Tag: dating after divorce

Dating After Divorce – 5 Reasons for Matchmaking

Full disclosure, once the divorce was final on this side of town the first thing on the to-do list was dating apps!  Hurt was overwhelming the senses for so long – YEARS – (hurt caused by the one person vulnerability once seemed easy with, the father of my children, the person labeled ‘soulmate’); so in order to gain some confidence dating seemed like the right choice. Online dating didn’t exist in my prime, so why not try it now?  Diving in was not an option since the kids come first ALWAYS, so tip-toeing was the only stepping on the agenda.  Out of all the apps and websites I could have tried, guess which ones made the cut?  Definitely not Tinder, not Match, not Bumble, not OkCupid…

I’ll let you keep guessing. It’s not important.  What is important is the conclusion online dating is not for everyone and quickly that statement rang true for moi.  Yes, the 6 month prospect was handsome, engaging and fun, but I NEVER felt comfortable introducing him to the kids.  Today folks I came across a marvelous dating idea, it is called Tawkify.

There are several interviews on Tawkify that come from men who were divorced (digging was necessary of course to find these spotlight interviews that gave the 411 male perspective).  Tawkify, please facilitate more of these interviews!!! One eligible bachelor  did not disclose the reason for his divorce and the other eligible bachelor did disclose the reason for his divorce.  Nonetheless, using a matchmaker makes so much sense to me (whether that matchmaker be family, friends or a data relationship business)!  This rediscovery of matchmaking is fresh off the press in my little world, so of course there is nothing in the works at this point for me with a matchmaker, but here is the immediate top 5 reasons why Tawkify or matchmaking seems like the best thing since chocolate met peanut-butter in a Reese’s.

#1 Authenticity

Dating is superficial and temporary.  The stakes are too high.  There’s too much pressure and not enough exits.  Someone is always trying to make the connection work, so the date is not a bust or a complete failure.  Matchmaking seems like a more authentic experience.  It combines data, interpersonal relationships and a third party which is totally subjective.

#2 Commitment

Hiring a matchmaker in theory means someone is more committed to finding a mate and less interested in comparison shopping.  In the digital age, comparison is the greatest hindrance to finding the one.  If you have a roving eye, keep roving – please do not waste the precious time of loyal people looking for a life partner.

#3 Idea Sharing

Divorce means you’ve been off the market for awhile and you feel like a fish out of water in the dating world.  Having a matchmaker or someone committed to finding you “the one” seems so much more friendly than embarking on the hunt all by your lonesome.  This matchmaker can be an excellent source of ideas and feedback (in theory) – remember execution of an idea is only as good as the one running the show, so be sure your matchmaker is the right one.

#4 Connection

Tawkify matchmakers leverage their own contacts to find matches.  This third party social proof is very valuable in finding a connection.  Essentially you already have a witness to this person’s life, plus the matchmaker acts as an automatic liaison which provides additional intelligence on the dating situation that you wouldn’t otherwise be privy to.  In my lowly opinion, these facts should in theory increase the chance of connection.

#5 Chemistry

Chemistry cannot be manufactured.  The instant attraction that makes conversation endless is chemistry.  Chemistry is really difficult to have via a dating app venture.  It’s difficult because there are no pheromones involved and who wants a relationship with a screen conduit?  Only the people who watch porn frequently, that’s who. In theory, with a matchmaker at the helm there should be more of a chance for chemistry since the meeting is in person first rather than on a screen (don’t let COVID-19 scare you).  These days though, chemistry virtually and in person is almost equally important.

There’s something about authenticity, commitment, idea sharing, connection and chemistry that resonates with matchmaking, but fails miserably with dating apps/websites.  If you agree and have the time to try Tawkify, please send a message with a tell-all about your experience.  I need some outsider social proof to validate these theories and test the matchmaking waters!  Remember whenever you attempt relationship building on a romantic level, traditional courtesies still apply.

Dating After Divorce – Traditional Methods Still Apply

Dating after divorce is difficult enough; however, now almost half of dating Americans are finding their soulmates online instead of in person according to eHarmony.  There are many websites and phone applications dedicated to finding you the perfect match, but traditional methods and courtesies still apply.  For some people, online dating is an opportunity full of surprises; however, the reality is the more people you date the less enthusiastic you become about real prospects.  Relationships do not develop overnight like online dating suggests.  If you’re looking for the one, you are not going to find him or her by dating multiple people at once. Additionally, if people date multiple people at the same time there is a split connection because some people have chemistry in some areas more than others; therefore, when the relationship need arises instead of reaching out to your potential true match to develop the bond you reach out to the person that has the strongest connection in that area of need you have for the moment at least that’s been my experience with others who date more than one person at a time (same problem occurs in marriages with affairs).

If its been awhile since you have hit the dating scene, you must know the traditional methods of dating before jumping into online dating.

  1. Keep conversation light and generally informative. Do not share too much information when you first meet online or in person. It is very tempting to divulge everything about yourself from the start; however, by doing this you are setting yourself up for failure because a connection has not been established.  Without a connection, the person receiving the information will make rash judgments which could result in instant rejection.
  2. Date with integrity. Do not use a burner phone number. Giving someone a burner phone number is disingenuous especially if you like the person you gave it to.  It indicates you lack trust and trust is a cornerstone to every relationship. If you are not looking for anything serious mention it abstractly, directly or creatively – mention it somehow.
  3. Set proper expectations. If you are constantly on the go and are not ready for a weekly dating relationship, say that up front or let the other person know your schedule.  Communication is important especially when there are two working individuals.  Even married people have a hard time managing communication and expectations and they live together.  If you cannot properly manage expectations you may not be ready for a serious relationship.
  4. Keep a lid on your divorce woes. Dating is not a therapy session. The person hanging out with you doesn’t need to hear the latest scenario that you confronted with your past partner (new scenarios surface especially if there are children).
  5. Practice the gentle letdown. If you’ve had 3 or more dates and there is no chemistry, gently tell the other person your feelings.  By prolonging the relationship you are setting up the person to get hurt and/or stringing them along, because you refuse to be an adult about the situation.

Online dating does not absolve traditional dating methods or common courtesies that should be utilized while dating.  If you want to get to know someone you must meet them face to face and you cannot ignore the top 5 courtesies.  Keep conversation light, date with integrity, set expectations, avoid past relationship discussions and practice the gentle letdown.  Dating was difficult before marriage and it is still difficult after divorce.  Ease the discomfort by remembering traditional dating methods.