Marriage & Divorce: Whatever you do, do not marry a male masturbator

Did you know that according to Psychology Today,  “In the 19th century, Jean-Etienne Esquirol, an eminent psychiatrist and physician-in-chief at the Salpêtrière Hospital in Paris, declared in his classification of mental disorders (1838) that masturbation is ‘recognized in all countries as a cause of insanity.”  In the same article, the mental classification was only changed in 1968!  The article then explains there are “benefits” to masturbation.  Does anyone else see propaganda here?  There are few real benefits to masturbation especially while in a relationship.  This newfound idea in 1968 is false and most likely a movement towards preventing pregnancy or STDs in young people.

Whatever you do DO NOT marry a male masturbator (a.k.a the frog always on the toilet), because marriage is a union that is created for sexual intimacy, societal constructs, family and commitment.  If any of those four are not in a person’s plan, marriage simply is not for them and they may not even know it.

First and foremost, let’s dive into what a masturbator is.  It is not simply a person who masturbates.  It is so much more (10 years of experience with one). A masturbator masturbates frequently.  Masturbating is not an occasional occurrence that only happens when he cannot get satisfaction from his wife.  A masturbator typically learned to masturbate in his teens or earlier and it is part of his existence and something he engages in at least twice per week whether he is sexually active or not.  That means he regularly engaged in the practice before he met his sexual partner.  A female needs to be very careful of this type of male (females masturbate too; however, commenting on female masturbators is speculation without backing at least in this write-up); because, he appears like the perfect catch and preys upon religious or women of propriety (he assumes these women want less sex and typically are more submissive than the average).

A male masturbator will also be very respectful with sexual boundaries, because they will masturbate before an encounter with a woman or after an encounter with a woman (without fail).  Masturbators do not have self-control, they have “sex alternatives.”  Masturbators like using sex to manipulate their partner.  They use sex to punish their partner and they use sex to shame their partner.  A masturbator IS NOT someone who masturbates occasionally (let’s say roughly 12 times per year give or take 5), but I repeat someone who masturbates regularly is a “masturbator.”  Now that we are on the same page with what a “masturbator” is, let’s dive into why you do not marry a masturbator.

Now let’s get into the heart of the matter, you do not marry a masturbator because marriage was created for sexual intimacy.  Since the beginning of time marriage was created for a man and a woman to have monogamous sex.

A male masturbator will be happy with sex once a week and may even say sex is not important in a marriage.

Throughout history the definition of marriage has swayed from here to there because of cultural shifts; however, do not be fooled.  The original marriage construct is the most fulfilling no matter what people say and things only change to make people feel better about their habits or to prevent judgments.  It is amazing how deviancy is accepted the more widely people are convinced deviancy is normal. If you desire sexual intimacy in marriage you will not have sexual intimacy if you marry a masturbator.  A masturbator is a self-trained pleasure seeker.  The years and years of programming in place cannot be undone merely from a love encounter.  Additionally, a masturbator will be addicted to pornography on some level.

In a masturbator relationship, the other person is ALWAYS replaceable by masturbation and pornography.

This is also why it is impossible for a masturbator to be vulnerable and let himself need you.  It is a way for him to have COMPLETE CONTROL.  Someone that cannot be vulnerable will not fulfill the marriage vows in the sex department.  If he is upset, he will withhold sex.  If he wants to drive you crazy he will withhold sex.  If he wants to tout his dominance in the marriage, he will withhold sex.  While all along he will not withhold sex from himself. You heard the WARNING here first, because no one else seems to talk about it.

Do not marry a masturbator, because marriage was created for societal constructs not for “show.”   What does this mean exactly?  A societal construct helps people thrive in community, because everyone lends a helping hand especially when there are children.  A masturbator’s number one concern is HIMSELF.  Masturbators like to look good and most likely all are narcissists. Someone who is selfish above all things like the masturbator is incapable of fulfilling the responsibility that a societal construct requires.  They like to look like they are doing work, but they do not actually enjoy doing the work.  If they are working, their internal dialogue is constant grumbling (text messaging, behavioral analysis & response, emails…  are all a good way to measure internal dialogue projections).  They will grumble and they will feel like they are being made to do whatever they are doing.  It could be as simple as washing the dishes for the family or something more time consuming like participating in community events.  A negative internal dialogue is detrimental to marriage and will most definitely occur when societal construct responsibilities surface during the relationship with a masturbator.

Do not marry a masturbator, because marriage was created for family.  Family can include children or not.  Family means the family unit comes first before people outside the family unit.  This is a fundamental quality in someone that is good marriage material, they put immediate family before all others to secure the bond, build trust and keep things stable.  A male masturbator does not put family first.  The foundation of this person’s makeup is himself and then next his is extended family; so self-preservation is priority number one!  If the masturbator is making waves at home, he will disappear, he will vent to others and he will make sure that others are on his side by embellishing stories or making things up from scratch.  It all ties in with masturbation (sex by yourself), because sex is the bond between husband and wife and without it that bond is non-existent especially if there is no physical impairment preventing sex other than masturbation.  Masturbation helps minimize any conscience he has, because he is king of the hill and no one else really matters (the physical bond is replaceable). This type of behavior is not productive or loving in a marriage.  This type of behavior is a perfect storm for divorce or an unhappy sexless marriage.

Do not marry a masturbator, because marriage was created for commitment.  Once a masturbator has secured his catch or mate, there is less challenge and mystery.  Throw in children and voilà; this immediately gives the masturbator reason to replace the missing spice with his wife with other relationships.  It could be co-workers or friends but getting away from his wife appears to be the answer to all his problems and he can physically do so for some time, because he masturbates and basically does not need her.  A masturbator will always resort to masturbating if he has struggles in any area of his life.  Masturbating is a coping mechanism.  His commitment on his wedding day is long forgotten.  In sickness and in health, becomes trivial and intimacy with his wife is labeled “just sex” in his brain.  Commitment in the long-term has no meaning to a masturbator, because the only bond he is comfortable having is the bond with himself (me, myself & I).

Do not settle for a masturbator’s excuses like convenience, arousal, endurance or better sleep.  No wife can compete with a pro male masturbator, why?  A wife has less practice and cannot comprehensibly know how to arouse her husband the same way he knows how to arouse himself.  In a masturbator’s world, sex has always been an isolated event and the programming in place is practically impossible to re-circuit without the masturbator being fully on board.  Whatever you do, do not marry a masturbator.  Ladies, staying away from these men in marriage will save you from a lot of heartache and discontent.  Ask the right questions during the courtship and/or friendship, because long-lasting marriage includes, sexual intimacy, societal constructs, family and commitment. Make sure your future husband has the qualities for the duration, not just for the first mile.

Divorce Life: KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT FROM FRIENDS

When you get divorced after you’ve been married for a long time the fabric of your life looks and feels completely different. It’s like putting a cream cashmere sweater in the washing machine with red socks, a bra and sneakers. If you were to wear that cashmere sweater with the same friends after that dreadful treatment of cashmere, they would give you the stink eye and think you’re from a different planet. In fact, anyone that knows anything about washing clothes might just think you’re completely inept for looking the way you do which means you can’t find your way in life especially in your thirties, forties, fifties, etc. Even if half your friends are forgiving about the cashmere, you yourself feel extremely self-conscience because at one time you were wearing an admirable sweater and now what you’re wearing makes you stand out for the wrong reasons (discolored, snagged and wrinkled) and perhaps it is only perceived, but it feels so real. This small little analogy sums up the divorce life with friends. Friendships change at the microscopic level when divorce occurs! Let’s look at the process at each step.

Step one: The big divorce reveal – When the divorce is looming, there are a handful of friends that want the “scoop.” When the divorce is looming, “scoop” people hastily gather around, giving you the attention and conversation, you craved when things were going well with your ex-spouse. The thoughts that enter the brain include, “wow, I never knew how much this person cared” or “I always knew they would have my back” or “I bet we will be lifelong friends” or “This divorce is not so bad when I have friends like this.” DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME & ENERGY WITH THESE PEOPLE. These people are only in it for the “information.” Once you need someone to talk to (1 year in), they are nowhere to be found. These people think of you as competition. Now that you’re out of the game, they have won and need to find competition elsewhere. Others who are single, will show their grave disappointment in the falling apart of your marriage and will disown you, because you did not live up to their “expectations.” It is sad and depressing that this happens, but don’t you want to know versus being blindsided like me?!

Step two: The divorce saga – Most separating couples that have lawyers on one or both sides are not amicable. That means one or both people will be engaging in unbelievable behavior. On the non-abusive side, this person is barely able to cope with all the mudslinging, threats, gaslighting, stealing and so on that the other commits during the actual divorce process. The non-abusive person needs a lot of support, so the heavy lifting “first responder” friends will most definitely come through at this time. They will bring food, go to court with you, be a listening ear and even invite you to their family gatherings. Bless the sweet hearts of these friends. After you lick your wounds from the friendship exodus that happens after a year in step one, a wave of gratefulness is restored by the pure kindness of the “first responders” in step two of the process. The abusive spouse loses all their friends at this point, except maybe one.

Step three: The divorce lull – After a few years, time makes the divorce abuse seem less terrible, but one person is still dragging the other person to court (divorce finalized or not). The “first responders” are no longer needed for dire situations, so they gradually go back to their life before they were needed so frequently. They don’t call and ask you to go to tea or seek you out for friendship/companionship. They were solely there to “get you through.” Now that survival has been achieved, new friendship acquisition begins. This is one of the most challenging steps. Making good friends later in life after a divorce is hard. It is hard for several reasons. You are still getting to know yourself in a, single state, so pinpointing who will jive with this new you is like throwing a dart at a moving target. To be completely candid, people in their thirties and beyond are busy with their own lives, so it is even more challenging to find moments that solidify your friendship. Overall, you must be satisfied with less friends or no friends for a period. Yes, I said NO good friends. Good friends are people you talk to everyday and truly, less people are interested in frequent regular interaction especially if they have families of their own (it is a hard pill to swallow). The abusive spouse will latch on to co-workers for support at this time and possibly change jobs.

Step four – The divorce homestretch (occurs if you have children). Once your children are school aged, there is a slight friend revival. You are hurled into new social engagements, so you are forced to engage. Some people will stick and some won’t. This stage is ongoing until the children graduate high school. At this stage, friends that remained dormant will come out of hiding and there will be renewed interest in doing things together and possibly, exploring life with singles as friends as well. Friends at this stage are “fluid friends” it is uncertain if they will be lifers or those just passing through.

The desire for friendship after divorce is a longing that I did not expect. The deep connection I expected from my ex-spouse almost transfers to others in the form of friendship. It is still missing on some level for me. I cannot seem to grasp it. Friends now, seem temporary or platonic. Do not be blind sided by life after divorce. Remember to avoid the “scoop” friends, treasure the “first responder” friends, stay strong during “no good friends,” and be grateful for those “fluid friends” that have the potential to last a lifetime. I am grateful I have more genuine people in my life now, but I still miss those friends I thought I had.  You will too.

Less Divorce Strategy and More Raw Emotions

It’s been almost 4 years and it still hurts. Don’t get me wrong. I am so much better off now that I am not in an abusive relationship, but I miss my dream of being with my soulmate no matter how delusional it turned out to be. I dreamed of having someone know me on all levels sharing a life walk as well as a spiritual walk, now I feel silly and childish even entertaining the thought. The emotions are still raw. The emotions will continue to be raw, because we share children. The ex’s abusive words are now flung at me from a distance. There are surface trimmers of what the children must endure while they are with him, but I am not forced to see it firsthand anymore. I am no longer in a state of being conditioned to accept his abusive ways towards me and the children. For that I am grateful. They are in God’s hands. I am a God-fearing woman, so I know this is a season. It is a season to learn from, grow from and gain strength from. I could not have survived everything up until this point by relying on myself. The burden was and is still too great to bear alone.

Some people isolate themselves when they are going through a divorce (do not do that!), I cling to the promises of Jesus (and if you do not know Him, seek Him and you will find rest); He supplies my every need. When divorce graced my path, I had no preconceived notions all that I grasped was that maybe I could live a normal life again without the abusive man my ex had become. Normalcy is ahead; however still out of reach. Divorce so far has been my darkest hour and unfortunately this dark hour is also shared by the children on both sides of the parental equation.

When divorce occurs, the messiness spills all over, it is so incredibly difficult to shelter the children from the turmoil. They do not understand. They have adult emotions in little bodies, and they do not understand the anger they feel. I imagine many children in divorce feel like my own; although maybe at a lesser extent considering my divorce felt so terribly abusive and wrong it could be a great piece of fiction based off a true story. Yes, it was that bad. People tell me it will get worse, but so far I feel like the worst abuse is over and I certainly hope I am right. I read the book, Between Two Worlds, the Inner Lives of Children of Divorce and truly every child responds to divorce differently. I pray that I respond the right way for my children for things I cannot even anticipate in the future that have to do with my ex, their dad.

I don’t think Divorce will be in my past until the children are grown. Divorce is not an escape like most people think. If escaping is a potential motive of divorce, when there’s children it is nearly impossible to escape the other person. Even people who have children out of wedlock find it impossible to escape the other parent. If only I had hindsight before I got married. If only… Now I just hurt. I hurt that I cannot share experiences with my children in a family unit, I long for a supportive spouse that will cheer me up when things get hard or pray for me when I need it. I long to be held like I hold my children. Physical reassurance from someone stronger, someone that is better equipped at handling the blows that life inevitably brings. Fun too, I want the fun a spouse brings to the table, comic relief when things are hard (all husbandry concepts foreign to my ex unfortunately). Thankfully I have the Lord. He is my refuge and my help. He is always there. His words are always true. His faithfulness sustains me. His love is perfect. His words restore my soul. Oh Lord, my God do you have it in your plan for me to be married to a person that is genuinely in love with you or is my fate sealed as an unmarried woman who’s life’s purpose will be solely devoted to you… a heart undivided and hopefully a heart completely healed and restored one day. Still hurting, but hopeful.

Image by Pexels from Pixabay

Divorce emotions. Upside down world.

The person that believed in people now understands people.  The person that saw love in everyone now sees evil lurking.  The person that thought the best of strangers is now guessing.  The person that saw joy in life now sees suffering. The person that thought freedom of speech reigned now sees freedom ending.  The person that believed in country now wonders what soldiers still fight for. The person that looked up to authority now sees petty politics.  The person that honored the fallen realizes now their lives were lost in vain. The person that believed in good now is victimized by corruption.

The person that wasted hours now can’t find enough time to help others.  The person that was captivated by themselves now realizes giving up yourself is the only way.  The person that ignored devastating stories now prays for suffering citizens.  The person that filled their own stomach now feeds the hungry.  The person that cried out in pain now understands what embracing pain does.  The person that loved now sees love does not conquer all.  The person that trusted now sees the eternal father is the only one worthy of trust.

The person saw things right-side up now sees things upside down.

I’m Unhappy About [INSERT PROBLEM], I Want A Divorce

Full disclosure, this is not an expert article or legal advice; it is an opinion article founded on great convictions of the heart and the reality of what divorce actually is.  Yes, what you think divorce is and what it will do for you is not the truth.  It feels like the perfect escape route to your dreams that seem to be held captive by marriage.  Divorce is not an escape.  It is purgatory and I’m not Catholic.  It is wicked.  It is vile.  It is the worst option imaginable.  How can divorce be so horrible in a country that prides itself on an impeccable justice system?  There is no one watching.  Family Law operates on an island floating between politics and corruption.  There are a few decent human beings sprinkled here and there in the industry; however, the whole system is terribly and utterly broken.

If you find yourself contemplating divorce.  Think again!  The only justifiable reason for divorce is abuse; however, many courts do not care what reason you use (this is a no-fault philosophy).  You must consult an attorney to understand whether or not your court is following a fault or no-fault stance (fault is rare these days even if there is evidence). In fact, if you are in an abusive situation it could get worse whether you are filing or responding.  At this point you must be scratching your head.  That’s exactly what you should be doing.  Please think long and hard about your [INSERT PROBLEM] before you consider divorce.  Divorce use to be taboo; it use to be a matter that was kept as private as possible; it use to be avoided.

NEWSFLASH, the system was designed to punish those who enter it.

Once one person in the relationship decides to file divorce papers with the court or with an attorney, both people are stuck with litigation.  You found this content, so this article is for you. If you file for divorce from your spouse you will be called the petitioner.  The almighty one who cannot stand being united to a person that creates [INSERT PROBLEM]. Some people take this opportunity to make the problem spouse look completely unbearable and attorneys for the petitioner take this opportunity to embellish every crooked detail with their own prose.  The theory, if the story is more grand, the better off everyone is (at least that is the initial agreement by everyone involved for the first 6 months of your divorce).

Unless you are experiencing the four quadrants of abuse (physical, emotional, neglectful and psychological abuse) divorce may not be worth it for you.  Note: financial abuse falls under both emotional and psychological abuse and sexual abuse falls into every quadrant (in my opinion)Note: please call the authorities if you feel you are in physical danger at any point in your relationship.  Do not hesitate. 

It is very possible you have several things in each quadrant or only one thing in one quadrant.  Please list everything that your spouse is doing in each quadrant.  Get it all down on paper.  Then go see a therapist!  It will probably take you at least 3 months to find a good therapist that is a good fit for you.  Imagine how long it takes to find a good attorney!  There is no time to waste get started.  You may have to have several before you find the right one.

After you have been in therapy and you still decide divorce is your only option, please evaluate if litigation is what you really want.  Some people have no choice, but without evaluating your situation you could be stuck litigating when you could have done something entirely less stressful and less expensive.

Here is your checklist if you have too many things in each quadrant:

1. Is your marriage less than 5 years?

2. Do you have any assets (property, retirement, etc.)?

3. Do you have any children?

If your marriage is less than 5 years and you do not have any assets or children, you do not have to litigate!  You can file for divorce online.

If your marriage is less than 5 years and you have assets and no children, you should consider mediation.

If your answer is “yes” to all, you should consider mediation.

If your answer is “no” to #1 and “yes” for the rest OR “yes” to #2 OR #3, mediation and litigation are the only options (if you know of more options please be so kind and leave me a comment).

Hopefully your problem is not so big that you cannot reconcile it with your spouse and work through it to have a better and stronger relationship in the end.  Divorce is not for the unhappy, it is for the those that need to save their lives or protect their sanity.  Happiness is fixable.  Abuse unfortunately does not have a sustainable remedy.  Additionally, even after divorce the person who endured abuse can still be at risk.  Do not go back to your abuser or your abuser’s family at anytime.

Does divorce really have to be this way?

Divorce has to change.  The courtroom drama needs to stop.  Placing useless stress on families is having an unseen ripple effect in the community that is impossible to measure.  Divorce has not always been the way it is in the 21st Century.  The history of divorce goes all the way back to Biblical days; however, back then the only details surrounding a certificate of divorce was essentially a one-time send-off drawn up in one legal document.  There was no drawn out process or a specific time of separation.  There were no court dates.  There were no meetings with attorneys.  The certificate of divorce did EVERYTHING (Matthew 5:31).  It legally severed the marriage, it divided assets and outlined how both people are to move forward.  There is nothing in the Bible that shares how the children functioned in Bible times during a divorce.  Going beyond Biblical days, marriage and divorce in ancient Rome sounded like it favored the male ALWAYS.  According to Wikipedia, “Under Roman Law, the head of the family had absolute authority.”

Women in the Roman era could leave at any time, but they essentially left everything behind.  She left her wealth and her children.  I would say those situations were probably abusive situations.  No one in their right mind would leave their livelihood and relatives unless they felt forced to do so.  In some cases women could leave with their dowry, but still there is no indication how dowry allotment was enforced.  Divorce also was considered a private matter, so only family and close friends knew of the personal matter.  Divorce registration was not required until 449 CE.

The process as it is now has become a monstrosity for people in high conflict situations or people with a lot of assets.  If there is low conflict and you have assets, better get ready for a high conflict divorce.  The system as it is now is designed to twist the emotions of both parties so much that neither party recognizes who they are afterwards.  Divorce is not pretty and it surely does not solve all the marital issues that surface after children.  Why?  You have children!  If you have children, the other person does not fade into the background like a normal break-up; they are around for everything the children are involved in.  They will be at the school.  They will be at the children’s events.  They will be contacting you still via email or some sort of co-parenting application.  They will insist they are involved with the children and that means they are ALWAYS indirectly involved with YOU.

Additionally, if one person in the relationship was abusive divorce with children does not change their abusive tendencies it just morphs the abuse into a different form.  This abuse can surface as control and/or abusive words whenever the person is angry or misunderstands something in communication.  An extreme case is using the children in their abusive tactics.  Divorce court only gives one option for abusive situations…  A restraining order.  Also very rarely does a restraining order become permanent unless the person has a criminal record, or the abuse led to a crime.  Newsflash, if the abusive person is a “good” citizen on paper, the victim has no chance of justice. Please consult an attorney for any legal advice surrounding a restraining order.

Divorce must change.  The community needs to take more responsibility in the union and the separation if it comes to that.  The marriage and ceremony is designed to be the first public commitment the couple makes; however these days the people attending a wedding ceremony are never consulted if the happy couple all of the sudden decide to call it quits.  When people get married they should be given options up front.  Something like opt-in to family court or opt-out of family court; that way if a divorce becomes an inevitable solution the couple has a document to fall back on that they both originally agreed to.  I would vote for a community private divorce rather than a public family court divorce, because truthfully no one in public court really cares about the people involved and the court system only makes things worse for everyone involved.

Avoid Divorce Drama & Choose Mediation

Relief swept over me when the final documents for the divorce arrived in the mail.  It was over.  Finally.  No more court dates, witnesses and paperwork submissions.  Going to court puts stress on everyone involved.  Little did I know, I would be summoned to court almost a year later after it was finalized. If you have an ounce of good in you, go to mediation if you decide to be the petitioner in your divorce.  Settle everything in less than a year.  Divorce court is grueling and there is no end!  If you are in an abusive situation, court is the only choice unfortunately.  My heart goes out to you.  Here’s the plea, if you are set on divorcing your spouse for any reason and you have some love for them, go to counseling first and if divorce is still the only answer go to mediation.  If you are heartless and there is no abuse involved you will choose court; hardhearted or ill-informed always do.

Although I have no personal experience with mediation, an acquaintance of mine was the respondent in his mediation divorce.  He cheated on his wife with someone in his office.  They had one child under the age of 5.  After listening to his experience and how merciful his ex-wife was in the whole ordeal, mediation sounds so much better for the following reasons:

  1. Mediation is less stressful.  If you find the right mediation group, they will walk you through the divorce process and counsel you on your decisions for both parties.
  2. Mediation is less costly.  A court case has no end in sight if one spouse cannot handle stress.  Court becomes costly quickly and the judge does not hold the attorneys accountable even though the parties involved are under such emotional stress from their lives being ripped apart. Every minute counts towards your invoice.  EVERY MINUTE.
  3. Mediation is more fair.  Both sides are heard equally.  In court, there is no guarantee of fairness or equality.  The judge must listen to many court cases a day and depending on the judge’s mood your court case could go one way or another.
  4. Mediation is more private.  Court is a public affair.  Anyone can sit in on the hearings.  The documents submitted can be accessed by anyone with a driver license.
  5. Mediation is more family friendly.  All court documents are signed in an office and no one must go to court.  This is helpful especially if you have young children, because there are no delays.  No delays mean, you do not have to take advantage of your child care options thereby burning bridges because you could not set appropriate expectations with your family, friends, babysitter, or nanny.  Also mediation is more flexible with the custody schedule.  The court will give standard options; however, these options have not been monitored nor tested to find out whether the schedule was good for the children.  There is absolutely NO ACCOUNTABILITY.  Parents, you know what is best.  If one parent is more active in the children’s lives, let that parent decide or come to a happy compromise.

Mediation is less stressful, less costly, more fair, more private and more family friendly than court; therefore mediation in theory is so much better than court.  Do not take your spouse to court if you do not have to.  If you do not have children and you do not have assets, you don’t even need an attorney.  Many states will allow you to divorce online.  Divorce is so difficult.  Do not make it more difficult than it needs to be.  Follow your agreements with your co-parent and always do what’s best for the children.

Finalize your divorce through mediation, it is better for everyone.