Avoid Relationship Escapes By Embracing the Drought

Friendship with benefits, also known as a relationship escape, is pure foolery; it did not work back in the day and it does not work now. It’s unimpressive child’s play while playing along is only amusing for a time, but destroys any hope of a true monogamous relationship. Post-divorcees be warned, the escape feelings come on when you least expect it; don’t fill the void with a camouflage relationship. Identify patterns in people that will negatively impact your life so that you don’t use a new relationship to escape from the mundane singleness you find yourself in (psst… it is crucial to your CONTENTMENT). Additionally, by identifying these patterns it is easier to detach from the “feelings” involved that make attention seeking necessary from the WRONG people.

It takes time to recover from a broken marriage. Allow yourself time to recover. Relationship escapes never work. Marriage is designed to foster life in people (at least a healthy marriage is). Getting caught up in a new pseudo relationship so soon can seriously diminish the sufferings that are intended to make you grow as a person preparing you for your future mate. It also increases the risk of making a mistake a second time around. No one wants that! Once you come to this conclusion it will make a huge difference in accepting the reality of being single. Additionally, it’s important to analyze every weakness. There is very little time to do this once you are back in the driver’s seat of a relationship, because a relationship requires time and attention. By proactively analyzing your weaknesses you can respond appropriately in spontaneous situations minimizing mistakes and maximizing love (I can’t wait to test this theory). Plus, once in a relationship this self-reflection should be added to the calendar at least once a year without meeting up with an old fling if you get my drift.

There have been at least 3 encounters of relationship escapes since the Big D five years ago. The first stemmed from online dating, the second budded from friendship and the third sprouted from familiarity and physical chemistry. None of them worked, because they filled a single-void rather than fulfilling what the Lord designed for marriage. The Lord’s timing is perfect versus taking control and manufacturing a new life to replace the one that is lost. Embracing the relationship drought is tough, but required for the next chapter to have a happy ending in marriage. Patiently waiting in anticipation.

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. – Proverbs 4:23

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Monogamy Marriage Exceptions

The union between two people has become as complicated as ordering a coffee at Starbucks these days. Money or ego makes people feel entitled to exceptions in relationships and people without money or power feel obligated to abide by these rules especially if the goal is to expand their wealth and keep their marriage. The latest high-profile divorce is the Bill and Melinda Gates divorce. There was a rumor on Twitter their divorce reason was a “money” issue. Newsflash, people with money for long periods of time never divorce from “money” issues. It appears their marriage “contract” had a monogamy exception according to Bill Gates & His One Weekend Per Year by Canela López (the article title has been modified by FYI Divorce for clarity). A marriage means you work out the hard-stuff and do not settle for “agree to disagree,” but come to a compromise that both people are comfortable with that keeps your marriage working to the benefit of the couple and society.

Monogamy exceptions means you always have one foot out the door! A person who needs a monogamy exception should not get married in the first place, because they do not value the sanctity of the marriage vow or what it represents. If you are a monogamy exception person and the person in your relationship wants to get married; you are already at odds with one another. Now some people who marry monogamy exception people do so, not because of love, but to extend their wealth, prestige, or power. In this case, both people are ignoring the sanctity of marriage and the union is in fact a temporary partnership from the start. Bill Gates is one of the wealthiest men in the world; therefore, Melinda Gates agreed to the monogamy exception and their marriage DID NOT last. Time reveals the truth in every situation.

In a working marriage (let’s keep it real, not all marriages work or are happy marriages behind closed doors), communication is number one. That means both spouses share their troubles, dreams, worries, fears, ambitions with their spouse first and sometimes their spouse ONLY ; and most importantly, RESOLVE CONFLICTS (see how to resolve conflict like an expert at The Gottman Institute | A research-based approach to relationships). Whenever you overshare with someone that’s not your spouse (no matter gender or sexual orientation) you become closer to them and more intimate without even getting physical; by default, shutting out your spouse and LOWERING intimacy in your marriage. Decreased intimacy can have different effects on different people. Marriage is the toughest relationship that exists on the planet. The marriage warriors are those that fight to keep the bond that marriage represents. Monogamy exceptions during marriage appear to be accommodating on the surface; however, they are actually automatic limitations baked into the relationship that decrease intimacy in the long-run. Compromises to the traditional marriage arrangement ALWAYS have consequences, some consequences can be anticipated ahead of time, but other consequences cannot.

Navigating life in the digital era is the most complicated experience humans have yet to face.

Marriage is not only a union, it is a test of endurance, a test of humility, a test of compromise, a test of heart and lastly, the greatest test ANYONE will face in life. Some people will divorce instead of passing the test, because divorce is easier than growing with another person. Some people will remain single, because they haven’t connected with “the one” or possibly fearful of being vulnerable with another. Growing with another person is the ultimate test. Staying married without growing results in an unhappy or stale marriage which is no better than divorce in some circumstances. Beware of monogamy exceptions.

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Dating After Divorce – 5 Reasons for Matchmaking

Full disclosure, once the divorce was final on this side of town the first thing on the to-do list was dating apps! Hurt was overwhelming the senses for so long – YEARS – (hurt caused by the one person vulnerability once seemed easy with, the father of my children, the person labeled ‘soulmate’); so in order to gain some confidence dating seemed like the right choice. Online dating didn’t exist in my prime, so why not try it now? Diving in was not an option since the kids come first ALWAYS, so tip-toeing was the only stepping on the agenda. Out of all the apps and websites I could have tried, guess which ones made the cut? Definitely not Tinder, not Match, not Bumble, not OkCupid…

I’ll let you keep guessing. It’s not important. What is important is the conclusion online dating is not for everyone and quickly that statement rang true for moi. Yes, the 6 month prospect was handsome, engaging and fun, but I NEVER felt comfortable introducing him to the kids. Today folks I came across a marvelous dating idea, it is called Tawkify.

There are several interviews on Tawkify that come from men who were divorced (digging was necessary of course to find these spotlight interviews that gave the 411 male perspective). Tawkify, please facilitate more of these interviews!!! One eligible bachelor did not disclose the reason for his divorce and the other eligible bachelor did disclose the reason for his divorce. Nonetheless, using a matchmaker makes so much sense to me (whether that matchmaker be family, friends or a data relationship business)! This rediscovery of matchmaking is fresh off the press in my little world, so of course there is nothing in the works at this point for me with a matchmaker, but here is the immediate top 5 reasons why Tawkify or matchmaking seems like the best thing since chocolate met peanut-butter in a Reese’s.

#1 Authenticity

Dating is superficial and temporary. The stakes are too high. There’s too much pressure and not enough exits. Someone is always trying to make the connection work, so the date is not a bust or a complete failure. Matchmaking seems like a more authentic experience. It combines data, interpersonal relationships and a third party which is totally subjective.

#2 Commitment

Hiring a matchmaker in theory means someone is more committed to finding a mate and less interested in comparison shopping. In the digital age, comparison is the greatest hindrance to finding the one. If you have a roving eye, keep roving – please do not waste the precious time of loyal people looking for a life partner.

#3 Idea Sharing

Divorce means you’ve been off the market for awhile and you feel like a fish out of water in the dating world. Having a matchmaker or someone committed to finding you “the one” seems so much more friendly than embarking on the hunt all by your lonesome. This matchmaker can be an excellent source of ideas and feedback (in theory) – remember execution of an idea is only as good as the one running the show, so be sure your matchmaker is the right one.

#4 Connection

Tawkify matchmakers leverage their own contacts to find matches. This third party social proof is very valuable in finding a connection. Essentially you already have a witness to this person’s life, plus the matchmaker acts as an automatic liaison which provides additional intelligence on the dating situation that you wouldn’t otherwise be privy to. In my lowly opinion, these facts should in theory increase the chance of connection.

#5 Chemistry

Chemistry cannot be manufactured. The instant attraction that makes conversation endless is chemistry. Chemistry is really difficult to have via a dating app venture. It’s difficult because there are no pheromones involved and who wants a relationship with a screen conduit? Only the people who watch porn frequently, that’s who. In theory, with a matchmaker at the helm there should be more of a chance for chemistry since the meeting is in person first rather than on a screen (don’t let COVID-19 scare you). These days though, chemistry virtually and in person is almost equally important.

There’s something about authenticity, commitment, idea sharing, connection and chemistry that resonates with matchmaking, but fails miserably with dating apps/websites. If you agree and have the time to try Tawkify, please send a message with a tell-all about your experience. I need some outsider social proof to validate these theories and test the matchmaking waters! Remember whenever you attempt relationship building on a romantic level, traditional courtesies still apply.

Coronavirus Quarantine: Dreaming of Marriage in Divorce Loneliness, Here’s a Rose

The divorce isolation has never been so acute as it is now in quarantine life, but somehow roses make it better. Longing for a spouse is greater now than it has ever been, because without “the person” all that thought time rests in the inadequate self and menial activities versus a stimulating connection with another human. The fact is, loneliness is the wrong motivation for a spouse entirely. A spouse shouldn’t be there to pacify loneliness or act as a security blanket. A spouse is there to be a partner in life, working with their partner in unison to accomplish life’s goals together in all quadrants (health, spirituality, intellect and community). Satisfying the desire for a romantic touch or gesture does not satisfy all the quadrants essential for an “ideal” marriage relationship to thrive in the hard-cold world and the quadrant grid must be firmly drawn on character lines of course.

Somehow inspired by roses, meeting of the minds and hearts is a fantasy that occupies daydreams of marriage in divorce loneliness.

Divorce loneliness longs to watch a relationship fantasy launch with only a look making sparks fly after decades of familiarity. A mere touch of the hand gives support that could be compared to the engineering stability of the Golden Gate Bridge. Some words of encouragement that sustain like a 4-course meal. A thoughtful act which warms your soul even when the outside temperature is below freezing. After all this, chemistry collides with bodies, and the groundwork is laid for a heavenly intimate experience only possible because God designed it. Does this exist for some marriages? It must or I am a hopeless romantic! This has to be the definition of finding the one and only (the peanut butter to your jelly, the lock to your key, the cookie for your filling, etc.)

What destroys the love fantasy experienced above? When people turn into Jekyll and Hyde or emotions flare-up with no resolution or acknowledgement from the unresponsive spouse (this is divorce loneliness while married – unmet emotional needs and a lack of communication); however, a validating spouse loves the other through these turbulent moments like giving a rose to someone who is crying. They do not make things worse with manipulative reaction abuse to somehow get the perceived upper hand in the situation. In the imaginary romantic world of marriage, those tough hard times should create deeper intimacy and love, because that’s the outcome when disagreements turn into compromises and roses are given instead of ridicule. When marriage becomes a dictatorship or bulldozer with no resolution, the connection starts flickering slowly, oh so dreadfully slowly.

Connection with life is flickering slowly with this quarantine too. It feels like a dying marriage lately. The pervasive Coronavirus has infected everything not just human bodies; marriage, divorce, family life, children, etc. Going to the grocery store is one place where there should be life; however instead, life is flickering. Everyone has a mask on, everyone maintains some distance, and no one is making pleasant conversation or meaningful eye contact. Now everyone gets to experience the courthouse at the grocery store. Even the happy couples are distant. One man suggested to his wife, “do you want some roses?” and her answer was “no, I don’t think we need them.” The words fell like a great weight to the bottom of his heart. Couldn’t she have said, “what a lovely idea dear;” “roses sure would brighten the mood;” “roses smell so good, OK”?

They are simply roses and the lady could not make the leap, to “yes.” The quarantine made her response 10x drearier than any other day though, because it was mechanical and a rose is a symbol of life, love and happiness – something that everyone desires right now with this quarantine. Divorce loneliness is better with roses than without. I wish I could share my roses with him now and reverse the mechanical damage. What a difference a correct response makes in creating love for the one you call LOVE. Dreaming of marriage in divorce loneliness is a reality check, the desire for marriage is still there, but loneliness cannot be the main reason. Look for that special someone that says, I understand you’re lonely, here’s a rose.

Marriage & Divorce: Whatever you do, do not marry a male masturbator

Did you know that according to Psychology Today, “In the 19th century, Jean-Etienne Esquirol, an eminent psychiatrist and physician-in-chief at the Salpêtrière Hospital in Paris, declared in his classification of mental disorders (1838) that masturbation is ‘recognized in all countries as a cause of insanity.” In the same article, the mental classification was only changed in 1968! The article then explains there are “benefits” to masturbation. Does anyone else see propaganda here? There are few real benefits to masturbation especially while in a relationship. This newfound idea in 1968 is false and most likely a movement towards preventing pregnancy or STDs in young people.

Whatever you do DO NOT marry a male masturbator (a.k.a the frog always on the toilet), because marriage is a union that is created for sexual intimacy, societal constructs, family and commitment. If any of those four are not in a person’s plan, marriage simply is not for them and they may not even know it.

First and foremost, let’s dive into what a masturbator is. It is not simply a person who masturbates. It is so much more (10 years of experience with one). A masturbator masturbates frequently. Masturbating is not an occasional occurrence that only happens when he cannot get satisfaction from his wife. A masturbator typically learned to masturbate in his teens or earlier and it is part of his existence and something he engages in at least twice per week whether he is sexually active or not. That means he regularly engaged in the practice before he met his sexual partner. A female needs to be very careful of this type of male (females masturbate too; however, commenting on female masturbators is speculation without backing at least in this write-up); because, he appears like the perfect catch and preys upon religious or women of propriety (he assumes these women want less sex and typically are more submissive than the average).

A male masturbator will also be very respectful with sexual boundaries, because they will masturbate before an encounter with a woman or after an encounter with a woman (without fail). Masturbators do not have self-control, they have “sex alternatives.” Masturbators like using sex to manipulate their partner. They use sex to punish their partner and they use sex to shame their partner. A masturbator IS NOT someone who masturbates occasionally (let’s say roughly 12 times per year give or take 5), but I repeat someone who masturbates regularly is a “masturbator.” Now that we are on the same page with what a “masturbator” is, let’s dive into why you do not marry a masturbator.

Now let’s get into the heart of the matter, you do not marry a masturbator because marriage was created for sexual intimacy. Since the beginning of time marriage was created for a man and a woman to have monogamous sex.

A male masturbator will be happy with sex once a week and may even say sex is not important in a marriage.

Throughout history the definition of marriage has swayed from here to there because of cultural shifts; however, do not be fooled. The original marriage construct is the most fulfilling no matter what people say and things only change to make people feel better about their habits or to prevent judgments. It is amazing how deviancy is accepted the more widely people are convinced deviancy is normal. If you desire sexual intimacy in marriage you will not have sexual intimacy if you marry a masturbator. A masturbator is a self-trained pleasure seeker. The years and years of programming in place cannot be undone merely from a love encounter. Additionally, a masturbator will be addicted to pornography on some level.

In a masturbator relationship, the other person is ALWAYS replaceable by masturbation and pornography.

This is also why it is impossible for a masturbator to be vulnerable and let himself need you. It is a way for him to have COMPLETE CONTROL. Someone that cannot be vulnerable will not fulfill the marriage vows in the sex department. If he is upset, he will withhold sex. If he wants to drive you crazy he will withhold sex. If he wants to tout his dominance in the marriage, he will withhold sex. While all along he will not withhold sex from himself. You heard the WARNING here first, because no one else seems to talk about it.

Do not marry a masturbator, because marriage was created for societal constructs not for “show.” What does this mean exactly? A societal construct helps people thrive in community, because everyone lends a helping hand especially when there are children. A masturbator’s number one concern is HIMSELF. Masturbators like to look good and most likely all are narcissists. Someone who is selfish above all things like the masturbator is incapable of fulfilling the responsibility that a societal construct requires. They like to look like they are doing work, but they do not actually enjoy doing the work. If they are working, their internal dialogue is constant grumbling (text messaging, behavioral analysis & response, emails… are all a good way to measure internal dialogue projections). They will grumble and they will feel like they are being made to do whatever they are doing. It could be as simple as washing the dishes for the family or something more time consuming like participating in community events. A negative internal dialogue is detrimental to marriage and will most definitely occur when societal construct responsibilities surface during the relationship with a masturbator.

Do not marry a masturbator, because marriage was created for family. Family can include children or not. Family means the family unit comes first before people outside the family unit. This is a fundamental quality in someone that is good marriage material, they put immediate family before all others to secure the bond, build trust and keep things stable. A male masturbator does not put family first. The foundation of this person’s makeup is himself and then next his is extended family; so self-preservation is priority number one! If the masturbator is making waves at home, he will disappear, he will vent to others and he will make sure that others are on his side by embellishing stories or making things up from scratch. It all ties in with masturbation (sex by yourself), because sex is the bond between husband and wife and without it that bond is non-existent especially if there is no physical impairment preventing sex other than masturbation. Masturbation helps minimize any conscience he has, because he is king of the hill and no one else really matters (the physical bond is replaceable). This type of behavior is not productive or loving in a marriage. This type of behavior is a perfect storm for divorce or an unhappy sexless marriage.

Do not marry a masturbator, because marriage was created for commitment. Once a masturbator has secured his catch or mate, there is less challenge and mystery. Throw in children and voilà; this immediately gives the masturbator reason to replace the missing spice with his wife with other relationships. It could be co-workers or friends but getting away from his wife appears to be the answer to all his problems and he can physically do so for some time, because he masturbates and basically does not need her. A masturbator will always resort to masturbating if he has struggles in any area of his life. Masturbating is a coping mechanism. His commitment on his wedding day is long forgotten. In sickness and in health, becomes trivial and intimacy with his wife is labeled “just sex” in his brain. Commitment in the long-term has no meaning to a masturbator, because the only bond he is comfortable having is the bond with himself (me, myself & I).

Do not settle for a masturbator’s excuses like convenience, arousal, endurance or better sleep. No wife can compete with a pro male masturbator, why? A wife has less practice and cannot comprehensibly know how to arouse her husband the same way he knows how to arouse himself. In a masturbator’s world, sex has always been an isolated event and the programming in place is practically impossible to re-circuit without the masturbator being fully on board. Whatever you do, do not marry a masturbator. Ladies, staying away from these men in marriage will save you from a lot of heartache and discontent. Ask the right questions during the courtship and/or friendship, because long-lasting marriage includes, sexual intimacy, societal constructs, family and commitment. Make sure your future husband has the qualities for the duration, not just for the first mile.

Avoid Divorce Drama & Choose Mediation

Relief swept over me when the final documents for the divorce arrived in the mail. It was over. Finally. No more court dates, witnesses and paperwork submissions. Going to court puts stress on everyone involved. Little did I know, I would be summoned to court almost a year later after it was finalized. If you have an ounce of good in you, go to mediation if you decide to be the petitioner in your divorce. Settle everything in less than a year. Divorce court is grueling and there is no end! If you are in an abusive situation, court is the only choice unfortunately. My heart goes out to you. Here’s the plea, if you are set on divorcing your spouse for any reason and you have some love for them, go to counseling first and if divorce is still the only answer go to mediation. If you are heartless and there is no abuse involved you will choose court; hardhearted or ill-informed always do.

Although I have no personal experience with mediation, an acquaintance of mine was the respondent in his mediation divorce. He cheated on his wife with someone in his office. They had one child under the age of 5. After listening to his experience and how merciful his ex-wife was in the whole ordeal, mediation sounds so much better for the following reasons:

Mediation is less stressful. If you find the right mediation group, they will walk you through the divorce process and counsel you on your decisions for both parties.
Mediation is less costly. A court case has no end in sight if one spouse cannot handle stress. Court becomes costly quickly and the judge does not hold the attorneys accountable even though the parties involved are under such emotional stress from their lives being ripped apart. Every minute counts towards your invoice. EVERY MINUTE.
Mediation is more fair. Both sides are heard equally. In court, there is no guarantee of fairness or equality. The judge must listen to many court cases a day and depending on the judge’s mood your court case could go one way or another.
Mediation is more private. Court is a public affair. Anyone can sit in on the hearings. The documents submitted can be accessed by anyone with a driver license.
Mediation is more family friendly. All court documents are signed in an office and no one must go to court. This is helpful especially if you have young children, because there are no delays. No delays mean, you do not have to take advantage of your child care options thereby burning bridges because you could not set appropriate expectations with your family, friends, babysitter, or nanny. Also mediation is more flexible with the custody schedule. The court will give standard options; however, these options have not been monitored nor tested to find out whether the schedule was good for the children. There is absolutely NO ACCOUNTABILITY. Parents, you know what is best. If one parent is more active in the children’s lives, let that parent decide or come to a happy compromise.

Mediation is less stressful, less costly, more fair, more private and more family friendly than court; therefore mediation in theory is so much better than court. Do not take your spouse to court if you do not have to. If you do not have children and you do not have assets, you don’t even need an attorney. Many states will allow you to divorce online. Divorce is so difficult. Do not make it more difficult than it needs to be. Follow your agreements with your co-parent and always do what’s best for the children.

Finalize your divorce through mediation, it is better for everyone.

Marrying A Military Man Is A Risk

Something needs to be done about family education in society and the military. Every immediate family member that is exposed to military personnel with traumatic experiences in their history is at risk for abuse. The government is taking no responsibility, the military branch is taking no responsibility and schools are taking no responsibility. This is not only a PTSD issue, this is a human issue. It is a lack of concern for another human being from the start of their military service. It begins when young men/women are recruited, it continues when they are serving their country and it continues still when they come home and try to integrate back into civilian life. Family law profits off this discord that military service cultivates in families. It is a chain reaction and I wish I knew about it before I got married.

Before you start a relationship know the history of the person you are marrying, because as I have experienced, it can come back to haunt you especially if abuse was not acknowledged and/or identified in the nuclear family that served in the military. Even a person who wasn’t in the military, but exposed to military parents can suffer in adulthood. Be fully aware of the indicators by asking a few questions:

1. Did siblings have any developmental issues growing up or unusual behavior?

2. Has the family faced any government authority before?

3. What is the history of the parents and their experiences?

Only recently have people become more acquainted with PTSD. I have heard that admitting any mental flaw or struggle in the military can set the person up for failure instead of success, this was especially true I assume in the 1970s after the Vietnam war which lasted from 1955 to 1975. See History.com for more on the Vietnam War timeline. Soldiers who served in Iraq from 2003 – 2011 will hopefully have a better chance now that counseling is becoming more accepted.

Counseling should be mandatory for every military person that has served during wartime or who has been exposed to someone who has served during wartime. When these courageous men and women come home they need support and their families need emotional support, not for a year for the life of the retired soldier. Every person is impacted by their overseas and wartime experiences whether it is acknowledged or not.

Signs to look out for if your spouse is triggered:

1. Nightmares

2. Sudden change in character

3. Sudden change in friends

4. Withdrawing and/or stonewalling

5. Increase in alcohol consumption or marijuana use

6. Strange behavior with children and/or defensiveness

7. Absent and/or not coming home

8. Mood swings

9. Depression

10. Gas-lighting

Note: I am not a psychologist or therapist. Signs are purely from experience and online research.

The person who divorced me did not want to own up to the trigger list. He preferred to keep everything buried and locked away (similar to his parents who are still married to this day). He divorced me, because I was not afraid to point out the abuse that was festering and for some reason he couldn’t make it stop. He would try on his own, but then fall right back into the same patterns. The abuse to this day remains cyclical. He divorced me to save face and protect himself from jail, so far his strategy has worked.

Confronting a jaded past is difficult for anyone, confronting the past when there is abuse is almost impossible unless the person who was abused is strong enough to face it and heal; however, if you have children you must stand up for what is right and stop the crazy cycle. I made the mistake of confronting him before recording the behavior on tape or video. Do not make my same mistake if there is abuse in your home get it on video. Turning a blind eye is not what is best for your family. Do what you can to educate yourself on abuse and raising a family with the right parenting style, an authoritative approach from both parents. Remember, marrying into a military family is a risk especially if someone served during wartime; please understand the possible consequences.

The Dichotomy of Darkness in Light

When you get married you are making a commitment. Marriage is not this endless love nest or dating on steroids (it can feel that way in the beginning though). It can take years before you really know a person, for me it took my relationship 6 years, before my other half turned to the dark side. In my analysis, this switch was triggered by our first born, but anything can trigger it if the person you are married to has a trigger. In my situation, maybe he didn’t know what love is, maybe he couldn’t wrap his head around the flaws, maybe he just did not want to put the effort into the marriage to make it work, maybe he still wanted to be married to the young girl he could control or maybe he let his guard down and darkness entered his heart replacing the love he had for me with love he had for himself instead. The last four years with him were an unforgettable abuse whirlwind . He gradually became a different person or he gradually revealed his true person starting at the birth of our daughter (trigger event). Either way it triggers a discussion that has been floating around in various social media circles, the belief that darkness and light can simultaneously be in the same place at the same time. Scientifically it is impossible; but metaphorically it is possible.

This is the challenge between the realist and the idealist, the dichotomy of darkness in light existing all at once like the yin and yang from the Chinese belief system of the Tao (even though it does in fact represent duality); however, I think looking deeper the symbol sums it up nicely; there’s not one portion of the symbol that is gray (mixture of light and dark). Each section is separate, there is no blending of black and white. Also, if ever there is imbalance like a mixture of light and dark (my interpretation) or too much dark for example, they call this vacuity in Chinese medicine, there’s an actual word that describes the consequences of becoming confused. This tipping of the balance is also known as a depressed state of being. My other half seemed to be bit by the Existentialism bug. Wikipedia sums it up nicely, “people who face the emptiness and accept responsibility aim to live ‘authentic’ lives.” Ah ha! The answer is clearer now than ever.

There is no such thing as darkness within light or light within darkness; however, if you are the type of person who likes to color outside the lines I think this metaphorical way of thinking helps you rationalize the things you feel guilty about. This is not about shame, blame or judgment. It’s about calling a spade a spade. This faulty way of thinking is damaging relationships everywhere, not only in marriages. This way of thinking throws off the balance of life. A person who aims to live by their authentic sinful self throws morality to the wind and embraces immorality as a characteristic of living. Guilt is not a disposable feeling. Guilt has a purpose. When you throw away a purposeful feeling that is only associated with human beings, is not that regression instead of progression?

I have two children and I’m facing this Wild West court system alone. If you read or get ideas from my original content please donate any amount on PayPal and send money to info@fyidivorce.com.

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Don’t Let Divorce Happen to You

There are many words circling in my brain. Disillusionment, frustration, duped, disbelief, hurt, shocked, sad and empty. Emotional stages of divorce vary for everyone. Since separation, acceptance was the immediate response to the tragedy of my divorce considering the abusive history that ensued once the first child was born. The feeling was mutual when I received the papers. Was the first born a trigger? It felt like the first born ignited something. The change was gradual at first. After having a baby, the woman goes through a major transition physically and emotionally, I was no different. I was not myself, no woman is; however, no amount of stress is any excuse for abuse. He was not himself either. Men do not have the babies; however the change can impact men in unknown ways. It could be the laws of nature, it could be genetics or it could even be the environment that fosters the change; whatever it is, the abusive spouse is not justified in their poor treatment of the other. When you get married, you are supposed to work through difficulties like speed bumps, so I thought.

If your spouse has unacknowledged abuse in their past, brace yourself you will be facing roadblocks as tall as mountains adorned with caution tape and floodlights, that’s what happened and why I find myself getting divorced.

As a little young thing, I did not pay attention to any of the signs during courtship. Young people, are accepting of flaws in others, because they lack the experience to discern otherwise. That was me. I bought his story hook line and sinker. He fell in love with a girl who hung on his every word and did whatever he wanted to do. He became her ideal mate, not because those characteristics were apart of who he was, but because he desired to be that person for her. It sounds like an everyday love story. Both people should make each other better. That sounds good. It sounds RIGHT. It is like some famous quotes, “You complete me” from Jerry McGuire or “It’s always better when we’re together” from singer songwriter, Jack Johnson. This understanding of companionship is downright false and misleading. It is imperative that each person in the relationship is who they say they are. Do not change to be “better.” Do not put on airs. Do not try to be anything for your partner other than yourself.

If you use any other strategy for love your relationship will end and if you make the mistake of getting married it will end in divorce. Do not let divorce happen to you.

After, the makeup second child, he decided to finally end it when the makeup child was incubating in my womb. I was so angry after I found out I was pregnant and that he reverted into the same pattern/person that he was before we made up, so much so, that the second child conception was the last time we were together. It was dreadful. He was bent on acting like everything was okay publicly; however, at home the emotional abuse ran rampant and there was no end to conflict. After the baby was born, he filed for divorce.

That little bundle immediately became my silver lining. I was incredibly thankful that I had this little parting gift, but the pain inside was just as riveting because I knew the baby and my oldest would not experience the nurturing environment I had while growing up.

The relationship spun out of control. It became so wound up after the first child, the reset button remained blinking, begging to be pushed. Words and actions gradually ate away at the marriage stronghold. The person that committed his life to me, all the sudden forgot who he was and what we were about. All that mattered was his way and objections would be met with avoidance and/or rejection/conditional love. My vision was clouded. The constant changing person before me left me off-balance unable to regain my footing. My emotions got the best of me. Divorce was not even in the picture before children; however, children changed the family dynamics and conflict can ruin a marriage.

Do not pretend to be someone else. Do not let conflict ruin your marriage. Do not be anyone, but yourself. Talk about everything. Practice forgiveness daily. Poor into your marriage like it is the very thing that gives you life. Compromise.

I have two children and I’m facing this Wild West court system alone. If you read or get ideas from my original content please donate any amount on PayPal and send money to info@fyidivorce.com.

Thanks for supporting an unbiased divorce opinion blog at FYIDivorce.com

10 Questions to Ask Before Marriage

Divorce is looming for anyone that jumps into marriage without asking the right questions. Know thyself and know thy future spouse.

I’m compelled to write in the first person this time around. Divorce emotions are coming out in full force and what needs to be written needs to be personal. A drawn out contested divorce such as mine is difficult. My responsibility has tripled since separation (my youngest was one month old). It is too bad my younger self was not given a heads-up on marriage complications once children come along. Now that my youngest is almost a toddler and teething; my patience has reached an all time low. The drool, incessant cries and elevated temperatures come at nightfall and make me want to scream, because I never wanted to face parenting alone and I am so dead tired. I never thought I could have such negative feelings as I do for the father of my children, not in a million years. Oh wait, it was even worse when we were under the same roof after my first was born, because of the abuse that ensued once we both went back to work. (Both parents working is another topic for another blog.) I stayed quiet about the abuse in all areas of my life, because I thought every relationship has its peaks and valleys – the thoughts of an optimist. By acknowledging how bad it was then, I already feel better in the present. I only wish I had been more of a realist than an optimist. My naïve nature during it all kind of disgusts me now. If I had been more of a realist and faced the music I probably would not have had a second child from the seed of Jekyll & Hyde. It hurts my heart severely to reflect on that notion. I love my children and I wanted four children before the tides changed.

Oh, there is so much advice I have for my younger self. No one was giving the advice I needed and I knew several newlywed blended families at the time our camouflaged frayed knot was tied. Do people hold onto their past stories in secret, because they want to maintain a happy image to bury the hatchet or do people temporarily forget the divorce turmoil amid new bliss and love? I hope it is the latter and not the former. I also want to be the person that boldly remembers, so that I can help people make good decisions and minimize repeating a history full of mistakes (sometimes mistakes are inevitable and in a strong relationship mistakes make the relationship even stronger instead of destroying it). FYIDivorce.com aligns with that goal. If I could write a letter to my younger self, it would go something like this:

Dear Optimist,

You have no idea what you’re doing when it comes to marrying someone, especially if you have known them for less than a decade or even less, only two years. You should wait and develop your career and goals before jumping into anything. YOU HAVE TIME. You have lasted this long without a committed relationship, what is a few more years? Please try to answer the following questions before you say “I do,” acquire a marriage license and decide to make all your life decisions with someone else steering the ship.

Does the person make you uncomfortable in public situations? If the answer is “yes.” Please move on and kick this one to the curb before there is a proposal.
Does the person isolate you from others in a group? If the answer is “yes,” please move on immediately. This is learned behavior from a dysfunctional family.
Does the person talk about themselves most of the time? If the answer is “yes,” this does not mean they’re a good conversationalist, it means they’re self-centered and prideful. Take a hint, the person won’t change once your relationship is more serious.
Does the person push your physical boundaries? If the answer is “yes,” they’re indirectly disrespecting you and they will do the same thing in different contexts later. Do not rationalize the behavior by saying “By doing this it makes things more fun or this is an indicator there will never be a dull moment.” This is the biggest red flag, do not stay. End it.
Is the person critical of anyone in your family? If the answer is “yes,” stay clear of danger!
Have you asked every question you can think of about their past? If the answer is “no,” make a list and start checking them off. Write down the answers, so you have a record. The history of a person determines how they will react in the future; it’s in their (nature) and in their learned behavior from childhood (nurture). Make no mistake, familial ties run deep. Any questions avoided, run like the wind and do not look back.
Does the person have a busy schedule or are they spending most of their time on you? If they are spending most of their time on you; they don’t have a real job, they are not living on their own nor do they know how to manage a relationship when real life hits them in the face. They are only making you feel special, because they don’t have anything else better to do. Do not be a fool. Take it for what it is and say goodbye.
Do you get along with the person’s family and do they feel like family? If the answer is “no,” and all the previous answers direct you to move on, what are you waiting for?
Has the person done illegal things in front of you? If the answer is “yes,” you should no longer look to the last item on this list! That qualifies as corrupting. There is no way this person should even be dating you much less become your spouse.
Do you often yield to that person’s desire? If you say “yes,” you should know this person is controlling and has no interest in sharing a world, but wants to monopolize your life to feel validated and secure. Once you show you have a voice, they will turn on you. Get out while you still can!

Please do not take this advice lightly. You have a life ahead and every decision you make impacts your life. Granted, even the bad decisions can make you a better person, but please avoid some turmoil by really understanding what it means to marry the wrong person. Being with the wrong person is worse than being single and truthfully being single can sometimes be better than having a relationship.

With enduring love from your older wiser self ,

Realist

I wish I considered the 10 questions above before marriage. Do not avoid these questions. I read so many relationship books it makes my mind spin and I wonder if someone gave me this advice whether it would have fallen on def ears. It is very possible it could have. I drank from the love cup, it happens to the best of us. All the questions above contributed to the demise of my marriage, because they all impact parenting. When there are only two people in a relationship there is less conflict, especially if one person is always agreeable. I was the agreeable one.

I have two children and I’m facing this Wild West court system alone. If you read or get ideas from my original content please donate any amount on PayPal and send money to info@fyidivorce.com.

Thanks for supporting an unbiased divorce opinion blog at FYIDivorce.com