Coronavirus Quarantine: Dreaming of Marriage in Divorce Loneliness, Here’s a Rose

The divorce isolation has never been so acute as it is now in quarantine life, but somehow roses make it better.  Longing for a spouse is greater now than it has ever been, because without “the person” all that thought time rests in the inadequate self and menial activities versus a stimulating connection with another human. The fact is, loneliness is the wrong motivation for a spouse entirely.  A spouse shouldn’t be there to pacify loneliness or act as a security blanket.  A spouse is there to be a partner in life, working with their partner in unison to accomplish life’s goals together in all quadrants (health, spirituality, intellect and community).  Satisfying the desire for a romantic touch or gesture does not satisfy all the quadrants essential for an “ideal” marriage relationship to thrive in the hard-cold world and the quadrant grid must be firmly drawn on character lines of course.

Somehow inspired by roses, meeting of the minds and hearts is a fantasy that occupies daydreams of marriage in divorce loneliness.

Divorce loneliness longs to watch a relationship fantasy launch with only a look making sparks fly after decades of familiarity.  A mere touch of the hand gives support that could be compared to the engineering stability of the Golden Gate Bridge.  Some words of encouragement that sustain like a 4-course meal.  A thoughtful act which warms your soul even when the outside temperature is below freezing.  After all this, chemistry collides with bodies, and the groundwork is laid for a heavenly intimate experience only possible because God designed it.  Does this exist for some marriages? It must or I am a hopeless romantic!  This has to be the definition of finding the one and only (the peanut butter to your jelly, the lock to your key, the cookie for your filling, etc.)

What destroys the love fantasy experienced above?  When people turn into Jekyll and Hyde or emotions flare-up with no resolution or acknowledgement from the unresponsive spouse (this is divorce loneliness while married – unmet emotional needs and a lack of communication); however, a validating spouse loves the other through these turbulent moments like giving a rose to someone who is crying.  They do not make things worse with manipulative reaction abuse to somehow get the perceived upper hand in the situation.  In the imaginary romantic world of marriage, those tough hard times should create deeper intimacy and love, because that’s the outcome when disagreements turn into compromises and roses are given instead of ridicule. When marriage becomes a dictatorship or bulldozer with no resolution, the connection starts flickering slowly, oh so dreadfully slowly.

Connection with life is flickering slowly with this quarantine too.  It feels like a dying marriage lately. The pervasive Coronavirus has infected everything not just human bodies; marriage, divorce, family life, children, etc. Going to the grocery store is one place where there should be life; however instead, life is flickering.  Everyone has a mask on, everyone maintains some distance, and no one is making pleasant conversation or meaningful eye contact.  Now everyone gets to experience the courthouse at the grocery store. Even the happy couples are distant.  One man suggested to his wife, “do you want some roses?” and her answer was “no, I don’t think we need them.”  The words fell like a great weight to the bottom of his heart.  Couldn’t she have said, “what a lovely idea dear;” “roses sure would brighten the mood;” “roses smell so good, OK”?

They are simply roses and the lady could not make the leap, to “yes.” The quarantine made her response 10x drearier than any other day though, because it was mechanical and a rose is a symbol of life, love and happiness – something that everyone desires right now with this quarantine.  Divorce loneliness is better with roses than without.  I wish I could share my roses with him now and reverse the mechanical damage.  What a difference a correct response makes in creating love for the one you call LOVE. Dreaming of marriage in divorce loneliness is a reality check, the desire for marriage is still there, but loneliness cannot be the main reason.  Look for that special someone that says, I understand you’re lonely, here’s a rose.

Dating After Divorce – Traditional Methods Still Apply

Dating after divorce is difficult enough; however, now almost half of dating Americans are finding their soulmates online instead of in person according to eHarmony.  There are many websites and phone applications dedicated to finding you the perfect match, but traditional methods and courtesies still apply.  For some people, online dating is an opportunity full of surprises; however, the reality is the more people you date the less enthusiastic you become about real prospects.  Relationships do not develop overnight like online dating suggests.  If you’re looking for the one, you are not going to find him or her by dating multiple people at once. Additionally, if people date multiple people at the same time there is a split connection because some people have chemistry in some areas more than others; therefore, when the relationship need arises instead of reaching out to your potential true match to develop the bond you reach out to the person that has the strongest connection in that area of need you have for the moment at least that’s been my experience with others who date more than one person at a time (same problem occurs in marriages with affairs).

If its been awhile since you have hit the dating scene, you must know the traditional methods of dating before jumping into online dating.

  1. Keep conversation light and generally informative. Do not share too much information when you first meet online or in person. It is very tempting to divulge everything about yourself from the start; however, by doing this you are setting yourself up for failure because a connection has not been established.  Without a connection, the person receiving the information will make rash judgments which could result in instant rejection.
  2. Date with integrity. Do not use a burner phone number. Giving someone a burner phone number is disingenuous especially if you like the person you gave it to.  It indicates you lack trust and trust is a cornerstone to every relationship. If you are not looking for anything serious mention it abstractly, directly or creatively – mention it somehow.
  3. Set proper expectations. If you are constantly on the go and are not ready for a weekly dating relationship, say that up front or let the other person know your schedule.  Communication is important especially when there are two working individuals.  Even married people have a hard time managing communication and expectations and they live together.  If you cannot properly manage expectations you may not be ready for a serious relationship.
  4. Keep a lid on your divorce woes. Dating is not a therapy session. The person hanging out with you doesn’t need to hear the latest scenario that you confronted with your past partner (new scenarios surface especially if there are children).
  5. Practice the gentle letdown. If you’ve had 3 or more dates and there is no chemistry, gently tell the other person your feelings.  By prolonging the relationship you are setting up the person to get hurt and/or stringing them along, because you refuse to be an adult about the situation.

Online dating does not absolve traditional dating methods or common courtesies that should be utilized while dating.  If you want to get to know someone you must meet them face to face and you cannot ignore the top 5 courtesies.  Keep conversation light, date with integrity, set expectations, avoid past relationship discussions and practice the gentle letdown.  Dating was difficult before marriage and it is still difficult after divorce.  Ease the discomfort by remembering traditional dating methods.