Divorce Strategies – FYI Divorce

How Do I Find My Divorce Attorney? Follow These 5 Steps

Courts have been closed since this coronavirus pandemic started, but now the economy is open for business again and so is the court. Finding the right divorce attorney is a VERY challenging task. It is better to start sooner rather than later. Family law operates on its own island and the only ones that know the ins and outs of it are the family law attorneys, clerks and judges. Do not hire an attorney, because a friend tells you to hire a divorce lawyer. You must assess your case and then seek advice from there. Some cases are much more complicated, and some cases are simple. If you have zero income and you feel you need an attorney or lawyer, you may qualify for a volunteer attorney or lawyer (check with your court facilitator on the options and/or fee waivers). If you have zero income and some assets, it is very likely you WILL NOT meet the qualifications for a free divorce attorney. Volunteer attorney organizations will be dependent on what’s available in your county where your local courthouse is located.

As the respondent in any divorce there is no choice, but to go the traditional dissolution court route if the petitioner chooses litigation; however, if you are the petitioner and you once loved your soon to be ex (STBX) please consider mediation or an online divorce option (some restrictions apply). Follow these 5 steps to hire a divorce attorney:

Consult with the largest divorce law firms in your city. These firms have high net worth cases, have been around the block and can help you assess the type of divorce case you have. You will have to pay for a consultation; but it is worth its weight in gold to have them assess your position.
Look at divorce attorney reviews online you can filter by location but take them with a grain of salt. There are some popular review sites like www.avvo.com and https://www.yelp.com/nearme/divorce-attorneys; however, pay special attention to the dates of the reviews. Often these reviews will not be current and old reviews do not reflect the attorney’s current performance. If you find an attorney you like; however, they are working on their own be sure to ask for references. If they turn you down, move on.
Direct referral, you can also ask your social circles if they know anyone. A referral is not necessarily a guaranteed course of action, so you must follow the steps above. If the person is referring from experience, divorce is an emotional jungle and truly the person giving the referral may not be a great source considering their state of mind while they had an attorney. The divorce process is mind altering – this is not an exaggeration. Depending on the timing, a divorce now is much different than a divorce that happened a decade ago. Be very aware of the timeline and keep in mind the referral may be there to prepare you for the right attorney which you could find elsewhere.
Discover which law firms are near the courthouse. All attorneys go by the hour and most charge for travel time, file time and wait time. The closer the attorney is to court, the less transit money you’ll be wasting, and the more money will be spent on court preparation and the hearings. Some attorneys may not charge for travel or they will charge a travel rate; however, that is rare. The more proficient attorneys are nearby the action, always go to court and know intimately how it is run. Attorneys further away usually have smaller case loads (this means you will have their attention; however, they may have slow court response times as far as submitting paperwork or filing new orders).
Finally, do not hire an attorney at all. Avoid court and choose a mediation company. A mediation company is great if you already agree on what should happen in your divorce. They will sit down with both of you and help you figure everything out with as little arguing as possible. Whatever you do, if you disagree be sure to mention it after the meeting so whenever you are in front of them you are united and get things done. Find a mediation company that will file all your paperwork so you do not need an attorney and you avoid litigation.

Finding an attorney does not need to be a daunting task. Do your homework and be sure you find someone that you can talk to and who does not talk over you. Remember, an attorney is not a counselor nor are they qualified to tell you whether or not you should divorce; if you need a listening ear it is best to call a friend for that or a Life Coach. Consult with established law firms, look at reviews online, setup meetings from direct referrals, interview attorneys near the courthouse or scratch everything prior and choose a mediation company.

I’m Unhappy About [INSERT PROBLEM], I Want A Divorce

Full disclosure, this is not an expert article or legal advice; it is an opinion article founded on great convictions of the heart and the reality of what divorce actually is. Yes, what you think divorce is and what it will do for you is not the truth. It feels like the perfect escape route to your dreams that seem to be held captive by marriage. Divorce is not an escape. It is purgatory and I’m not Catholic. It is wicked. It is vile. It is the worst option imaginable. How can divorce be so horrible in a country that prides itself on an impeccable justice system? There is no one watching. Family Law operates on an island floating between politics and corruption. There are a few decent human beings sprinkled here and there in the industry; however, the whole system is terribly and utterly broken.

If you find yourself contemplating divorce. Think again! The only justifiable reason for divorce is abuse; however, many courts do not care what reason you use (this is a no-fault philosophy). You must consult an attorney to understand whether or not your court is following a fault or no-fault stance (fault is rare these days even if there is evidence). In fact, if you are in an abusive situation it could get worse whether you are filing or responding. At this point you must be scratching your head. That’s exactly what you should be doing. Please think long and hard about your [INSERT PROBLEM] before you consider divorce. Divorce use to be taboo; it use to be a matter that was kept as private as possible; it use to be avoided.

NEWSFLASH, the system was designed to punish those who enter it.

Once one person in the relationship decides to file divorce papers with the court or with an attorney, both people are stuck with litigation. You found this content, so this article is for you. If you file for divorce from your spouse you will be called the petitioner. The almighty one who cannot stand being united to a person that creates [INSERT PROBLEM]. Some people take this opportunity to make the problem spouse look completely unbearable and attorneys for the petitioner take this opportunity to embellish every crooked detail with their own prose. The theory, if the story is more grand, the better off everyone is (at least that is the initial agreement by everyone involved for the first 6 months of your divorce).

Unless you are experiencing the four quadrants of abuse (physical, emotional, neglectful and psychological abuse) divorce may not be worth it for you. Note: financial abuse falls under both emotional and psychological abuse and sexual abuse falls into every quadrant (in my opinion). Note: please call the authorities if you feel you are in physical danger at any point in your relationship. Do not hesitate.

It is very possible you have several things in each quadrant or only one thing in one quadrant. Please list everything that your spouse is doing in each quadrant. Get it all down on paper. Then go see a therapist! It will probably take you at least 3 months to find a good therapist that is a good fit for you. Imagine how long it takes to find a good attorney! There is no time to waste get started. You may have to have several before you find the right one.

After you have been in therapy and you still decide divorce is your only option, please evaluate if litigation is what you really want. Some people have no choice, but without evaluating your situation you could be stuck litigating when you could have done something entirely less stressful and less expensive.

Here is your checklist if you have too many things in each quadrant:

1. Is your marriage less than 5 years?

2. Do you have any assets (property, retirement, etc.)?

3. Do you have any children?

If your marriage is less than 5 years and you do not have any assets or children, you do not have to litigate! You can file for divorce online.

If your marriage is less than 5 years and you have assets and no children, you should consider mediation.

If your answer is “yes” to all, you should consider mediation.

If your answer is “no” to #1 and “yes” for the rest OR “yes” to #2 OR #3, mediation and litigation are the only options (if you know of more options please be so kind and leave me a comment).

Hopefully your problem is not so big that you cannot reconcile it with your spouse and work through it to have a better and stronger relationship in the end. Divorce is not for the unhappy, it is for the those that need to save their lives or protect their sanity. Happiness is fixable. Abuse unfortunately does not have a sustainable remedy. Additionally, even after divorce the person who endured abuse can still be at risk. Do not go back to your abuser or your abuser’s family at anytime.

Does divorce really have to be this way?

Divorce has to change. The courtroom drama needs to stop. Placing useless stress on families is having an unseen ripple effect in the community that is impossible to measure. Divorce has not always been the way it is in the 21st Century. The history of divorce goes all the way back to Biblical days; however, back then the only details surrounding a certificate of divorce was essentially a one-time send-off drawn up in one legal document. There was no drawn out process or a specific time of separation. There were no court dates. There were no meetings with attorneys. The certificate of divorce did EVERYTHING (Matthew 5:31). It legally severed the marriage, it divided assets and outlined how both people are to move forward. There is nothing in the Bible that shares how the children functioned in Bible times during a divorce. Going beyond Biblical days, marriage and divorce in ancient Rome sounded like it favored the male ALWAYS. According to Wikipedia, “Under Roman Law, the head of the family had absolute authority.”

Women in the Roman era could leave at any time, but they essentially left everything behind. She left her wealth and her children. I would say those situations were probably abusive situations. No one in their right mind would leave their livelihood and relatives unless they felt forced to do so. In some cases women could leave with their dowry, but still there is no indication how dowry allotment was enforced. Divorce also was considered a private matter, so only family and close friends knew of the personal matter. Divorce registration was not required until 449 CE.

The process as it is now has become a monstrosity for people in high conflict situations or people with a lot of assets. If there is low conflict and you have assets, better get ready for a high conflict divorce. The system as it is now is designed to twist the emotions of both parties so much that neither party recognizes who they are afterwards. Divorce is not pretty and it surely does not solve all the marital issues that surface after children. Why? You have children! If you have children, the other person does not fade into the background like a normal break-up; they are around for everything the children are involved in. They will be at the school. They will be at the children’s events. They will be contacting you still via email or some sort of co-parenting application. They will insist they are involved with the children and that means they are ALWAYS indirectly involved with YOU.

Additionally, if one person in the relationship was abusive divorce with children does not change their abusive tendencies it just morphs the abuse into a different form. This abuse can surface as control and/or abusive words whenever the person is angry or misunderstands something in communication. An extreme case is using the children in their abusive tactics. Divorce court only gives one option for abusive situations… A restraining order. Also very rarely does a restraining order become permanent unless the person has a criminal record, or the abuse led to a crime. Newsflash, if the abusive person is a “good” citizen on paper, the victim has no chance of justice. Please consult an attorney for any legal advice surrounding a restraining order.

Divorce must change. The community needs to take more responsibility in the union and the separation if it comes to that. The marriage and ceremony is designed to be the first public commitment the couple makes; however these days the people attending a wedding ceremony are never consulted if the happy couple all of the sudden decide to call it quits. When people get married they should be given options up front. Something like opt-in to family court or opt-out of family court; that way if a divorce becomes an inevitable solution the couple has a document to fall back on that they both originally agreed to. I would vote for a community private divorce rather than a public family court divorce, because truthfully no one in public court really cares about the people involved and the court system only makes things worse for everyone involved.

Avoid Divorce Drama & Choose Mediation

Relief swept over me when the final documents for the divorce arrived in the mail. It was over. Finally. No more court dates, witnesses and paperwork submissions. Going to court puts stress on everyone involved. Little did I know, I would be summoned to court almost a year later after it was finalized. If you have an ounce of good in you, go to mediation if you decide to be the petitioner in your divorce. Settle everything in less than a year. Divorce court is grueling and there is no end! If you are in an abusive situation, court is the only choice unfortunately. My heart goes out to you. Here’s the plea, if you are set on divorcing your spouse for any reason and you have some love for them, go to counseling first and if divorce is still the only answer go to mediation. If you are heartless and there is no abuse involved you will choose court; hardhearted or ill-informed always do.

Although I have no personal experience with mediation, an acquaintance of mine was the respondent in his mediation divorce. He cheated on his wife with someone in his office. They had one child under the age of 5. After listening to his experience and how merciful his ex-wife was in the whole ordeal, mediation sounds so much better for the following reasons:

Mediation is less stressful. If you find the right mediation group, they will walk you through the divorce process and counsel you on your decisions for both parties.
Mediation is less costly. A court case has no end in sight if one spouse cannot handle stress. Court becomes costly quickly and the judge does not hold the attorneys accountable even though the parties involved are under such emotional stress from their lives being ripped apart. Every minute counts towards your invoice. EVERY MINUTE.
Mediation is more fair. Both sides are heard equally. In court, there is no guarantee of fairness or equality. The judge must listen to many court cases a day and depending on the judge’s mood your court case could go one way or another.
Mediation is more private. Court is a public affair. Anyone can sit in on the hearings. The documents submitted can be accessed by anyone with a driver license.
Mediation is more family friendly. All court documents are signed in an office and no one must go to court. This is helpful especially if you have young children, because there are no delays. No delays mean, you do not have to take advantage of your child care options thereby burning bridges because you could not set appropriate expectations with your family, friends, babysitter, or nanny. Also mediation is more flexible with the custody schedule. The court will give standard options; however, these options have not been monitored nor tested to find out whether the schedule was good for the children. There is absolutely NO ACCOUNTABILITY. Parents, you know what is best. If one parent is more active in the children’s lives, let that parent decide or come to a happy compromise.

Mediation is less stressful, less costly, more fair, more private and more family friendly than court; therefore mediation in theory is so much better than court. Do not take your spouse to court if you do not have to. If you do not have children and you do not have assets, you don’t even need an attorney. Many states will allow you to divorce online. Divorce is so difficult. Do not make it more difficult than it needs to be. Follow your agreements with your co-parent and always do what’s best for the children.

Finalize your divorce through mediation, it is better for everyone.

Considering Divorce? Read this first!

Circling back through the divorce memories, reveals how unbelievable it truly is. Divorce is an unknown entity by practically half the population. Every divorce is unique and every divorce shatters relationships like removing a glass card from the glass house of cards. If people knew better, they would divorce online, or they would use mediation. Litigation requires deep pockets and although it looks official to the untrained eye; it is a theatrical play of attorneys playing puppeteer. In fact, it could be described as the ultimate revenge tool. Not only is it a revenge tool used by angry spouses, but it most likely is a revenge tool used by rich people as well, people who are not even directly involved in the relationship (this trajectory could develop into a story all on its own). Oh, the tangled web just keeps getting more complicated. Only certain people decide to litigate.

People who file for divorce and choose the litigation route can be defined as the following:

1. They have no idea what they are doing or they know the system intimately and choose to use the system for its many pain inflicting levers

2. They want their way no matter what

3. They are impulsive

4. They lack compassion

5. They have secrets they want to protect

6. They are not communicators

7. They do not care about the best interests of the children

8. They will be manipulated by the system whether they know it or not

9. They will use the system to punish their spouse

10. They will try to use every tactic they can to screw over the other spouse, to the extent of submitting false coerced testimony

Understanding divorce is somewhat corrupting in nature. Innocence and ignorance is a blissful state that has long since died by going through the divorce process (which actually starts the moment the petitioner starts talking with attorneys) – consumers beware. It is disheartening that the American government does not value its citizens enough to modify and/or do away with the litigation system that is in place.

If you have a heart, do not litigate.

If you have a soul, go to counseling consistently for at least 6 months (don’t settle on a counselor that only one of you likes, find one that is a good fit for both of you).

If you must divorce, do your research and put your broken family first as much as possible.

Financial Discovery in Divorce – 5 Questions to Ask

It’s been so long since discovering evidence that the petitioner had at least one hidden account; almost a year ago now. After being forced to sell my home with an affordable mortgage (more affordable than rent), I lost my footing. Everything had a place, and everything was in its place before the move. After the move, not so much. Because I had to figure things out in 15 days, while caring for two young children and trying to achieve some form of normalcy during the holidays I inadvertently selected movers from a sponsored search ad on Google. The movers were good at first; however, as the day wore on it became very evident I chose the wrong company. The end result was chaos and important things went missing.

One important thing that went missing was financial documentation; several bank statements from 4 years ago show transfers between unidentified accounts, accounts the petitioner never identified in his financial disclosure to the court and myself. (It was no easy task obtaining those statements! Navy Federal shows partiality to the person who served in the military, so I went to several different branches). I asked and I asked and I asked for the account numbers to no avail from the bank and petitioner. Petitioner gave me every excuse in the book of excuses and the bank played dumb. Once again, having to deal with this lying person that I loved once and other people enabling him in his lying. Exasperating to say the least! In multiple declarations the mystery account was spoken of; however, going Pro Se or Pro Per means no one cares for the truth if you are unrepresented. No financial discovery was made at the time.

Before the divorce, our family income was stable and high compared to Census Bureau numbers. After reflecting on the possible balance of that account today after finding good information on how to perform financial discovery, this is the first time admitting defeat sounds good. Letting it go must be the best decision. Over 2 years of petitioner siphoning money there is no possible way the balance of that mystery account is more than $50,000. Asking these questions helped the decision process:

1. Will opposing counsel or petitioner cooperate without litigation?

2. Do I want further litigation in my case?

3. Is this mystery account worth all the stress that comes from contacting opposing counsel?

4. Will recovering the money give me any satisfaction?

5. Do I need the money to survive?

The answer to all the above questions in my situation is a resounding “NO!”

Decision made.

White flag raised.

It is finished.

No financial discovery needed.

The Depression Cloud of Divorce – Coping During the Holidays

When you have been the one to create holiday traditions in your family and then all the sudden you are forced to be without your children, holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas are not met with the same enthusiasm as previous years. It is just a fact of life, especially if you are newly divorced. Difficulty dealing with the situation does not end, but becomes increasingly challenging when the other parent decides to violate the custody arrangement or even worse decides to take the kids during the holidays for an extended period despite communicating that you have plans. Forget jungle emotions, be ready for an entirely new emotional shift.

This shift is called the depression cloud of divorce and it settles in as you near the end of your divorce case. There has been so much hurt and pain leading up to finalization, by the time you reach the end you are completely numb from head to toe (which occurs from a high conflict divorce like mine). Suffering is hard. Suffering without cause is even harder. The person that you once treasured has squandered your love and treated you like garbage for a lengthy period. It happened many times before the divorce; however, when you are a forgiving person you bounce back, and the marriage commitment keeps you grounded. If that’s you, you have a high tolerance for pain like me. When you have a hard heart, you file for divorce which was said in scripture way before my time. God’s word is the only book that acts as a remedy to the human condition.

* There is no way to cope during the holidays, that’s the hard truth.

* You must face the pain and endure.

* You must recognize the cloud of divorce, so it doesn’t consume you.

* You must persevere.

The only way that you can keep things straight is relying on the truth of God’s word.

People are going to disappoint. All people are flawed. You cannot rely on people. People are just a vapor. Accomplishments by people die with them. Inventions by people get used and possibly warped by others after you’re gone. Every hurt inflicted by people on others reflects their heart condition and it is imperative that you do not give them control over you by accepting the blame, because they need a scapegoat.

* Take one day at a time.

* Breathe in and out.

* Be ready for the next wave.

The depression cloud of divorce during the holidays is unavoidable and different for every person. There is nothing that you can tell someone that will suddenly lift the depression cloud. Some will not recognize they are in the cloud until it is too late. Others will see it for what it is and still others may keep the cloud around for a very long time, because that is what they are comfortable with. Change is difficult in either direction. Feigned optimism during depression is also an option – DON’T DO THIS – YOU’LL MISS THE POINT OF YOUR PAIN. Coping during the holidays is something that people will say to gloss over the grave situation that is faced by split, separated or divorced people during a time that should be filled with happy memories. Do not cope. Face the pain and endure. Recognize the cloud of divorce, so it doesn’t consume you. Persevere. Take one day at a time. Breathe. Life is a vapor and the divorce cloud is not forever, be ready for the next wave. The holidays are almost over.

I have two children and I’m facing this Wild West court system alone. If you read or get ideas from my original content please donate any amount on PayPal and send money to info@fyidivorce.com.

Thanks for supporting an unbiased divorce opinion blog at FYIDivorce.com

Rethinking Petitioner versus Respondent in Divorce

The Divorce is not always a drawn-out costly process like the documentary Divorce Corp explains. However, in some cases when you have a Jekyll Hyde estranged spouse a long divorce is inevitable especially if the petitioner selects litigation over mediation, this is my situation. Whoever files for divorce has more control over the process. In a previous post, Petitioner or Respondent?, respondent is the ultimate choice from my perspective because there’s a personal hedge of protection mentally and you relinquish control to the controlling spouse minimizing potential abuse (the respondent is more optimistic and thinks counseling could solve the issues); however, if the marriage involves a Jekyll Hyde spouse, the divorce is going to take a very long time and the court system becomes the abuse tool (the court does not come close to the actual abuse, but it is abuse nonetheless). Jekyll Hyde people cannot decide because of their dual mental state. Divorce requires a decision maker, which is why I’m rethinking petitioner versus respondent. Consider the following points when deciding to be the petitioner or respondent:

Identify the pitfalls of your marriage that have led you down the divorce thought path. Are they situations that you can recover from? Have you had consistent counseling? Do you still have good memories from the past? Did a major life event change your love for your spouse?
Identify your pressure level (use a scale 1 – 10). Do you work great under pressure? How do you know you work great under pressure, have you been tested at work or in your family? Can you rise above the reactions of your spouse if they respond with venom from the action of divorce or the process?
Identify your spouse. How is your spouse going to handle the pressure? Do they understand their emotions or ignore them? If they ignore them, filing before they do by mediation could be your answer. Is the divorce feeling mutual? Do you have children together that will be impacted by the divorce? How will your spouse handle co-parenting? Has your love for your spouse changed because of an outside factor that’s been impacting your spouse making your spouse behave differently?

Assets and children make divorce extremely difficult, sprinkle the relationship with major adversity such as abuse and it is 10x more difficult. Abuse can include anything from verbal, emotional, financial, physical, sexual and neglectful actions toward each other or one spouse during the marriage and during the divorce. If one of the pitfalls of your marriage is: we are just not communicating. It is probably not a pitfall, but a challenge area that can be worked on and eliminated. If one of the pitfalls is infidelity: this is a difficult pitfall to recover from, because the one that cheated for whatever reason destroyed trust and must be invested in rebuilding trust for the relationship to survive. Rebuilding trust takes work. If your spouse is remorseful and ended the affair immediately after you discovered it, you may want to wait to divorce to figure out if forgiveness could improve your relationship. Do not be hasty with a divorce decision.

Another factor to consider is your pressure level. Do you buckle when the going gets tough or do you gain strength from facing challenge? Divorce will test everything about your personality and it will also measure how you cope with the emotional roller-coaster that accompanies divorce especially if you go the litigation route which I highly dissuade you of pursuing.

People who petition for divorce are usually the former rather than the latter. Deciding to divorce eliminates ALL responsibility immediately. The initial pressure of the relationship is lifted. Divorce appears to be the easy-way out instead of facing the problems that started the conflict in the first place. If you are a decision maker and the other person is challenged in the decision department, you should probably consider being the petitioner; however, only if you are high functioning under pressure. Try to limit attorney involvement as much as possible.

Attorneys add to the pressure, they do not relieve it. Financial strain increases when you have an attorney and an attorney is skilled at rhetoric, so if they need the business they will keep the tab open and file frivolous motions which adds more stress to an already stressful situation, another drawback of litigation. A divorce will test your pressure level. If you have little tolerance when it comes to pressure respondent; try to salvage your marriage as much as possible, and do not divorce! Divorce is ugly and grueling. If there’s no abuse, I am a huge proponent of salvaging your marriage and working out the kinks. It is possible. I have seen it happen. Be sure to identify the pitfalls of your marriage by asking if it is salvageable, identify your pressure level and carefully assess how the other person will function in the divorce environment before you file and become the petitioner.

I have two children and I’m facing this Wild West court system alone. If you read or get ideas from my original content please donate any amount on PayPal and send money to info@fyidivorce.com.

Thanks for supporting an unbiased divorce opinion blog at FYIDivorce.com

The Ex Parte – 3 Lessons Learned from Divorce Court

In the beginning of the divorce, there were many incidents that triggered a fight or flight response in me which made me think it was an emergency. For example, there was a temporary restraining order in place for a real emergency and a few days after (I don’t even know what to call him – Nameless) came knocking on my door and threatened to come in. One day after church, Nameless broke into the residence by locksmith and took valuable items. I called the police and filed an Ex Parte, because I felt violated. Even though Nameless defied the restraining order, nothing happened for his violation. It was an out of body experience. All this was unfolding before my eyes and I just watched in disbelief. Nameless attempted to break in several times after the theft by using a locksmith again, the court did nothing about it. Nameless still had his license with the home address clearly displayed, so the locksmith had no idea that Nameless had no right to enter the home (one time I was home and opened the door on them – I was shielded by the storm door). Both Nameless and the locksmith scampered away in embarrassment. Nameless is really good at covering up his emotions when others are present. I was really glad the locksmith was there to act as a witness.

In my naivety, I did not file a contempt hearing because I thought the violation was self-explanatory, there was a police report and if orders are broken I thought it was in direct rebellion against the court. DUMB. I did not have an attorney, so it did not matter. In hindsight, if I had filed contempt it probably would not have mattered anyway, because I did not have an attorney.

1^st Family Law Lesson: Divorce court does not operate according to what is right and wrong. They assume everyone is lying and the court processes are leveraged to lengthen decisions as much as possible.

I did not hire an attorney, because I do not make enough money to hire an attorney. Did I want an attorney? Yes. Did I interview attorneys to find one that I could afford? Yes. Did I find a great attorney? Yes. Did I hire her? No, because her retainer started at $10k upfront. Did I eventually hire an attorney? Yes. Could I afford the cheap attorney that I hired? No.

2^nd Family Law Lesson: Good attorneys like to win, if they cannot win they will not accept your case if they are ethical attorneys. What is an attorney’s definition of winning? Best asset division, best custody arrangement and deep pockets.

When I hired an attorney, there were zero Ex Parte hearings, mostly because my attorney advised against it, not because there was not a valid reason. Luckily the attorney I did hire was somewhat ethical and he understood from reading the paperwork my position in the case. Did I have to eventually self-represent anyway? Resounding YES!

3^rd Family Law Lesson: Once you have an attorney, you must use your attorney – NO EXCEPTIONS. This rule makes it difficult for the average person to keep an attorney for very long, because the attorney must attend every hearing ($$$). Plus, if you think the judge needs to hear or be alerted to something important, the attorney must file the paperwork for you (if the attorney doesn’t want to file the paperwork or has another pressing case the attorney will advise against it).

Nameless recently had his attorney file an Ex Parte. It was not a valid Ex Parte reason; however, Nameless somehow got the ‘Granted’ checkbox checked. I did not take my own advice from 6 Things A Divorce Attorney Won’t Tell You. The Ex Parte is full of lessons for the one going pro se. Remember, Lesson #1 Right & wrong do not matter in divorce court; Lesson #2 Good attorneys like to win; and, Lesson #3 Once you hire an attorney you must use your attorney. Family law is the Wild West, do not expect anything from a broken system without checks & balances in place.

I have two children and I’m facing this Wild West court system alone. If you read or get ideas from my original content please donate any amount on PayPal and send money to info@fyidivorce.com.

Thanks for supporting an unbiased divorce opinion blog at FYIDivorce.com

Getting Divorced? Avoid Court or Wear a Gas Mask.

Family Law is truly the black eye of America. It is a system created by lawyers to leverage domestic disputes for their advantage. There is no one to hold the judge accountable for the judgments. If both sides have lawyers or attorneys, they will consume all marital assets. Their tactics, rhetoric and treatment requires a gas mask. If you go pro se while the other person is abusive in nature, that person will use up almost all marital assets. No matter what is done, if the relationship ends because one person is abusive and that person has enough funds to hire an attorney – that person will get their way no matter what. When one person will not compromise and it is the same person that has filed and/or paid the most money while the other person is responsible by not spending beyond their means, one mistake going pro se will ALWAYS benefit the other person if there is no criminal record or criminal activity.

It is uncertain if things would be different if attorney representation was equal on both sides for my case.

Having an attorney secured financial support in my situation; however, that same attorney allowed the judge to impute income and administer below guideline child support. Going pro se, the financial support may have been even less. Shocked?! It does not faze me anymore.

The only benefit of my current situation is that the abuser is in no way going to be awarded the marital home.

Through all this utter turmoil experienced, there is a silver lining. There is no way that I will be forced to live under the same roof as the abuser. Usually the abuser does not file for divorce, in my case the abuser did. The abuser likes to maintain control and control is impossible without the victim under their watch usually; however, in my case, the abuser was a white-collar male who feared going to jail, because I would not turn a blind eye to his actions behind closed doors. One time the abuser said to me, if you do not send out the Christmas cards, I will divorce you. The following year he filed for divorce, but it was not over Christmas cards.

Hindsight is 20/20. As a person who witnessed abuse and was subject to the abuse myself, videotaping the incidents would have been better than confronting the abuser hoping that the guilt would lead to changed behavior. Confronting the abuser increased tension and pushed the abuser away preventing any real evidence collection while under the same roof.

Here’s the epiphany, someone who abuses another person either blames the victim or pardons their own guilt as justified.

An abuser cannot change. They cannot change by extrinsic motivation or intrinsic motivation. They will repeat the same mistakes, rituals and behavior in other relationships. Some lessons are learned the hard way. Do not learn the hard way like me. If there is no abuse in your relationship go through mediation. If there is no abuse in your relationship and you hire an attorney, by the end of it you will have a list of abusive interactions to add to the broken relationship as well. Avoid going to court by filing for divorce first before your spouse (if divorce is truly your only option and your spouse is unpredictable). Filing for divorce is one serious advantage of being the petitioner (see Divorce Strategy, Petitioner or Respondent).

If you are the respondent, convince the divorce filing spouse to seek mediation. If you wait too long, the court attorney toxic gas will have already infiltrated all orifices of your spouse and there’s no way of reversing the contamination.

I have two children and I’m facing this Wild West court system alone. If you read or get ideas from my original content please donate any amount on PayPal and send money to info@fyidivorce.com.

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