problem, but can’t get a bill to address it).  That’s why no one in family law with a conscience speaks up.  By speaking up they destroy their career, their connections and their life.  Some in family law that have a conscience will either leave family law and go with another career after they’ve witnessed too much pain or they will eventually become complacent and accept how things are by limiting their contribution to the problem or try to balance things out.  Others, the formidable others, will capitalize on people’s pain without remorse.  I hope if you must be in a divorced situation with attorneys, you come across a lawyer with a conscience, because that truly is your only hope if attorneys are involved (see also: Going Pro Se in an Attorney’s World).

I have two children and I’m facing this Wild West court system alone.  If you read or get ideas from my original content please donate any amount on PayPal and send money to info@fyidivorce.com.

Thanks for supporting an unbiased divorce opinion blog at FYIDivorce.com