There are many words circling in my brain. Disillusionment, frustration, duped, disbelief, hurt, shocked, sad and empty. Emotional stages of divorce vary for everyone. Since separation, acceptance was the immediate response to the tragedy of my divorce considering the abusive history that ensued once the first child was born. The feeling was mutual when I received the papers. Was the first born a trigger? It felt like the first born ignited something. The change was gradual at first. After having a baby, the woman goes through a major transition physically and emotionally, I was no different. I was not myself, no woman is; however, no amount of stress is any excuse for abuse. He was not himself either. Men do not have the babies; however the change can impact men in unknown ways. It could be the laws of nature, it could be genetics or it could even be the environment that fosters the change; whatever it is, the abusive spouse is not justified in their poor treatment of the other. When you get married, you are supposed to work through difficulties like speed bumps, so I thought.
If your spouse has unacknowledged abuse in their past, brace yourself you will be facing roadblocks as tall as mountains adorned with caution tape and floodlights, that’s what happened and why I find myself getting divorced.
As a little young thing, I did not pay attention to any of the signs during courtship. Young people, are accepting of flaws in others, because they lack the experience to discern otherwise. That was me. I bought his story hook line and sinker. He fell in love with a girl who hung on his every word and did whatever he wanted to do. He became her ideal mate, not because those characteristics were apart of who he was, but because he desired to be that person for her. It sounds like an everyday love story. Both people should make each other better. That sounds good. It sounds RIGHT. It is like some famous quotes, “You complete me” from Jerry McGuire or “It’s always better when we’re together” from singer songwriter, Jack Johnson. This understanding of companionship is downright false and misleading. It is imperative that each person in the relationship is who they say they are. Do not change to be “better.” Do not put on airs. Do not try to be anything for your partner other than yourself.
If you use any other strategy for love your relationship will end and if you make the mistake of getting married it will end in divorce. Do not let divorce happen to you.
After, the makeup second child, he decided to finally end it when the makeup child was incubating in my womb. I was so angry after I found out I was pregnant and that he reverted into the same pattern/person that he was before we made up, so much so, that the second child conception was the last time we were together. It was dreadful. He was bent on acting like everything was okay publicly; however, at home the emotional abuse ran rampant and there was no end to conflict. After the baby was born, he filed for divorce.
That little bundle immediately became my silver lining. I was incredibly thankful that I had this little parting gift, but the pain inside was just as riveting because I knew the baby and my oldest would not experience the nurturing environment I had while growing up.
The relationship spun out of control. It became so wound up after the first child, the reset button remained blinking, begging to be pushed. Words and actions gradually ate away at the marriage stronghold. The person that committed his life to me, all the sudden forgot who he was and what we were about. All that mattered was his way and objections would be met with avoidance and/or rejection/conditional love. My vision was clouded. The constant changing person before me left me off-balance unable to regain my footing. My emotions got the best of me. Divorce was not even in the picture before children; however, children changed the family dynamics and conflict can ruin a marriage.
Do not pretend to be someone else. Do not let conflict ruin your marriage. Do not be anyone, but yourself. Talk about everything. Practice forgiveness daily. Poor into your marriage like it is the very thing that gives you life. Compromise.
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